Monday, June 10, 2013

So...I Guess This Means They Watch Too Much TV?

I can't pinpoint exactly when or how this happened, but my boys have become...fascinated?...entranced?...BRAINWASHED?...by infomercials some time in the past six months. Maybe it has to do with the fact that they're outgrowing the commercial-free safety zone of Nick Jr, and are experiencing their first frontal with the American Free Market system. Whatever it is,THEY LIKE IT. THEY LIKE IT A LOT.

Scene: Boys' bedroom at bed time. Stories have been read, teeth brushed (maybe), and bladders emptied.

Me: Alright, kiddos, I'm turning off the light...get your nightlights on.

[They flick on their DreamLights. GRANDMA.]

T9: [Slamming his head against the pillow, tossing from side to side, with HARUMPHS and dramatic sighs. Sits up, slams pillow over. Repeat ad naseum.]

Me: What are you doing? What's wrong?

T9: UGH. WHY DO I HAF TO FWIP DIS PIWOW OVER AND OVER.

Me: Wha--?

T9: WE NEED TO GET A CHIWOW, MOM. UGH.

Me: ...

 

Scene: In the living room with The Husband, having a serious conversation about how we've fallen behind on The Voice this season and it's really kind of ruined for me now, and if he would just---

Plus One: MOMMOMMOMMOMMOM...

Me: Bud, I'm in the middle of--

Plus One: Oh, sorry. Excuse me? [Two second pause.] Mom? Mom? MOM? MomMomMOMMOM?!

Me: [Defeated sigh.] Okay, buddy, what is it? Slow down...

Plus One: Mom, it's just that...okay, so there's this thing you need, Mom. It's like...it takes your hair and spins it, Mom. And it only takes a few minutes to do your WHOLE HAIR. Oh, oh, oh, and NO KNOTS, Mom. Okay, Mom? Okay? You HAVE TO get it. It's...it's...wait--

[Runs into the other room to look at the TV quickly.]

It's only $14.99, mom! AND YOU GET ONE FREE. Okay? Okay, gotta go.

Me: ...


 

Scene: WalMart, approaching the check out lane with last-minute end-of-the-school-year supplies.

T9: MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM!

PlusOne: MomMomMomMomMomMom!

Me: [Twitch.] Shhhhh...one at a time, guys. What is it?

T9: [Flailing arms and pointing frantically toward an end cap near the register.]

PlusOne: Mom, they have the things...you put in your hair! For all the colors! And, and, and [runs to end cap, runs back]...and [using hands to emphasize the EPIC FIND] Hot Buns, Mom. They have Hot Buns!

T9: Brudder, NO! Dey have ICE CREAM MASHICK.

PlusOne: Oh, yeah! And, and, and, Mom...if we ever run out of food and we're hungry and we have some salt, WE CAN MAKE ICE CREAM. [Gesticulating again for emphasis] FOR ONLY LIKE TEN DOLLARS, MOM.

T9: We HAF to get it, Mom. WE HAF TO.


It's no wonder they market to children.