Before we begin, I'd like to say:
1. I was amazed at the number of Elephant Christmas ornaments there are on etsy.
2. I was equally amazed by the ratio of hideous/cute elephant ornaments.
So, this list...is kind of a long one. With that, I present to you the 2012 WitV Chirstmas Ornament Collection Of Nightmares (Full collection after the "read more..." jump!)
(Click here and here for previous years' ornaments that will ruin your day.)
1. "Elephant Orneement"
I'm not sure why he's so pissed. Hello? It's Christmas! (Maybe he's the Devil?)
2. Stained Glass Elephant
You cannot convince me this isn't that squirrel character from those Ice Age movies. Elephant, my ass.
3. Folk Art Elephant
Is anyone watching American Horror Story this season? Those creatures in the woods? UM, YEAH.
4. Upcycled Elephant
Issue number one is that there are those...folds...which make me...uncomfortable? Issue number two is the long, skinny, ah, tip? Of his trunk. SAD FACE EMOTICON.
5. Mesh Elephant
Okay, I'll just come out and say it: IT LOOKS LIKE A PENIS WEARING A BOW. A BOW MADE OF MESH. WHICH IN TURN REMINDS ME OF THOSE TRANSVAGINAL MESH COMMERCIALS. NEITHER OF WHICH IS IN THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS.
Ahem.
6. "Soft Sculpture" Ornament
ohgodOhGodOHGOD THE EYES.
7. Pine Cone Elephant
OH COME ON ALREADY WITH THE PENIS TRUNKS.
8. Vintage Folk Art Elephant
There's something about the look on his face that suggests he's staring down the man who will lock him up and enslave him into Circus Life. Just me?
9. Another Folk Art Elephant
Since when did "folk art" become a synonym for creepy-ass-shit-that-looks-like-it-was-unearthed-from-Pet-Cemetary-and-will-haunt-your-dreams-and-possibly-kill-you?
10. Elephant Baby Ornament
THIS IS NOT ONE OF GOD'S CREATURES. KILL IT WITH FIRE. No...wait, maybe cuddle it? NO, NO, DEFINITELY BURN IT.
11. Spun Cotton Elephant
This is obviously a mummy and this etsy seller is probably wanted for international crimes against...tiny elephants.
12. Felted Elephant
No, that's actually NOT the ass of the elephant. I made the same mistake.
13. Ganesha Ornament
The seller says this is supposed to be a "remover of obstacles" for your hectic holiday season, but...are elephants SUPPOSED to have furrowed brows?
14. Vintage Elephant
It's like lipstick on a pig! Er...elephant? I doubt Mother Mary would approve.
15. Shabby Elephant
This one very nearly reduced me to tears. You know, in case you're looking for an ornament that will dredge up everything lost and broken about your childhood.
16. Girlie Elephant
I think that's a human appendage sticking out of the front of her face.
Suddenly, my clicking elephant seems so much less...terrifying.
Merry Christmas?
