Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Third Annual Weird Christmas Ornament Guide

As I mentioned earlier in the week, I've been scouring etsy for Clicking Elephant-inspired ornaments. I ended up having one custom-made for my Jett Superior Ornament Exchange person, but that didn't stop me from acquiring a list of elephant Christmas ornaments to share with you.

Before we begin, I'd like to say:

1. I was amazed at the number of Elephant Christmas ornaments there are on etsy.
2. I was equally amazed by the ratio of hideous/cute elephant ornaments.

So, this list...is kind of a long one. With that, I present to you the 2012 WitV Chirstmas Ornament Collection Of Nightmares (Full collection after the "read more..." jump!)

(Click here and here for previous years' ornaments that will ruin your day.)

1. "Elephant Orneement"


I'm not sure why he's so pissed. Hello? It's Christmas! (Maybe he's the Devil?)

2. Stained Glass Elephant



You cannot convince me this isn't that squirrel character from those Ice Age movies. Elephant, my ass.

3. Folk Art Elephant



Is anyone watching American Horror Story this season? Those creatures in the woods? UM, YEAH.




4. Upcycled Elephant


Issue number one is that there are those...folds...which make me...uncomfortable? Issue number two is the long, skinny, ah, tip? Of his trunk. SAD FACE EMOTICON.

5. Mesh Elephant


Okay, I'll just come out and say it: IT LOOKS LIKE A PENIS WEARING A BOW. A BOW MADE OF MESH. WHICH IN TURN REMINDS ME OF THOSE TRANSVAGINAL MESH COMMERCIALS. NEITHER OF WHICH IS IN THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS.

Ahem.

6. "Soft Sculpture" Ornament


ohgodOhGodOHGOD THE EYES.

7. Pine Cone Elephant


OH COME ON ALREADY WITH THE PENIS TRUNKS.

8. Vintage Folk Art Elephant


There's something about the look on his face that suggests he's staring down the man who will lock him up and enslave him into Circus Life. Just me?

9. Another Folk Art Elephant


Since when did "folk art" become a synonym for creepy-ass-shit-that-looks-like-it-was-unearthed-from-Pet-Cemetary-and-will-haunt-your-dreams-and-possibly-kill-you?

10. Elephant Baby Ornament


THIS IS NOT ONE OF GOD'S CREATURES. KILL IT WITH FIRE. No...wait, maybe cuddle it? NO, NO, DEFINITELY BURN IT.

11. Spun Cotton Elephant


This is obviously a mummy and this etsy seller is probably wanted for international crimes against...tiny elephants.

12. Felted Elephant


No, that's actually NOT the ass of the elephant. I made the same mistake.

13. Ganesha Ornament


The seller says this is supposed to be a "remover of obstacles" for your hectic holiday season, but...are elephants SUPPOSED to have furrowed brows?

14. Vintage Elephant


It's like lipstick on a pig! Er...elephant? I doubt Mother Mary would approve.

15. Shabby Elephant


This one very nearly reduced me to tears. You know, in case you're looking for an ornament that will dredge up everything lost and broken about your childhood.

16. Girlie Elephant


I think that's a human appendage sticking out of the front of her face.

Suddenly, my clicking elephant seems so much less...terrifying.

Merry Christmas?