Monday, September 3, 2012

Kindergarten PTA Roulette

Miserable.

If I had to sum up my kid's first week of kindergarten in one word, that'd be it. Miserable. He was exhausted, terrified, physically ill, anxious, uncertain, and not one of these were even remotely assuaged by the fact that he had gotten assigned to Ms. Perfect Teacher.

Sonofabitch.

Of course, it IS the first week and it IS a lot of firsts for him, so I continue to cross my fingers into arthritic positions in the hopes that he will adjust. And sooner than later.

In the meantime, I'm trying to acclimate to this world of full-time schooling myself. And while the long days, the sudden independence of my first born, and haunting fear of this large school where he now spends much of his time are all certainly triggering my internal OMFG alert system, there is another thing that is occupying my thoughts. The mysterious, someone terrifying entity known as the PTA.

Before Meet the Teacher Night, there was a parents' orientation. I thought it was kind of silly initially, but MY GOD you guys, there was so much to cover. Including the chaotic drop-off and pick-up line, what should be in the kids' backpacks and HOW, the lunchroom experience including some sort of confusing Milk Purchasing Debacle, and, of course, the option to sign up for the PTA.

The PTA was set up at a separate table right outside the door of the orientation meeting. It was manned by several parents wearing PTA MOM 2012! shirts and one PTA President who was dressed in a suit. A SUIT, you guys. And he mentioned something about HIS OFFICE!

IT'S A VOLUNTEER POSITION.

I jotted my name down on the list and handed over my $7 dollars. She gave me a form to fill out that had the following options listed:

1. Yearbook
2. Lunchroom
3. Spirit Week
4. Casino Night
5. Room Mom
6. Fundraising

I was overwhelmed. My kid was in KINDERGARTEN. I had to sign up for one of these? My mind began to suss out the possible scenarios.

Yearbook

Are the kindergarteners even included in the freakin' Yearbook? They're practically the lepers of any given elementary school! The ones that are usually crying and sometimes sporting soiled pants. I'd certainly have to pass on this one.

Lunchroom

As terrified as my son was of this great void of LOUD NOISES and ODD SMELLS and UNIDENTIFIABLE GREASY PATCHES, I was probably even more so. Those kids would sniff my fear out in no time and I'd be locked in the walk-in freezer while they waged an epic food fight with a flair of Lord of the Flies. Not an option.

Spirit Week

Listen, Spirit Week was not for me as a middle or high schooler...I can only imagine that, for grade schoolers, it's something along the lines of a sugar-binge-fueled all-night sleepover. NEXT.

Casino Night

Okay, well, sure, this one sounds kind of exciting, but mostly because I'm picturing free liquor, celebrity gamblers, some flashy roulette girls, and a black jack table that's stacked in my favor. Aaaaaand THIS is why I shouldn't be around young children when cards are involved. Moving right along...

Room Mom

This...well, this...I have no idea what this entails, but I'm instantly uneasy. I can hardly manage my TWO children. Why do I want to take on a CLASS FULL? Will I have to let them call me Mommy?! Hell no.

Fundraising

When I was a teacher, before I had my two boys, I was in charge of exactly ONE fundraising event at my high school. Day one ended with my room being bum-rushed by some punky students who stole half my candy inventory. I politely stepped down from the position.

This...this could be an interesting year.

So, what do you guys think? What should I sign up for?