Friday, June 15, 2012

Ticking Elephant Update

While I have yet to be contacted by the likes of Fark, The Obama Campaign, or local alien enthusiasts, I do see that this longhorned beetle ordeal has raise a few questions (in addition to my own IS THIS THE APOCALYPSE? ones). So let me to my best to clarify a bit.

The status of the elephant: The elephant DOES, in fact, remain in our home. It has not been burned, cut open, disemboweled, or otherwise disfigured beyond what the devil bug has done to its ear. For the sake of national security, however, the elephant is wrapped in a few layers of plastic bags, should anything else decide to emerge and threaten the shred of my sanity that remains. The plan is to fumigate the thing, perhaps. We're not throwing it away just yet because it has some sentimental value. Plus, I'm hoping I can sell it to the Vatican for an undisclosed sum.

The status of the bug: Yes, these bugs are destroying forests in parts of America, which is why we killed it and flushed it immediately. Actually, we killed it and flushed it immediately because it looked like it might EAT US ALIVE, and the forest issue was an after-the-fact matter. REGARDLESS, the bug is assuredly dead. In hindsight, we could have saved the thing for study or some crap, but THERE IS NO RATIONAL THINKING WHEN BUGS START EMERGING FROM YOUR PRIZED POSSESSIONS, JUST FYI.

The status of my kid: Unphased. He LAUGHED about it this morning. That was funny, wasn't it mom, he said. He must take after his father.

The status of my mental state: Broken, natch, but full of resolve. I went shopping for a Texas therapist this week, but ended up in a waiting room that was blaring Jesus music and full of Christian pamphlets and decorative crosses. I don't think I'll be returning unless the woman is, in fact, an exorcist.

Oh, and then there was this thing, which showed up on our front porch. It's a gigantic moth, about half the size of my face.



Guess what it's called?


THE BUTTERFLY OF DEATH.

Clearly someone will be making this entire story into horror flick in the coming years. I'd like someone really hot to play my part, please.

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Elsewhere on the Interwebs:

At The Mouthy Housewives, I have some advice for dealing with a showoff. We also have some last minute Father's Day cards for you to print.

At MamaPop, I talked about Madonna and Lady Gaga, and today, I have some words to share regarding Drake and Chris Brown.