Friday, June 1, 2012

Texas Marital Heat

It's officially June, and things are already positively warm here in Northern Texas. So far, I've seen three armadillo corpses along the local roads, counted endless spiky-toed lizards running across the lawn, and the June Bugs have launched a full assault on my front and back porches.

Ahh, summertime in the South!

It also means that our electric bill has started its steady climb to the budgetary danger zone. So, being the energy (okay, money) conscious family we are, my husband and I have been brainstorming ways to keep things cooler in the house without straining our positively antique air conditioning unit. So far, we have (okay, HE has) installed solar screens, installed some sort of ventilation fans, and cleaned out the ductwork.

It's made a noticeable different, but when it's 100 degrees outside, it never quite feels cool inside. So we've kept the brainstorming on the table, open to even more ideas. The other day, as I was cooking dinner over the blazing hot stove, he offered up another one.

Him: [Wiping sweat off brow.] You know, I'm thinking about finally getting that grill set up out back...

Me: [Waving away the steam from the boiling potato water.] Sounds good!

Him: ...and I have this idea to modify it a bit. [Towels off face.]

Me: Yeah? How so? [Guzzles water, considers taking off layer of clothing.]

Him: Well, we've got the smoker on the side, so it shouldn't be too difficult to create a hole between that and the grill, and...

Me: [Trying not to visibly tense-up, as modifications make me nervous with images of Tim Allen dancing in my head.] [This has very little to do with my husband, it should be noted, and very much to do with me.] [And maybe my step-dad.] [Hi, Kev!]

Him: ...we could use that part as an oven.

Me: Okay...?

Him: So that you don't need to cook in here all summer, wife.

Me: [Panic.] Sooo....I'd be cooking out there, instead?

Him: Well, yeah.

Me: In the godforsaken hellish heat?

Him: But it would keep it at least ten degrees cooler in here.

Me: So, I'm just supposed to take HEAT STROKE for the team? I ALREADY HATE COOKING!

Him: Wife.

Me: [Deep breaths, panicky hot flashes. Images of ungodly heat and BEES and THE HEAT.]

Him: It's just a suggestion. A starting point.

Me: Right, I know...I just...let's table it for now.

Him: ...

Me: What do you think about the raw food diet?

Him: ...

Me: It's just a suggestion. A starting point! 

Him: ...

Anyway, this is how people become drug mules, isn't it?

[Googles cheap flights to Colombia.]

____________________

PS! BIG NEWS! ZOMGNERVOUSHIVES!

After much debate a few months ago, I nominated myself (thanks for nothing, guys) for BlogHer Voices of the Year. In fact, I nominated myself about five times. I lost control. But that's not the point. The point is that I'VE BEEN SELECTED AS AN HONOREE! (Along with some of my very bestest friends, Kelcey, Two Busy, Jett, Neil, Seth, and about a million others.) The good news is that I won't be reading, though, which we all know would be a disaster waiting to happen (and an excellent blog post...sorry...your loss, really). The bad news is...well, is there any? Other than the fact that I won't be playing the selected blog post for the entire crowd in NYC this summer? No matter, you can watch it here: American Tale, Scrunchie Edition.


Also! Find me at The Mouthy Housewives, joining Marinka, Wendi, & Kelcey in mouthing off about The Catastrophe Award.

And later this afternoon, I'll be at MamaPop talking about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. YES, AGAIN.