Thursday, June 7, 2012

How to Remove a Wasp's Nest

You've heard my bee story, right? Well today, I share my wasp story. Because I live in Texas now, and this is what I do: fight for my life amongst a land of insects.


The boys and I were outside having a marshmallow-fight-slash-watergun-battle the other morning when I noticed the shadow of something large flying over me. I instinctively ducked (because I'm chickenshit) and looked up, expecting to see some sort of falcon or prehistoric pterodactyl.

No, it was a wasp. A TEXAS SIZED WASP.

Within moments, I made a visual on the nest, which was on the eaves over the garage, grabbed the children and fled indoors, where we remained forever THE END.

Feeling panicky about never leaving the house again, I instantly thought of texting my husband. Then, quickly remembering the last time I asked for help, scratched the idea immediately. The Internet would have to save me, instead.

Thank GOD for WIKIHOW, you guys. Otherwise I wouldn't know that you're supposed to hire a Cowboy Thug to do the dirty work for you. Oh, and you have to first kill off your toy ponies as well.

Confused? WikiHow can help! I pulled the following pictures from their article How to Get Rid of a Wasp's Nest.

Step One: Get a palm reading by a medical doctor. He'll be able to predict whether you'll survive the encounter. Who knows? If your hands are soft enough, maybe he'll share his digits.

Step Two: Make sure it is a wasp that you have seen near your home, and not in fact Ric Ocasek's head on a fly's body. Verify this at the doctor's office presumably to release you from the 5150.

Step Three: Locate the wasp nest and obtain a can of wasp remover spray. Glue the can to your hand and highlight the nest with a police spotlight in the dead of night.

Step Four: Dress as if you are a cowboy-street-thug hybrid that is preparing to dissolve a body in a vat of acid.

Step Five: Don't forget your Ray Bans!

Step Six: Remain focused on the target by drawing a circle around the nest to distinguish it from, say, that mole on your dog's leg. Next, alert the neighborhood of your intentions, preferably while wearing your sociopathic outfit. Wrap your house in a yellow ribbon in memorial of the wasps, people, small children, and miniature horses that will die in the process.

Step Seven: Climb up a step ladder with a rag covering your entire face, and wave the can of wasp remover threateningly at the wasp's nest.

Step Eight: Spray the nest with the long-distance spray from approximately three inches away.

Step Nine: Leave the area alone overnight. Around 2 or 3 in the morning, go back to the nest and have a stern discussion with the wasps about the concept of trespassing. Hand gesturing is recommended, as wasps better understand this form of communication.

Step Ten: Climb back up the ladder in full cowboy-thug-shades gear and stab the nest with a fork. Have a moment of silence, and pray if it is customary in your cowboy-thug gang. Throw the wasp's nest (OR WAS IT A  BEE HIVE ALL ALONG?!) in the trash.

Anyway, wish me luck, guys! This should go off without a hitch!