Monday, April 2, 2012

If I Die Tomorrow, Look For The Texan UFOs

The fact that I've hit publish on this blog post might mean that I've either finally succumbed to a full mental break, or that ticking elephant from my kids' room has finally released its supernatural larvae, which are now situated on my hypothalmus.

But before you 5150 me, you have to hear this story.

(It's about UFOs in Texas. Ahem.)

The boys and I were on base at the commissary. I'd just packed them and the groceries into the truck and climbed into the driver's seat myself, cursing the 90 degree weather in GODDAMNED APRIL. As I sat there, ignoring the children's bickering and waiting for the air conditioning to cool off, something caught my eye.



Through the windshield I could see something shimmering in the sky, well above the commissary building. I couldn't tell at first if it was a flock of birds, planes, or balloons. The cluster was moving very slowly, so surely it wasn't airplanes. Plus, there were nearly fifty, and since they were at such a great height, I couldn't see the point of synchronized airplaning without an audience. Balloons, then, it must be. Until...I noticed that the group of objects was alternately bright white, and then a dark, almost imperceptible grey. It was like a school of those annoying fish from Finding Nemo. Those were no goddamned balloons.

Birds then! Must be birds! I was now trying to convince myself as I sat there in the Joint Reserve Base parking lot. Surely UFOs would know better than to bust a move atop a military installation! And even if they were stupid aliens, surely some fighter jets would appear! (WHERE ARE THE GODDAMN FIGHTER JETS?! I may have said out loud. I pretended my kids were insane when they questioned my outburst. As mothers do.)

But...if they were birds, they were awfully...shimmery birds. And they weren't really flying anywhere as birds are wont to do. They looked more like they were hovering...making a mini-slow-mo-high-altitude tornado patterns in the sky.

I mean, Texas has some weird birds (I'm looking at you, GREEN PARROT AND CRACKEN), but this was some serious otherworldly shit.

At this point, the children had taken to using umbrellas and road maps to beat each other senseless, and I decided I needed to get a better view of this freak-fest in the sky. So, I backed the truck out of the parking spot and headed toward the western side of the parking lot. Trying to keep an eye on the twirling spooky shit in the sky while simultaneously not running over any veterans and their wives, I made my way over to an empty part of the lot.

And just like that?

THEY FUCKING DIS. A. PPEARED.

I'm not even kidding you guys. I watched those hovering, circulating shiny things dance in the air for no less than five minutes, and then they were out of sight. I drove down the road a bit and pulled over, but still, there was nothing.

I immediately grabbed some aluminum foil out of a grocery bag and fashioned some quick helmets for me and the children. Then I swallowed a bottle of Klonopin and tried to regroup.

Surely there's a logical explanation here.

1. Reflection? (BUT OF WHAT?!)

2. Eyeball floaters? (BUT WHY SO SUDDENLY BEAUTIFUL?)

3. Rapture? (WE ALL FLOAT UP HERE, OMFG.)

4. Winged unicorns? (HAS THE APOCOLYPSE ALREADY COME?)

5. Lucy in the sky with diamonds? (DEAR GOD. TOO MUCH KLONOPIN.)

Eventually, I gave up my desire to make sense of this shit and drove toward the exit gate. Oh, relax, Kristine! I'm sure Twitter is erupting with an explanation as you self-destruct! ::checks Twitter:: ::finds nothing:: Or, at the very least, the Internet will certainly have an answer!

::stares at you::

::taps foot impatiently::

(Please, you guys? I'M OUT OF KLONOPIN.)