Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Everything's Bigger in Texas. Even Panic Attacks.

Welp. My alien invasion concerns have been assuaged, friends. (No thanks to you, however, with all your UFOs ARE REAL stories. THANKS FOR THAT.) No, in this case, my panic has been replaced with something much more immediate and (unfortunately) quite tangible. In a span of less than twelve hours, I witnessed the following. Some in my own home, and some within the DFW area, as the bugs have CLEARLY coordinated some sort of master attack upon the metroplex.

Around 10am, this guy greeted me as I tried to leave my house. FOOLISHLY, I set him free. (Little fucker.)


A few hours later, I was checking instagram when Becky posted THIS picture. THOSE ARE SPIKES PEOPLE. PROBABLY POISONOUS ONES.


Next came THIS picture, which was taken in the lovely Shauna Glenn's driveway. (SHE LIVES REAL CLOSE AND SO I EXPECT SHE KILLED IT FOR THE SAKE OF MY CHILDREN. And hers, of course.)



As the day waned, I decompressed with some terrible television, and found solace with my asshole cat. (Did I mention we had a fox stop by for a visit? We reconciled after I pissed the carpet myself.) Eventually, I was able to convince myself that NONE OF THIS EVER HAPPENED. I slowly made my way upstairs to the bedroom, with the cat trailing not far behind. When I flipped on the light, however, I let out a groan. A cat had puked directly in the middle of my bedroom, right on the goddamn carpet. Ah well. Better than piss, eh? (::high fives cat::)

But wait. Is that...not cat puke?

OH DEAR GOD.

DEAR GOD JESUS LORD IT'S A MOTHERLOVING LIZARD.

 
I fumbled for my iPhone to take a picture, which was all YOU CAN'T TAKE PICTURES BITCH, YOU HAVE NO MEMORY. So there I was crouching on the floor, trying to keep my cat from eating the fucking lizard before I could erase a shitton of pictures from my phone and snap a shot of it and WHY DOES MY HUSBAND ALWAYS LEAVE TOWN WHEN THE FREAKY SHIT STARTS HAPPENING?

By the time my camera was ready, the lizard had run halfway across the room and found a CD case in which to hide.

My cat? Not fucking interested. That little shit.

I never found the lizard, and let's just say, I'm pretty fucking tired this morning. But I'm also invigorated to fight this Texas invasion, friends. From land and from above.

In the meantime, however, I'll be in my bunker. You know, preparing.