Thursday, March 22, 2012

Asshole Cat

We have two cats. One is named Fluffy Cat and the other is Mr. Pink. Fluffy Cat is timid and generally only likes me because she has refined taste in humans. Mr. Pink, on the other hand, is very sociable and easygoing. He's generally referred to as the "better" cat in our house, something that I do not approve of or condone in any way, shape or form.

Cat...on the edge.

But the feline caste system has been shaken as of late. And by "shaken" I mean TURNED UPSIDE DOWN, you see. Mr. Pink? He's now the asshole cat who pisses on the carpet. AND BY EXTENSION, the asshole cat that needs therapy and has taken over the ebb and flow of the entire household. That's right. He's now the asshole cat who requires pep talks, reassurance of our unconditional love, and a consistently upbeat environment. For example, the other day, the husband and I were having a heated conversation in the kitchen, when Pink meandered into the room.


Me: I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR MOTHERLOVING SOCK IS OHMYFUC---

Him: Well, I'm just SAYING, Wife, that I JUST BOUGHT THE DAMN THINGS YESTER---

[Pink enters room.]

Me: [Clears throat dramatically and points with eyeballs toward the cat.]

Him: Right...and, ah....as I was saying...this is why cats are such an important part of my life!

Me: I couldn't agree more, darling! I just don't know what we'd do without our beloved Mr. Pink!

Cat: [Licks asshole.]

The vet, you see, has diagnosed Mr. Pink with a nervous disorder. (GO FIGURE.) He believes the cat is sensing some sort of threat, which is why he's marking his territory (DAILY, OMFG) underneath our front window.

Texas is more than he can bear...(bare?) Whateverthefuck.

So we're trying to put the cat's mind at ease. With reassuring statements and kind, gentle tones. Just this morning, my husband and I walked into the bedroom and saw Pink lying on the freshly-made bed. He looked up at us with bedroom eyes.

Me: [Whispering to the husband.] Shit...the cat's in here...was he sleeping? Fuck. TIP TOE, HUSBAND... JESUS H---

Husband: [Whispering to the cat.] You just rest, Pink. We'll be out of your way in a moment.

Me: [In loving tone.] That's right, you asshole. Not a worry in the goddamn world.

Husband: You relax...no talk of euthanasia over here, that's for sure, Pink.

Me: Putting a cat down for incontinence! Who would ever do such a crazy thing!

Husband: [Under his breath, to me] My mother...don't let Pink talk to my mother.

Me: ...

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And now for the giveaway winners! I scrambled up all the entries and used random.org to pick the winners. From there, I matched each winner with a prize, again, using random.org.

Then I consulted with my proxy servers and picked my favorite people!

(I'M TOTALLY FUCKING KIDDING IN CASE YOU ARE NEW HERE AND/OR WEAR A SUIT TO WORK EVERY MORNING!)

Hunger Games Shirt: Ginger Mandy!

Kitschy prize pack 1: Mayor Gia!

Kitschy prize pack 2: Suzy Q!

Blogger Books: Tracy Terrell Frazier!

Custom Blog Header: Kathy!

Etsy Store CreditBrittany Stewart!

Eden Fantasys Gift Card: Veronica M.D!

Thank you to EVERYONE for entering...next time I'll get even more prizes to give away, because I honestly want to give you all a piece of me. Like that weird video from the 1980s.