Thursday, February 16, 2012

Two Girls Walk into a Shoe Store...

I'm just going to level with you: I've been going to the gym pretty regularly here lately. And I KNOW, I know. You're totally thinking, the gym? WTF, Kristine? Isn't that going to result in you becoming sexy and svelt and muscular and probably getting recognized on the street and whisked away to Hollywood, and then suddenly you'll be too busy and rich and famous to keep up a blog anymore?

Well, yes. I fully expect this is a possibility. But let's not get ahead of ourselves! Right now, the task at hand is keeping me committed to the gym SO STOP TALKING ABOUT SNICKERS BARS.


Anyway, I decided it was time to turn in my seven year-old running shoes for a new, updated pair if this gym-thing is going to last. But remembering that I am not to be trusted when it comes to making choices about fashion (OMFG I BLAME THE SKINNY JEANS), I asked my friend (and neighbor) Jenni to come along with me.

Much to my surprise, she agreed to be seen in public with me, so off we went.

When we got to the first store, I reminded her of the task at hand: to buy a pair of sneakers that aren't fully ridiculous. And, you know, good for the thing they call "running." She got right to work, gathering pairs of sneakers in my size. After several try-ons and about 45 minutes, however, I realized that my favorite pair was fully in the "ridiculous" camp.

We pressed on.

The next store had basically the same damn shoes, but also boasted a Buy-One-Get-One-Half-Off sale. And, wait! Jenni has a coupon! Suddenly, those shoes were starting to remarkably less ridiculous. But we tried one more store, just to be sure.

This store had a pair that I loved, but they were kind of similar to the other Ridiculous Shoes that we'd seen in the store that had the SALE-SALE-SALE! posters in the window, and OMG anyone else craving a humongous cookie?!


Back and forth, and back again we went, so that we no longer knew which was my favorite or what the hell we were even shopping for in the first place, and dear someone watching the children?! It was a dizzying haze of neon pinks and greens and shoelaces, and sale stickers as we left one store only to head back minutes later, discovering it had been ROBBED OF SHOES BY A LARGE ANGRY WOMAN moments before we arrived, only we didn't know this, so we just went to a corner of the store to switch out a pair of laces and just buy the GODDAMN RIDICULOUS SHOES ALREADY BECAUSE LAY OFF ME I'M STARVING even though there was an officer standing near the cash register when we approached, causing me to freeze instantly and prepare a speech about why I switched the neon green laces for the gray ones and that it was really MY GIFT TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC, and Jesus Christ, these are the fucking shoes we bought, ok?

Sure, some might call them "ridiculous" because you can "see them from a mile away" or they "burn your retinas" and "scare young children," but I'll have you know that just yesterday, at the gym, a man walked by as I was workin' it out on the elliptical, and he totally did a double-take.

(Of my feet. He was probably like 80.)