Wednesday, February 1, 2012

On This Episode of Fact or Fiction...

Maybe I've been watching too much American Horror Story or something, but I'm starting to wonder if something isn't...off...in my life. Or, more specifically, I've been preoccupied with the thought that my house and family members are in fact currently possessed by something not-of-this-world that will probably result in my untimely (and likely bloody) demise.

And so, to be fair to my children, home, and husband, I wanted to utilize you guys to help me assess the situation with a more discerning (and less Holy Water) eye. So, I present to you the following scenarios. I only ask of you, dear reader, to identify those which are real and those which have only been seen in horror films.

No pressure or anything. I have the exorcist on hold.

Scenario #1

Scene: Kitchen at dusk. Mother enters the room to see her young child sitting in a dark corner, making unintelligible sounds.



Mom: Heeyyyy...buddy... [Advancing slowly toward the child.] ... whatchya doin' over there?

Son: [No response.]

Mom: [Still advancing slowly.] Kiddo?

Son: [Turns suddenly, enraged.] I HAVE TO DO THE NUMBEEEEEEEERS!

Scenario #2

Scene: Children's bedroom, late at night. The kids are asleep and the mother has entered to kiss them once more before retiring for the evening.

Mom: [Opens door, which makes a heinous creaking sound. Makes mental note to purchase WD-40 for the love of GOD.]

Something in room: [Tick, tick, tick...Tick, tick, tick...]

Mom: [Grabs child's glowworm as a flashlight and protector. Tiptoes fearfully toward the sound, which seems to be coming from the kid's dresser.]

Something in room: [Tick, tick, tick...Tick, tick, tick...]

Mom: [Shines glowworm at a large, heavy souvenir elephant carving that her husband has brought back from a foreign land.]

Something in room: [TICK, TICK, TICK...TICK, TICK, TICK...it continues to taunt her.]

Mom: [Picks up elephant slowly, terror in her eyes. The sound is coming FROM INSIDE THE ELEPHANT.]

Fade to black as child awakens to a figure standing over his bed, clutching a blunt object.

Scenario #3:

This exhibit of preschool artwork.


Mom: [Gulp.]