Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Skinny Jeans, Oh Skinny Jeans

I've tried really hard to get into the skinny jean trend. I especially loved how the slimmer leg enabled you to wear a pair of rain boots without looking like Huckleberry Finn or that odd girl in elementary school that always tucked her pants into her socks.

(That girl may have been me.)

Alas, sometimes love just ain't enough, and though I've purchased, tried on, and coveted many a make, model, and variety of skinny jeans, they never live up to the potential they claim to offer.

1. Classic skinny

The classic skinny jean is apparently one that is tight, but not too tight, and typically darker in wash. This is an example of what I've seen advertised:

A. slim, sexy waistline!
B. lifted, touchable buttox!
C. endlessly smooth fabric that refuses to bunch, bulge, or bounce!
D. perfectly tapered leg and ankle...these jeans were MADE for you, sex machine!

And this is what I got in the fitting room:

A: Store clerk: "Please put your shirt back on, ma'am."
B. "I think my thighs look better naked." [Eyeballs store clerk.]
C. odd bunching from the kneecap down that somehow ADDS bulk the thinnest part of your leg.
D. [Overheard shouting from the fitting room] OMG I HAVE CANKLES! (See also: yesterday's gym socks.)

2. Super-skinny

Surely the super-skinny model can fix those issues of bagginess and bunching, right? Just take a look at these space pants!

A. it's a smooth waistline!
B. and slimming thigh silhouette!
C. with endlessly smooth fabric!
D. that won't bunch, bulge or bounce!


Here's what I got:

A. I think this waistline just ruptured my spleen.
B. A fit so snug, everyone can see your dimply ass and thighs!
D. My ten-year-old Danskos.

3. Boyfriend skinny

Maybe the boyfriend skinny can save the day! It's supposed to look loose and bunchy, but still slims your silhouette! Pictures can't lie, amirite?

Actually, pictures are the goddamn devil, I tell you:

A. There's only one thing to assess here: HAMMER TIME. (Also: I seem to have grown a penis.)

(Splurging on some cute shoes could not even save this hot mess, unfortunately.)

4. Destroyed skinny

Maybe I just need to get in touch with my badass-rocker roots, right? Even if the fit isn't sublime, surely the tough look will boost my confidence! I am beautiful! I am sexy! I wear jeans that intentionally have holes in them and I pay top dollar for them too!


A. whiskering that suggests an ill-fitting crotchal region.
B. Holes in pants that reveal where I cut myself shaving this morning. Oh, and look how cute my thigh BULGES OUT THROUGH THE HOLE WHEN I SIT DOWN OMFG.
C. My old Chucks will never be quite the same.

(Nor will I.)

5. Color skinny

But wait! I see something pretty! This season, the newest trend with the skinny jean is bold color! And, color is fun, if nothing else! It's like pasting some exclamation points on your damn thighs! And color is mood-boosting, is it not? Perhaps my desire to see the sunlight once again and have a BBQ in a backyard full of green, sprintime grass will overwhelm my flashbacks of drumstick thighs and wrinkled crotches?

Eh, probably not...

A. because I'm pretty sure I have a photo of myself wearing this exact outfit AT AGE FIVE.

I officially give up on the skinny jean. Kill this trend. Kill it with fire.