Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Cross Sections

Oh, you guys, I know I'm absent, and I hate it. The good news is that I just lost a freelancing job, so now I'll have more free time. Which, is better than eating, if you really think about it. Plus, I'm working on my video for my horrendous 1980s karaoke version of Somewhere Out There, and that's taking up a lot of time because Windows Movie Maker is not as easy to use as those smug kids from the Microsoft commercials make it out to be. (Just to give you a little teaser: I let my neighbors preview it the other night and they cringed and smiled nervously. And we were drunk!)

In the meantime, here are some cross sections of my life during the past week or two. Because it makes me feel better if I can pretend like you're here to witness this shit.

Awkward moment #1:

As I mentioned, my husband's friend was in town visiting. The kids had been put to bed, and we were in the living room chatting and surfing for YouTube videos on the XBox. (We know how to live, amirite?) Husband's friend mentioned how much he loves Adele, and started searching for a particular version of one of her songs.

Him: Do you guys like Adele?

Me: I've heard so much about her, but I've actually never heard one of her songs.

Him: [Incredulous] Really?

Me: Or...I mean, maybe I have, but I don't know it's her?

Him: Someone like you?

Me: I KNOW. I love music so much and normally know about all the new artists but this one---

Him: No. That's the name of the song. Someone Like You.

Me: Oh.

Awkward Moment #2:

On New Year's Eve we threw a birthday party for my eldest, who just turned five. Some neighbors and fellow military family and friends were over. While the kids, supervised by the men, ran each other over with the PowerWheel outside, us women sat indoors and sipped mimosas. And talked about cats. As one does on New Year's Eve.

Friend 1: [Pointing to our orange tabby cat.] So this one's name is Pink, right?

Me: Yeah, Mr. Pink.

Friend 1: But didn't it used to be something else?

Friend 2: Ohhh, that's right! You changed their names after you had kids because they were profane!

Me: Well...

Friend 1: I'm afraid to ask what Pink's name used to be.

Me: No, he was always Pink. Mr. Pink. We named him that because we like violent movies and his nose was remarkably pink as a kitten.

Friend 1: So...the other one?

Me: The other one is now called Fluffy Cat. We had to change HER name after we had kids.

Friend 2: [Giggling]

Me: It used to be Fluffy --- [widening eyes and sending mind bullets so I don't have to say it out loud]

Friend: OHHHHH! FLUFFY PUSSY!

Friend 2: [DYING]

Me: Actually, no. Fluffy Shit. But I could see how you might deduce that.

Awkward Moment #3:

I brought some snacks into Plus One's school yesterday to celebrate his birthday in class. Naturally, I arrived with T9 in tow, because I can't shake that kid.

Me: [Walking into preschool class] Hi there...kids!

Teacher: [To children] Everyone, this is Plus One's mom. And his brother! 

Everyone: [Blank, bored stare.]

Plus One: [Runs to brother as if he hasn't seen him in WEEKS as opposed to MINUTES] It's SO GOOD to SEE YOU AGAIN, brother!

Me: [Sweating. Resisting the urge to defend myself and ultimately come off looking like a woman who keeps her children separated in closets for much of the day.] Heh. 

Awkward Moment #4:

I have no context for this one, and in fact I have virtually no recollection of it happening. However, I wrote it down in my notes and likely threatened the husband with PUTTING IT ON THE INTERNET immediately after. And if nothing, I am a woman of my word. When I remember.

Him: You are not a small lady.

Me: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Him: How tall are you?

Me: I'm...average sized!

Him: Yeah. The size of an average man.

Fin.