Thursday, December 29, 2011

Somewhere Out There


Things have been busy, as you may have guessed. In the past week or so, my children were all, let's see who can raise their body temperature the HIGHEST (so far, the 3 year old is winning with 104.8), the cat was all MY EYEBALL IS FALLING OUT, baby Jesus was all it's my motherloving birthday, eBay was all SPEND DAYS OBSESSED ABOUT BUYING SOME NEW JEANS!, my husband was all WHO'S BEEN SHOPPING ON EBAY?, houseguests were all omg, is that a ForeverLazy?, and my Dad was all I just found a recording of you singing Somewhere Out There from like 1989!

For real.

Naturally, I'll be spending all my non-existent free time over the next few days turning that cassette-tape-turned-mp3 file of my 4th grade voice into a video for the glory of the Internet.

And if you didn't hear from me about the ForeverLazy, it's because you didn't win. That's how these things work. But I will be having another As Seen On TV giveaway soon, so try not to cry too many tears.

Save those for my Somewhere Out There video.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Holiday Giveaway: The Forever Lazy

It's Christmas time, kids. The most wonderful time of the year!


Are you going to leave your Christmas-morning surprises in the hands of a spouse? Loved one? Freakin' Santa Claus? Are you going to simply HOPE that this year is magical unlike every other Christmas since THE DAY YOU WERE BORN?! Are you going to simply sit back, passively, and let your heart shrink exponentially in size until you finally lock yourself away in a cave, adopt a lap dog, and start growing green fur?

Fuck no.

You're going to grab Christmas by it's annoying jingle-bell reigns and get yourself what you really want this year: A Forever Lazy.

Blankets are such a drag, and always fall off when you try to answer the door in the nude. Snuggies are no better, leaving your butt cheeks exposed like a cheap hospital suit. But the Forever Lazy? HELL. This thing even has a TRAP DOOR so you don't have to freeze your boobs off when it's time to pee at 2am!

So, forget about that Lexus, that chocolate diamond, and that Orgie Wonderland that T-Mobile has been promising you. Give yourself the ability to be lazy. FOREVER!



You'll get not ONE Forever Lazy, but TWO! That's right, up for grabs is one Pink Forever Lazy in size Medium, and one Grey Forever Lazy in size Large. Each also comes with a matching pair of slipper socks! And did I mention that these things are damn flattering?

Get the mistletoe ready, amirite?!

How to enter:

1. Leave a comment on this post telling me why you'd love to own a Forever Lazy, and to whom you'd give the second set.

2. Tweet about this contest and leave a comment letting me know that you tweeted. If you're lazy (LIKE WE ALL KNOW YOU ARE!) just copy and paste this one: I just entered the best holiday giveaway ever! Win a #ForeverLazy with @waitinthevan!

Contest is open through December 25th. Winner will be announced December 26th. Make sure your comment entry links to your contact information, as you will be notified by email. Winner must respond within 24 hours or an alternate winner will be selected.

Good luck you lazy bastards!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

'Tis the Season for Axe Wielding Toddlers

My friend was just here to drop off her son for some play time with my kids. So the two of us got chitchatting about the holidays and the attempted murder that happened over the weekend up the street from our houses.

You know, basic shit.

I offered the impulsive "sorry my house is a mess" as we moved toward the living room and explained that we were in the middle of organizing the garage. She was super polite about it, and then, because I have no social grace or ability to carry a logical, coherent conversation, I started talking about the fireplace.

I pointed to the wood pile in the living room and said to her, "Oh, dude, you'll never believe what T9 got into this morning." Then I reached up and grabbed an axe from the top of the refrigerator. As one does.

Her jaw dropped.

I stood there, holding the rusty old murder weapon and told her about how I was sitting at the computer working when I heard some strange banging noise coming from the living room.

Me: What are you doing T9?

Him: Nuffin!

After a few minutes, the noise hadn't subsided, so I rose to check on him. And there he was. My three year-old. Holding an axe and trying to chop up some wood that he found piled next to the fireplace.

How did the axe get there? I'm not clear on the details, people. But I suppose now would be a bad time to tell you what the kid did the day before with a goddamn razor blade.

As she headed out, I assured her that her son was in good hands. She peeked into the game room to say goodbye to her son when she spotted our unorganized and hastily stored liquor cabinet in the corner. Next to the Wii. Naturally.

Her: Party time, huh?

Me: Oh, yeah, THAT.'s not really put away yet...

T9: [Takes off clothing and starts eating a random slice of bread.]

Me: I swear. He's not drunk.

(In case anyone was wondering how my friend-making and mothering is going down here in Texas.)

PS: I'm elsewhere on the web today!

1. Over at The Mouthy Housewives, I have some choice words for those goddamn holiday car commercials.

2. At Mama Pop, I've created a holiday gift guide for all your favorite hard-to-shop-for celebrities.

Friday, December 9, 2011

10 More Bizarre Christmas Ornaments for 2011

I couldn't help myself, you guys. I did a lot of my Christmas shopping on etsy this year, and in between purchases for grandmas, I scoured the place for inappropriate pictures of angels.

And let me tell you, I found myself quite a few. So, I present to you some MORE bizarre Christmas ornaments for the holiday season, the offensive and religious version.


1. Emo prophet

Emo prophet is so emo. 

2. Angel carcass

Is it just me, or is she making that classic childhood I'M STICKING OUT MY TONGUE CUZ I'M DEAD face?

Click below to keep reading and to see an angel's gonads.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Don't Mind if I Snickerdoodle-do!

Thanks to Duncan Hines for sponsoring my writing. There's no limit to the baking possibilities, so grab your favorite Duncan Hines mix and Comstock or Wilderness fruit fillings and Bake On!

I think we've talked about how much I love cooking before. It's definitely not the groovy type of love Phil Collins likes to sing about. And, around the holidays, this "love" is especially problematic for me. Because you need to make MORE OF THE THINGS. AT THE SAME TIME. AND YOU PROBABLY HAVE TO CLEAN YOUR HOUSE TOO.

So I've learned to love baking instead! This works for me on many levels, but mainly the one where I get to eat cakes, cookies, fudge, and pastries. Don't mind if I snickerdoodle-do! (It's okay, you can use it.) Maybe once a year or so, with ample preparation from my life coach (okay, TWITTER), I can pull together a decent meal that  doesn't require sliced bread, but I try to avoid this at all costs.

In fact, during Thanksgiving, I managed to squirm my way out of cooking anything the day of the big meal. In fact our friends--the guests!--brought over basically EVERY SINGLE SIDE DISH you could think of. In the meantime, I ordered from the local BBQ joint and delegated my husband with the task of making the stuffing and gravy. (I'm not sure how I have any friends or husbands whatsoever.) In my defense, the day prior, I did, in fact, made three delicious pies and a few dozen to-die-for dinner rolls, but that's nothing compared to cooking dinner-smelling foods at 6am.


But anyway I'm here to TALK ABOUT CHRISTMAS so shut up about turkeys already.


Last Christmas, we were still in New York and my husband and I wanted to start a new tradition. After nixing things that required public singing, more time with in-laws, or glue guns, we decided to host an open house on Christmas Eve. We let all our friends know that we'd be there all day, and they could stop in and out for some snacks and general merry-making.

Long story short(ish), I had nothing for these people to eat other than cookies. Sure, we had crackers and cheese, and I think I heated up some scallops and bacon, but the main event consisted of candy cane chocolate cookies, peanut butter fudge, and motherloving snickerdoodles.

It was practically like one of those Martha Stewart dessert-table-theme-night-things that we've all heard of, but picture Marcal napkins and Solo plates instead of table runners and vases full of things-other-than-flowers.

In case you're new here, THIS ISN'T MY DRAWING. It's by ALLIE BROSH.

Also picture me stuffing my face. Gracefully.

The best part about it, other than eating cookies all the livelong day? Was that everyone had a blast. I mean, I know *I* had a blast. I don't remember having to scour the pantry for an especially hungry spouse or a sugar-crashing child. Nope, we carbed them up and shoved 'em out the door, before they had time to even question my flaws in the domesticity and party-planning departments.

And then we moved to Texas.

THAT, people, is how you throw a holiday dessert night with friends. I hope you took notes.

Remember to check out Duncan Hines' website to find some great recipes for your holiday get-together! I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Texas Black Market Christmas Trees

This past weekend was the weekend we picked up our first ever Texas Christmas Tree. We expected a fun afternoon with the boys, some mild cursing while untangling the godforsaken Christmas lights, and maybe some warm apple cider.

What we didn't expect was to discover an underground Christmas Tree Smuggling ring.

It was a rainy day, last Saturday, but we weathered the storm and made our way to Flower Mound, Texas. It's a really nice area of the state, with lots of impressive estates and big cows and a golf course that is, according to their sign, the best in America. We pulled into the parking lot of the tree stand and unloaded the boys from the truck. They were giggling and excited and jumping, and okay, maybe that was totally me.

Anyway, we started to browse, and it didn't take very long for me to spot a price tag. I kept walking and then stopped as the figure registered. My brow wrinkled and I turned to my husband.

"How much are these freakin' trees?"

"A lot, apparently."

My "a lot" he meant, over a hundred dollars. For one. One tree. One dying tree that may or may not burn your entire house down if you forget to water it. Some of the bigger trees were over $300.

"Holy shit," I said.


We walked around a bit more and I tried to make sense of the pricing. Was it the fuel costs? Where were they importing these suckers from, The fucking Netherlands?

Since we were new to the region, my husband and I simply assumed this is HOW THEY DO in Texas. Live trees are a commodity, we thought. I guess you'll have to get another job, we thought. Maybe we'll go PLASTIC next year, we thought.

So we bought the damn tree and took it home. It was still raining. I tried not to question my dedication to Christmas, but it was hard. I turned to Twitter for strength.

A few days later, my husband was running to the Home Depot to return some things. While he was there, he walked past the tree section to eyeball the price tags.

"You'll never believe how much they are here." He told me over the phone.

Me: Shut up.

Him: It'll make you sick.

Me: So they're normally priced everywhere else in Texas?!

Him: Apparently.

Me: Those motherfucki---

My kid: MOMMY! YOU SAID---


Him: Yeah, I think I might call those black market smugglers and give them a piece of my mind.

Me: I'm stunned. They basically charged us $100 to stand in the fucking rain.

We have yet to call the folks in Flower Mound or write our Congressman a strongly worded letter (I'd have to look up the Congressperson first, and I'm too scared that it's Perry). But there's certainly something fishy going on over there at that quaint little tree stand in Flower Mound, Texas.

Something fishy, indeed.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

20 Bizarre Christmas Ornaments for 2011

It's that time again, everyone! JettSuperior is doing her annual ornament exchange. I've already been shopping on etsy for a few days now and have more or less viewed all the things. I don't know much about the person I'm sending a gift to this year, so I thought I'd throw a wide net. I've come up with the following gems.

Feel free to buy me any on the list!

(Totally fucking kidding!)

1. Ronald Reagan is a Saint ornament. There's something about those eyes...

2. Terrifying giraffe ornament.

Dear god, someone hold me.

(Some are NSFW, so full set after the jump!)