Thursday, November 10, 2011

In Case of Imprisonment, Please Read

On Saturday, I'll be boarding a plane with my two young boys and flying to New York. We have a layover in Atlanta, and in total, will be spending roughly TEN HOURS in an airport or on a plane that day.

So this is basically my goodbye letter.

I'm really excited for the trip, though, even if it is my last one. My brother is getting married on Monday and I'll be in town just long enough to see some friends and family. So it's not like I'm dreading going home again. No, on the contrary. I'm just worried about the speed with which my children will get us imprisoned, detained, and/or taken away for testing at Area 51.

In fact, I've already started brainstorming to prepare for possible scenarios so that I'm better prepared to handle them should they arise. (As you know, I'm excellent when it comes to rational, helpful brainstorming.)

1. Security scuffle

While the boys have been on a plane before, it was dad's military plane and not a commercial airliner. Therefore, the security and the lines and the waiting? That's all gonna be new.  I've already dedicated a few hours to researching and memorizing all of the TSA's rules and regulations for flying with children, just to spot the areas of weakness for my children to take advantage of. In fact, TSA? If you're reading, I'd like to suggest you add the following to your FAQs section:

- What if my child crawls into the x-ray machine?
- How do I respond if my child won't stop hugging the TSA guard and asking for a CHOO-CHOO RIDE!
- I swear I didn't know my son had a metal object hidden in his nostril. What are my legal options?

2. Airport lockdown

Listen, if I managed to lose T9 after five minutes in Marshall's, just IMAGINE how scintillating a motherloving AIRPORT will be. Surely we'll at least face temporary quarantine after he bum-rushes the security gates. I plan on arriving at the airport 24 hours early to allow for this.

3. Emergency landing/flight diversion

I plan on contacting bloggers throughout the country's major metropolitan areas should I need a last-minute couch on which to sleep. I imagine that's what will be necessary when the entire flight begins chanting in unison: I'M TIRED OF THESE MOTHERFUCKING KIDS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE and we're forced into an early landing at an alternate location.

4. Air Marshall

Surely there's a legal loophole that allows for them to restrain and/or arrest a minor when he or she is kicking the back of his seat for 3 hours straight, right? (Or intermittently, in conjunction with my incessant STOP IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THE MAN HAS A GUN CHILD whisper-shouts.) Do you think a low-cut blouse will suffice?

5. Crash landing

Okay, so this has less to do with the children and more to do with with my anxiety flare-ups, but I've already composed a mental list of soothing things to say to the children in an effort to offset my panic attacks, nervous hives, and upset-stomach flatulence.

Should my methods fail, however, and you don't hear from me for a week or so, please contact the Justice League. (That's the human rights people, no?)

Wish us luck!