Monday, November 21, 2011

Hurry! Act Now!

Thanks to Walgreens for underwriting this post. I was paid as a member of the
Clever Girls Collective
, but the content is all mine. Visit

I believe you've heard me gripe about my inability to style my hair or generally appear presentable on a regular basis. But when the holidays (OMG FAMILY PORTRAIT TIME) and special events arise, I'M EVEN WORSE AS YOU MIGHT IMAGINE. For example, I recently attended the Marine Corps Ball (without Mila Kunis or Justin Timberlake, thank god...just regular annoying people). And then last week, I flew back to NY for my brother's wedding.

And let me just tell you, I think I totally pulled my damn self together, thankyouverymuch. With a little anxiety medication, confidence, and swigs of vodka, I was able to plow through my hair and makeup insecurities. In other words, if you, TOO, are makeup/hair product - phobic like me, THERE IS HOPE.


Jay-Kay! My makeup can all be found at your local drugstore/retail center/grocery store. Because that's how I roll. Frugally.

In all seriousness, this is me on any given Sunday. Or Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday for that matter. Hair, flat. Makeup, nonexistent. Visage, tormented.

My apologies, comrades, but the wretched BEFORE pic was necessary to display the magnitude of my achievements in the AFTER pics.


At the Marine Corps Ball:

At my brother's wedding:

In the guest bathroom contemplating Lasik surgery:

So, how did I do this? Aside from the medication and the confidence and the liquor and the body double? Here's my breakdown. Please keep in mind that I'm terrified of makeup and have NO IDEA what I'm doing.


1. I've learned one way, and one way only, to do my eye makeup and I haven't strayed from it in, ohh...a decade.
2. You'll need three colors: light, medium and dark of any color. I go with champagne, nude, and brown because I LIKE ALL THE BROWN THINGS.
3. The medium color goes all over your lid, up to your eyebrow. The dark color goes on the outer edge of your lid, and in the crease. And the light color goes on the inner part of your lid, near your eye-pit. (Where all that nasty shit goes that you get in your eyes.)
5. Eyeliner comes next. Thickness and color can depend on the event, but I just aim for symmetrical. ALSO! I used to be one of those people that would put the eyeliner on that smooth part of your bottom lid, like above the eyelashes, rather than under it. I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID THIS SO PLEASE DON'T ASK IT'S ALL VERY EMBARRASSING. Anyway, don't do that. It makes your eyes look smaller, darker. Plus, hygiene and shit.
6. Finally, the mascara. I always use black and I always use waterproof. Your eyelashes are small motherfuckers, and you don't need them to get all demure with a brown color. Also, waterproof essentially means smudgeproof at your age. Er, mine.
7. CURL THEM LASHES. I've always heard that you should curl your lashes before you put on your mascara so you don't, like INJURE the hair or some crap. But those people are idiots. Doing it after you apply the mascara creates a much fuller, open lash.


1. I hate foundation, and I refuse to wear it. Instead, I use a spot coverup on reddish or dark tones on my face. (Under and over the eyes, around my nose, and on all my angsty pimple scars.)
2. Next, I use a loose powder to control shine and even my tone. For more formal or dramatic looks, you can find a compact powder that works similarly to liquid foundation.
3. When it's time to apply the blush, use a medium sized, round brush and SMILE. Where your cheeks pop out? PUT IT THERE.


1.I've learned the hard way that lipliner has become a necessity at the ripe old age of 32. First, I apply some chapstick, then line the lip lightly.
2. Next, I apply a sheer lip color or clear gloss.
3. Smush you lips and blot. Add more gloss for shine.


1. Practice for about five or ten years with hot rollers and curling irons.
2. Miraculously figure it out one day, managing to master that uncoordinated behind-the-head rolling action.

And after all that, I basically just run screaming from my house hope for the best. What are your methods? And perhaps more importantly, will you teach me?