Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Book Whisperer: FOR HIRE

Have you heard about the new What to Expect When You're Expecting movie? You know, based on that oddly illustrated book about pregnancy and the like? Other than the fact that the movie, setting to star faces like Dennis Quaid and Cameron Diaz, is based off of what reads like a fifth grade health textbook, I feel like there's some real potential here. I mean, these What to Expect people need to expand their branding for fuck's sake! HOLLYWOOD IS WATCHING, you guys. You need to set down your colored pencils and crochet and get back to your typewriter before your 15 minutes expire. Who says those Dummies handbooks need to be the U2 of the publishing world? I mean, is it writer's block or something? Because if that's the case, let me just tell you that your day has just turned from bleak to BLOCKBUSTER.

Here are some ideas for additional books that I came up with in the shower this morning. I'm happy to sell them to you for a small fee:

What to Expect When You're Expecting an Indictment

Filled with current information on how to negotiate for top-dollar interviews with national media, contact information for the most trustworthy and discreet transporters to set you up with a new identity in Shangri-la, and how-to tutorials on scoring high profile defense attorneys, this indictment bible is a must-have for the modern felon. 

What to Expect When You're Expecting Your Mother-in-Law

From training the children to recite passages from Milton's Paradise Lost to effective threatening techniques to temper your husband's behavior around his dear mother, What to Expect When You're Expecting Your Mother-in-Law has it all! Look for bonus chapters on how to successfully hide your liquor stash, deflect unwanted criticisms, and hide a dead body!

What to Expect When You're Expecting a Miracle

Find yourself with that delightful 80s earworm, "All I Need is a Miracle" rattling your brain? GOOD! Because each copy of this new edition is wired to automatically play various 80s hits including Kyrie Eleison, Like a Prayer, and Sister Christian every time you open the book! After all, how can God hear you IF YOU'RE NOT SINGING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS?!

What to Expect When You're Expecting a Package

Including tips on how to peer out your blinds without attracting the attention of your neighbors, alibis and strategies for trafficking illegal goods, and how to test for anthrax spores, this book makes a great birthday or anniversary gift!

What to Expect When Expecting the Unexpected

"If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you TEACH him to fish, he's probably going to be really fucking annoyed and never talk to you again." 

It's the adage from which this text draws its inspiration. For when you open the book, the LAST thing you'll find there is a bunch of printed words! Instead, opening the cover will alert the nearest cell tower of your location and immediately send upon you one of the ten plagues of Egypt! How better to learn than trial by fire! Or locusts!

Anyway, that's just off the top of my head, you know?

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