Thursday, September 29, 2011

Parental Terror, Take 342

Since the gaggle of teenagers sittin' in the tree, s-m-o-k-i-n-g (MARIJUANA BEHIND MY HOUSE OMFG), I haven't been able to completely get this issue of drugs and children out of my head. Sure, my kids are only 3 and 5 (ish), but why put off 'til tomorrow what you can obsess about today?

Because, let's be clear. Momma was NO ANGEL. As an adult, I can assess my behavior and realize that it was a result of some emotional issues I was struggling to manage (I think the official term is Girls-Just-Wanna-Have-Fun-Syndrome). But I'm also aware that what I went through is not necessarily going to be the experience my boys encounter.

Because I'm pretty sure it'll be WAY easier for them to get drugs. SINCE THEY'RE ALREADY VISIBLE FROM MY KITCHEN WINDOW.

There's also the issue of drinking, which I think is an even bigger one, to be honest. I've been around alcoholism and I know it's allure. I also know how soul-crushing and absolutely DEADLY it can be for chldren. And my instinct to protect my boys from that AT ANY COST even if that means screening any and all potential friends with the use of a Private Detective I've placed on retainer.

(He does preschool-aged kids two-for-the-price-of-one!)

As the kids, age, however, my methods will have to get craftier. So far, I've come up with the following ideas:

1. GPS implants.
2. Running for President (and winning) so my kids have 24/7 monitoring by Secret Service agents.
3. THIS pretty fucking awesome product (especially for teens with established problems/struggles, etc) called Soberlink.

4. Establishing an off-the-grid sub-culture like they had in that movie, The Village.
5. Medically-induced coma (can they do that for the duration of a kid's teenage years, you think?)
6. Clockwork Orange-style indoctrination to the anti-drug message.
7. Sell all our cars and adopt the Amish lifestyle to stave off drinking-and-driving.
8. Time machine loops so we can repeat the childhood decade indefinitely. Like Groundhog's Day. With less Bill Murray.

What do you think? Or more importantly, will this utter TERROR of motherhood EVER fucking relent?