Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Disciplining Comedians

I realize I'm tempting fates here, but I feel like I've finally gotten to a point where child-rearing feels...easier.

::waits for lightning to strike::

I don't need to worry about kids sleeping through the night all that much. I'm no longer plagued by feeding and sleeping schedules. And even my second kid is finally out of diapers. In fact, potty training only took a few weeks as opposed to, oh, the YEARS it took with my first. (NOT EVEN KIDDING A LITTLE BIT OMFG FLASHBACKS.)

But one thing that's become a challenge is discipline. My boys can be...how you say?...smartasses. While this is all very normal, the problem is that I find it all quite hysterical. And my laughter, SURPRISE SURPRISE, tends to negate the "THIS IS NOT FUNNY" words coming out of my mouth. Take, for example, the following recent incidents:

1. Cookie Monster

We were at a friend's house the other day and I brought some freshly baked cookies. After each of the kids finished their respective lunch, they were given exactly one as a treat and sent off to play while us mothers I attempted to eat the rest of them discreetly.

Every now and then, however, T9 would mosey on back into the kitchen under the guise of being cute or chatty, or, his latest, scared. OF PLAYING. Then, the moment the conversation picked back up, he'd scan our faces before thrusting his fist into the container of cookies, and ramming one into his mouth as quickly as possible, literally eating it like the goddamn Cookie Monster. He knew we'd see him and immediately take the cookie away, so he needed to be quick about it.

Little dude is fucking CLEVER.

What made it hilarious is that he did this like three more times. I held my breath to stifle the laughter, and as I lead him back to play I could hear one of my friends say, "I thought this only happened on TV!"


2. OH, POOP!

My eldest, on the other hand, chooses to wage more passive assaults. By somehow working the word "poop" into any and every conversation. Sometimes, he'll hold ENTIRE CONVERSATIONS using JUST THE WORD POOP, you guys.

Me: Plus One, what are you doing?

Plus One: Poop? [Falls to floor dramatically.] OH, POOP!

Me: Plus One, we DO NOT USE THAT WO---

Plus One: Poopy-poop-poop? YOU'RE A POOP! ::farting noise:: [Making the sound of a truck in reverse] POOP-POOP-POOP. I. AM. A. POOP. ROBOT. ::farting noise::

Me: I...I don't even...[Blank stare.] [OMFG]

3. I'm Pooping on You!

My three year-old likes to occasionally moon us all while shaking his tiny butt and squealing, WIGGLE! WIGGLE! WIGGLE! (I blame DJ Lance Rock. That asshole.) But the other day, he built upon the routine, presumable stealing from his brother's repertoire. He bent over, stuck his butt on my leg, wiggled it a bit, and started making farting noises while proclaiming "I POOP ON YOU, MAMA! AHAHAHA!"

And you know what? IT WAS FUCKING HYSTERICAL. And I laughed. (Is that so wrong?)

4. The Copy Game (THE COPY GAME!)

Do you remember when this game was novel and fun? YEAH, ME FUCKING NEITHER. Because I think I have Copy Game PTSD, and I don't know how to end the game without LOUD NOISES and manic FLAILING OF THE ARMS and JUST STOP IT ALREADY MOMMY HATES THIS GAME.

5. The Dude

As if they weren't coming up with enough on their own, I think I've helped them integrate "dude" into their everyday vernacular. Just yesterday, we had an HVAC technician come to fix our air conditioning. Plus One greeted the man politely at the door, complete with a handshake. This was all a ploy, however, because when the technician reemerged from upstairs, Plus One looked up at him casually before returning his eyes to the television his Shakespeare.

Plus One: Oh, it's you. Hey dude.

HVAC Dude: [Uncomfortable smirk] Well...hello again...

Me: Dude, PLUS ONE---


I mean... [ahem]...PLUS ONE...that is not a polite way to speak to this man...[Turning to the HVAC Dude] Heh. KIDS, right?

HVAC Dude: Kids, dude.

(I think I'm in trouble.)