Friday, September 30, 2011

Consumerism 101

Perhaps I spoke a bit too soon about this whole EASY PARENTING phenomenon. Because in the past week or so, I've noticed that my son has begun behaving a bit oddly. Well, more specifically, he's been TALKING a bit weird.

And by that I mean, he's been speaking in commercials.

I've never wished more that he just stuck to the poop jokes.

Let me explain:

The other day, we were getting the mail. We were all disappointed to see there was nothing but a flier and some junk mail awaiting us. (That Prince from South American PROMISED my check would be here by now!) As I do, I handed the mail to each of the boys. T9 got the flier and proceeded to hug it (whatever), and Plus One eyeballed the envelope I'd placed in his hands.

"THIS?! [Scoff.] This is just from GEICO, MOM."

Dude is barely five. CANNOT READ. And yet, he recognized "Geico" stamped in the upper left-hand corner of the motherloving envelope.

Haters gonna hate.

I SWEAR HE HARDLY WATCHES TV.

Another incident involved me and the broom. (SEE?! I CLEAN!) I was raking sweeping a pile of crumbs from under the table when Plus One meandered aimlessly into the kitchen. He glanced at my pile, then up at me, then finally at the contraption I held in my hands. Absent-mindedly, he pointed at the broom. "Libman? That's the smart clean, Mom." Then he turned on his heel and left the room.

I'm pretty sure he didn't hear me say, "The fuck...?"

The final straw was when we were upstairs fetching some of his laundry from the dryer. He was again paying attention to his surroundings (take a REST already, kid) and somehow spotted the OxiClean logo on a bottle of laundry detergent.

Plus One: Hey! That's OxiClean! It gets the stains out!

Me: *blink*

Plus One: Did you have a stain, Mom?

Me: Um...

Plus One: MOM. THE OXI CLEAN.

Oh, poop.

__________

PS: I'm over at Studio 30+ today as well. I have a post about a wonderful recipe for Chicken & Dumplings. With a side of salmonella. And divorce served for dessert. IT'S DELICIOUS.


PPS: This coming Thursday, I'll be attending a Duran Duran concert with none other than Miss Yvonne of Yo Mama's Blog. I'm telling you in advance so you can prepare for the sonic boom that sounds when our minds collide. (Or, so you know who to look for when my body is discovered in the woods.)