Thursday, August 4, 2011

On Aging (or Morphing)

This post was originally published on September 24, 2010

It may come as no surprise to hear that I have self-image issues. I deflect compliments, avoid flashy clothing, and more or less cry myself to sleep in a puddle of mascara on a regular basis. Totally unoriginal, I know. But still. And as much as I love my glasses (eyesight! I haz it!), they often draw much more attention than I'm comfortable with.

Take for example, a few years back. For a while I was especially irked by my MINOR resemblance to Lisa Loeb. Rather, I was irked by those who chose to point it out. Because the fact of the matter is that I didn't look like her at all. It was JUST THE GLASSES. I assume these people are of the belief that all myopic people LOOK THE SAME?!


Anyway, about five years ago, on my old blog, I posted this as visual evidence of my anti-Loeb manifesto in an effort to put this unwarranted fuss to bed. I would bare my face for the world if you would JUST SHUT UP ALREADY. I used letters to highlight how our features are in fact, not very similar at all and maybe even through up a graph or two for good measure.

Circa 2005

In the end, it all kinda backfired and one of my husband's acquaintances still refers to me as Lisa. Dick.

Now let's cut to present day. After recently watching an especially horrid M. Night. Shyamalan movie, I was informed by none other than Mark Wahlberg that our features NEVER STOP GROWING. As in, our noses get longer, chins broader, ears...hairier? as we age.

(What? It's in a movie! A MARKY MARK movie, no less! Plus, Hollywood never lies.)

And now, years after the Lisa Debacle of '05, I realized that my struggle has only just begun. Because as I sat there before my television screen, noting the boom mics appearing in nearly every frame (really, Shyamalan?) and picking stray popcorn out of my crotch, I started thinking about how, COME TO THINK OF IT, my nose IS seemingly pointier these days and that chin IS so goddamn ANGULAR and OHMYGODOHMYGOD:

Circa half-way through The Happening, 2010

Forget my mother. I've become fucking Spiderus.

I think I'll need a moment.