Friday, August 5, 2011

I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

This post was originally published on February 16, 2011. (Since then, I have suffered a relapse.)
The fact that I have many demons in my closet and love to mix metaphors should not come as a surprise to you. However, the revelation of THIS particular vice might (but not likely):

I have a hardcore addiction to trash television.

Real Housewives? Check. Project Runway? You betchya. Holly's World? Sadly, yes. American Idol? OF COURSE.


I mean, it's not like I watch them ALL THE TIME. I work nights and we don't even have a DVR!  But here's the thing: my husband more or less LOATHES these programs. I mean, most guys do, right? (Yes, EVEN the Playboy ones because, hello? They're talking.) But in our house, it's actually to the point where it occasionally causes tension.  We've had lots of conversations about these shows, and they kind of started like this:

Him: Why do you watch this stuff?

Me: [Eyes wild.] YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!

Him: Uhm? I didn't say you can't watch them....I, ah...[steps away slowly, hands raised defensively]

Me: THEY HELP ME RELAX OHMYGOD WHY ARE YOU OPPRESSING MEEEEEEE [charging at him with blind fury.]


Over time, the discussion evolved into something more like this:

Me: [Stomping down the hallway to bed.]

Him: Did you remember to turn off the TV?

Me: [Glare.]

Him: What's wrong?

Me: WHAT'S WRONG?!

Him: Uhhm...

Me: You know what's wrong? YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG?! WHAT'S WRONG IS YOU CAN'T SING AND YOU STOLE MY HOUSE! AUF WIEDERSEHEN YOU PROSTITUTION WHORE! [Flips night table.]

Him: [Ducks reflexively and dials the authorities].

In other words, I like to think that these shows are relaxing, but I'm honestly more angered by some of these people than I am amused. I sit there and maybe laugh, but I'm often judgey and frustrated that I'm wasting my time when I have so much other stuff to do. And even THEN, I start to defend my choice to watch because MY GOD, DON'T I DESERVE SOME TIME TO RELAX WITH SOME GODDAMN TELEVISION?!

It's a vicious cycle.

Anyway, without any pressure from my tolerant, patient husband, I decided to just lay off most of these shows. I'd already weaned myself off of my subscription to US Weekly and removed Perez Hilton from my home page.  So, TV shouldn't be so hard! RH of NY? Done. Atlanta? See ya! Beverly Hills? (Well...it was really only the first season, and I didn't want to JUDGE the girls by ASSUMING they'd be so annoying that they'd make me judgey, you know? It's just kind of complicated and...)

I've cut down, ok? I can at least claim THAT. But do you see? Do you SEE how EERILY similar this is to, say, a raging crackhead or one of those people from Hoarders?! (OMG...HOARDERS. I FORGOT ABOUT HOARDERS. YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY MY HOARDERS!)

::flips through the channel lineup::

And you know what's hardest? Is that all you guys are a bunch of enablers. That's right, I SAID IT. I am tapping my screen right HERE and it's totally bonking you right on the head.  Because I open up Twitter for ONE MINUTE and what do I see? Awesome Bachelor snark, THAT'S WHAT.  And I wasn't even INTO The Bachelor this year! Or like, EVER!

And now? Now I find myself streaming episodes and watching insane women vie for the attention of a man who travels with his therapist. Does that make me a bad person? I think I might be okay with that.  *twitch*


I'm just not going to fight it anymore.