Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Filling Daddy's Shoes

Did I mention that my husband is in Romania? I tend to withhold that type of information because I generally assume you're all a bunch of sociopathic serial killers and will plot a home invasion while the man of the house is away. But you're not going to do that right? Because my cats are fucking vicious. Plus I think there's a deadly weapon around here somewhere.


When my husband is traveling for work, I have to work extra hard to keep my anxiety at bay. I mean, I'm not a walking panic-attack, but I generally have visions of the bloody demise of my family on a more regular basis. (Don't you?) For example, when I enter any room in the house, I first locate a blunt object that can be used against the intruder that may or may not hiding in the closet. And I triple check the locks on all the windows and doors throughout the day. I've stopped short of attaching razor blades to my cats' paws, but you have to admit it's a pretty fucking good idea.

I don't let myself watch 20/20, is what I'm saying. Or anything about ghosts for that matter, because you never fucking know with ghosts.

Anyway, Husband will be gone until the end of next month, which is a long time for all of us. So, apart from my CODE RED status and my husband trying to decipher whatever language it is that they speak in Romania, it's hard for the kids, too. Just the other day, I could sense that the boys were missing their father, so I decided to reenact some of the things he likes to do with them. I didn't trust myself to throw them into the air AND catch them, so I immediately scrapped that idea. Another option was outdoor activity, but HAHAHAHAHA! In the end, I told T9 to grab his toolbox and we headed upstairs to put together a bookshelf. Plus One got to measuring while his brother thwacked on the wood with his plastic hammer. Is was really quite lovely. For about five minutes.

Because holy shit if that wasn't the most obnoxiously built bookshelf in the history of furniture. The screws wouldn't line up, the anchors were too large, and JESUS CHRIST WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HOT IN HERE. The boys gave up on me after about fifteen minutes and decided it would be more fun to throw my jewelry at one another while jumping on the bed and simultaneously trying to eat quarters.

Next time I think I'll just let them sleep with one of his pillows or something.



You can find me at The Mouthy Housewives today offering advice about a punky stoner kid. [Lawyer edit: My advice is based purely on speculation and not personal experience.]

I was also at Moxie Bird yesterday talking about PETA's new porn site. No, really...PETA's goin' porn! It's just as weird as it sounds! (Actually, is WAY more strange than it sounds.)

OH! AND! BIG! NEWS! Tonight, at midnight, I'm launching a giveaway for a motherloving iPad2 courtesy of Vonage. No joke. So I hope you'll come back and enter seeing as I can't win it myself. You jerks.