Friday, July 22, 2011

I Just Want to Go to Sleep

The other night, I was laying in bed when, out of nowhere I could hear Steven Tyler's voice. (After I minor panic attack, however, I realized he wasn't in my bedroom or anything. I just had one of his songs pop into my head. Close call!) I'm not sure what triggered this late-night earworm, but I was suddenly rolling my eyes as I lay in bed hearing "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" on repeat. It's an unfortunate song for lots of reasons, but mostly because of Ben Affleck, the misspelling of "want to" and, of course, the lyrics. I was even more frustrated when I realized that it doesn't help to smoosh your pillow against your ears if the song is, in fact, coming from INSIDE THE BRAIN.



And as I lay there, listening to my husband snore in time to Steven Tyler, I started humming along to the melody. Except now *I* was the one singing into a microphone covered with scarves (brrr!) and the words had changed a bit.

I will lay awake if you don't stop snoring!
Watch you twitch while you are sleeping
Like a dog who lay there dreaming
I could spend my life locked away in prison
If I don't stop with this murderous vision.

I JUST WANT TO CLOSE MY EYES
I JUST WANT TO GO TO SLEEP
BUT YOU'RE SNORING BABE
AND I CAN'T FUCKING FALL ASLEEP!

Can you picture me up there on the stage in my threadbare t-shirt and pajama pants? Maybe a nest of knotted hair in the back? Fuzzy, unbrushed teeth? An overtired scowl? Are you belting it out with me?! Come on! EVERYBODY SING!

Lying close to you, I think the bed is shaking
And I'm wondering how you're sleeping
Through this nasal passage concert
Then I poke your side 
And curse God you're not waking
I just want to sleep with you in silence
In silence, in silence!

I JUST WANT TO CLOSE MY EYES
I JUST WANT TO GO TO SLEEP
BUT YOU'RE SNORING BABE
AND I CAN'T FUCKING FALL ASLEEP!

::cue string instruments::

What do you think? Maybe it's about time for Weird Al to get some competition. I'd totally do it. For you, my fans: the sleep-deprived, judgment-affected women of the world.

I'm working on a remake of Nine Inch Nails next. Stay tuned! And don't tell my husband!