Last weekend, I was sitting on the couch where I normally do my writing. My husband was reclining on the La-Z-Boy chair, where he normally takes his naps. I'd left the room to put the kids down for their nap, and when I returned, I sat back down to continue working.
Him: Are you going to be click-clacking like that the whole time?
Me: I'm not sure what you mean by "whole time", but yes, I'll be typing. [TypeTypeTypeType.]
Him: Well I'm trying to take a nap. [Turning up television to drown out my raucous typing.]
Me: You realize I was here first, right?
Him: Isn't there anywhere else in the house you can be typing right now?
Me: This is where I always type!
Him: Even just in the dining room? At the table?
Me: I can't believe this.
Him: Can't believe what?!
Me: I was here first and I'm the one being forced to leave. [Headshaking, scowlmaking, eyerolling.] I'm like the Native frickin' Americans over here...
Me: ...just outrageous.
Him: [Calling to me from the bedroom.] What are you doing in there?
Me: [Muffled.] Brushing my teeth! You should try it some time.
Him: Very funny. Turn off the damn light already. I'm trying to go to sleep.
Me: [Spit.] Did you brush your teeth?
Me: [Still brushing ferociously.] You know, oral health is linked to heart disease.
Me: I'm serious!
Him: Did you find the hedge clippers in the garage?
Me: [Look of utter confusion and disgust.]
Me: I told you that I'm never going into the garage again.
Him: Is this about the spider?
Me: Yes, this is about the spider, husband. THE DEADLY SPIDER YOU LET LIVE IN OUR GARAGE.
Him: I told you; I wasn't sure if it was a Brown Recluse at the time.
Me: The rule with spiders is "when in doubt, smoosh the motherfucker." Didn't you know that?
Me: I'm traumatized. Every time I have to walk through the garage to take out the trash, I envision that Brown Recluse hitching a ride inside on my back, unseen....kind of like that squirrel scene from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation!
Me: WHAT?! That thing is probably in there birthing multiples as we speak.
Him: You are over the top.
I think he might be right. But still. He should've killed that fucking spider.