Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Great Escape

Big day, kids. BIG DAY.

First, I'm happy to announce that I'm a new member of The Mouthy Housewives clan! From here on out, you can find me over there every other Monday (starting this coming Monday). I'm still kind of amazed, really, but not because they have poor judgment or anything! It's just that, you know, Marinka, Wendi, and Kelcey (and now, Tonya, too!) are all funnier than our collective moms. COMBINED.

I'm not at ALL breaking out in nervous hives all over my chest and neck, so stop asking already. It's perfectly normal to wear turtlenecks. In June. In Texas.


The OTHER thing is that I'm heading to the airport to pick up my mother in just a few short hours! (Actually, she may have already landed. I'm still getting tripped up by this time change.) I can't tell you how excited I am, to be honest. In New York, my mother was always a phone call and fifteen minutes away, and I'm a bit lost without her here in Texas. And since the boys are even excited-ER (to the nth degree), I'm bringing them along with me to the airport. This is partly so that I can have someone hear me whine and curse when I get lost in the maze of the Texas highway system, but mostly because I've been picturing that closing scene from Love, Actually for weeks now, and my vision of the reunion is nothing short of...well, let's just say it's probably totally going to get me an Oscar. Maybe a Webbie.

First, to prep the boys for the big scene, I plan on talking up how much we've MISSED grandma while we drive to the airport. This is sure to really get them tuned in to their emotional sides. (If I get tears, I'll abort with my fail-safe MOMMY'S JUST KIDDING!) I plan on hearing proclamations such as "BEST GRANDMA EVER!" and things of that nature. Misty eyes get a bonus M & M.

Then, when we get to the airport and see her flight number on the screen, we'll start singing a little song we wrote during the ride over--one that tells the story of grandma and all the love and laughter she brings to our lives. (One of the lines I've been tossing around goes something like, Grandma is a special gal! Doesn't snore like Uncle Sal! sung to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle.) Next, as soon as I catch a glimpse of her through the crowd (omg, I can't believe she's wearing those shoes), I'll let out an audible gasp, leaning down to squeal-whisper into my kids' ecstatic faces: I! SEE! GRAAAAAANDMMAAAAAAAHHH! (Yeah, kind of like Oprah would do.) They will start short-circuiting with glee, frantically searching the crowd for that familiar lady's face.

With a light pat on their butts, I'll release their hands and encourage them to run, in slow-motion, toward their grandma as soon as they see her come through the gate. (We'll have practiced this in the parking garage, naturally. Slow-mo is kind of abstract for kids.) As she emerges fully from the crowd, grandma will be carrying gifts and magazines and god-why-didn't-she-CHECK-that-freakin'-bag, but she'll set them all down swiftly when she sees her grandkids dashing her way. With a single, smooth motion, she'll kneel down and scoop them up with one of those laughing-cries, and the boys will hug her so tightly and passers-by will stop and smile, thinking fondly of their own children and loved ones. Somewhere, someone will pull out an iPhone and get the whole thing on video. It should be viral by this afternoon.

And the best part won't be the tears I see in my littlest kid's eyes, or the way my mother's hands cradle his head against her shoulder. No. It'll be the very moment that I realize I've created enough of a distraction for me to high-tail it out of there. I'm thinking a 12:30 flight to Kokomo. I'm not sure where Kokomo is, exactly, but it seems like a destination fitting to my escape. And if it's good enough for the Beach Boys, right?

Wish me luck!