(Please note that the hatred I have for the items below is irrational and might be upsetting to young children and the elderly. Proceed with caution.)
1. Mozarella Cheese
Listen, I love some good mozzarella just like the rest of you food-types, but my love is NOT unconditional. Once you mix that shit into a pasta dish or sprinkle some on your frozen pizza for that maybe-they'll-think-it's-homemade effect? It melts into the inescapable blob. First, I can't scrape it off the plate. Then, I rinse it off in the sink and it just...like...STRETCHES like a sick and sinister Gumby. Then I try to wipe it off with my dish-gloved hand and the shit just smears all over like toxic-avenging bubble gum. THEN, I pull out the dish brush and the cheese spontaneously separates and lodges itself to the bristles like FLEAS on a CAT.
Then? Then I throw my entire kitchen in the garbage.
2. My new racerback bra.
I tweeted the other day about how buying this new bra must've bumped me up a few rungs on the social ladder. You see, I've been wearing racerback tanks for a while, but haven't had the coordinating boob attire until recently. Driving home with my new bra, I had visions of how magical this new bra could be. Comfortable shirts! And nary a strap to be seen! I even daydreamed about being DISCOVERED on the streets of Fort Worth because a lack of bra straps finally bumped me into the realm of supermodel. I was kind of excited, is what I'm saying. But HOLY SHIT, putting that damn bra ON is like trying to wrestle my way out of the inside of a rubber band ball. Just then yesterday morning, I finally got my arms in the right holes and tried to hook it closed behind my back while looking in the mirror. It as all VERY graceful. Then, suddenly,I don't know what the hell happened, but I hooked my finger--like UNDER THE FINGERNAIL--and that fucking bra...IT DREW BLOOD. MY GOD THE BLOOD IT WAS EVERYWHERE.
I guess I'll never be a supermodel.
3. Charter Cable
This company is like a goddamn parody of the business world. A PARODY I SAY. The nonstop issues we've had with these bastards is an absurd form of comedy. But like that dark kind of absurdity. The kind that makes you cry big ugly tears. Because you've just been overcharged $200 on your first bill. And your cable box is broken. Again. And now your Internet cut out for no apparent reason. And OMG SOMEONE CUT THE PHONE LINES. Or...wait...it's just the incompetent installation man.
If there was ever a MAN I'd like to STICK IT TO! Wait...
4. The Sun
Does this prick have a clue? Gig's up, smartass. WE KNOW YOU CAUSE CANCER. STEP THE FUCK OFF ALREADY.
5. Door-to-door solicitors
Maybe this is a regional thing? Kind of like dialect and political affiliation and whether your congressman is a sexter or a mistress-taker? But since we've moved to Texas, we've had at least 1 or 2 door-to-door salespeople PER WEEK.
Just yesterday afternoon, I was just about to wipe my potty-training toddler's ass when the doorbell rang. I told my son to STAY on the toilet much like you tell a dog to STAY, but realizing the epic futility of your command. When I got down the stairs, I was already estimating how much bleach I'd need to clean up the aftermath of an unsupervised kid on the toilet.
Her: Hi there! What's your name?
Me: Um, who are you?
Her: Oh, sorry I'm talking so fast. I've just got so much to share with you today!
Her: My name's Channing and we're working hard today to spread the word about education and improve success rates in your local school district!
Her: Do you read with your children ma'am?
Her: How important is education to you?
Me: Listen, I don't think...
Her: Because we have these great books that will really get your children excited to--
Me: [Hearing a distant giggle rife with mischief echoing down the stairwell] Listen, CHANNING. I have shit on my hands and I'm fairly certain a shit-smeared bathroom is currently being added to that list. I don't think I'm interested in what you're selling today.
I do NOT know how to be nice to solicitors. At all. And let's not talk about what was waiting for me in the upstairs bathroom.
So! That's all I've got. What's pissing you off?