Monday, June 6, 2011

A Few, Or Twelve, Things

Today I have some more exciting news for everyone. And by exciting I mean well-I-have-another-scary-Texas-bugs-post-in-me-but-how-much-of-that-shit-can-you-really-take?

Who's down for an OCD list that is 12 items in length, no more, no less?

::runs to the bathroom and washes hands::


1. First, I wanted to let you know that I'm featured over at The Mouthy Housewives again today! This time, I offer advice on how to deal with people who post annoying Facebook profile pictures. Spoiler: it ends with me encouraging you to ask the person if you may feel her up. Yay!

2. Did you know that the full, official trailer for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn has been released? AND THAT THE HEADBOARD SCENE MADE THE CUT?!

OMFG ::rips off clothing::


::recovers, runs to the bathroom to wash hands::

3. I also wrote a piece about a really amazing online writer who seized a terrible opportunity to confront the man who raped her when she was 14. There is nothing funny about this post, but it's worth the read. Emily McCombs is nothing short of amazing, I'd say.

4. I finally got my own domain, kids! In other words, you can now type in and land yourselves on my little patch of the Internet. Typing .blogspot is a real bitch, and one tiny mistype and you've landed your ass on a porn site. By accident! I know!

Truth be told, I've actually owned the domain for a year, but registered it with the wrong clowns and would've had to pay to get it to redirect to blogspot. In the end, I obviously decided not to pay for the hosting, which meant I'd have to wait a year to let my ownership of the domain expire and then POUNCE on it once it was available again. (It's all very complicated.) Well, that POUNCING opportunity happened this morning, when I got the email saying the domain had finally been released. I shoved the good-morning-mommy! children out of my way, and darted downstairs to foil the attempts of any criminal masterminds that might have ideas to steal my BRAND. It was all very anticlimactic because, in the end, there were no ninjas or James Bonds involved after all, and I was told it might take up to three days for everyone to access my site with the new link. (It also means some aspects of the site will be a bit wonky for a few days.)

This is an image result from googling "Wait in the Van" and I find it...terrifying.

I might just rent a helicopter and a stunt double to make up for the disappointment.

5. I wrote a full post about this movement to ban circumcision in California, but I'm sitting on it because I'm not sure if posting it here would actually be insulting to everyone involved or what. Instead, I'll change topics with no segue whatsoever to point out that I finally added my Facbook Fanpage "LIKE!" badge (is that what it's even called?) to the sidebar, because I don't know what I'm doing and it only took a year and will you just click it already, PLEASE?

6. Last night, my son found a pack of Go Fish cards and I noticed that he'd made up his own game to play with them. So, in the spirit of good parenting, I got up to show him he was doing it all wrong.When I asked him if he wanted me to play Go Fish with him, his eyes grew wide with excitement. After shuffling the cards, however, I realized I did not even remember how to fucking play. Do you work to get pairs?! Do you match numbers or colors?! What do you DO WITH THEM once you have them?! AND HOW MANY DO I PASS OUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!?

Those sea creatures are fucking mocking me, aren't they?

In the end, my husband didn't know either so I googled it. It was a magical moment for both my son and I. And google.

7. To update you about the Invasion of Texas Armadillos, I wanted to share that my husband made a discovery this weekend. He was working in the garage as the sun went down when the nighttime creatures began to emerge. When he walked toward the front door, he noticed something digging up the garden. THE VERY GARDEN OF WHICH WE SPOKE BEFORE! He came inside (without screeching, I might add--he's pretty amazing) to tell me the "good news!" But it immediately ceased being good news until he held out his hands to indicate the size of the lizard. I'm still trying to figure out if this is his method of scaring me out of Texas to make room for an armadillo-loving mistress.

8. I also know you're on the edge of your seats waiting for a potty-training update! Well, your wait is over, friends. T9 is out of diapers and we have no intentions of turning back now. Even though he immediately developed some sort of gastrointestinal virus and I spent many hours disinfecting every living and non-living thing in the house.

::runs to bathroom to wash hands with bleach::

::drinks some for good measure::

9. The Bachelorette is on tonight and it's the first time I'll be sitting down to watch it since my husband came home and I've been forced to share the TV. Oh, and spend time with him. I'm not sure how to convince him that any act to impede my watching of the show will be detrimental to our marriage because OMG IT'S BENTLEY NIGHT, so any tips are greatly appreciated.

Isn't he just lovely?
Oh, and I wrote a post about my obsession with The Bachelorette. To prove that I'm not...obsessed...err...and did you know that West's wife died under somewhat suspicious circumstances?!

10. Plus One has inherited his father's ability to sweat profusely in any room-temperature setting, and the Texas heat has rendered him permanently...wet. After riding his bike for, ohh 15 minutes, he came inside looking as if he'd just bathed. When my husband asked him if he wanted a hair cut, Plus One immediately said yes. And this is a kid who hates haircuts. HATES them.

So now he's sporting his first ever buzz-cut. And since the kid is already the size of a 7 year old (he's 4.5, 98th percentile ::buffs knuckles::), it suddenly feels like I have a middle-schooler living in my house. Do you think this means he can babysit?!

11. The boys recently got new underwear, and have taken to showing them off by yanking down their shorts on a whim and bending over to display the cartoon character plastered across their asses.

My husband and I are working to discourage this behavior by laughing uncontrollably every time it happens.

12. Okay, I don't have a twelve, so I'm resorting to Texas bugs. As in OMG THERE ARE SO VERY MANY and people keep telling me there's worse to come and I don't plan to leave the house after dark ever and if I get stuck away from home as darkness descends, I can only imagine I'll be spending the evening sleeping in my car. (And my husband is still using words like CAMPING! HAHAHAHA!)

::rocks self in corner::


::coyly pushes dirt around with toe::

::washes hands::

::counts list twelve times to confirm it is a list of twelve::

::washes hands::

So, ah...what's new with you guys?