Friday, May 13, 2011

Where Do I Surrender My Mom License?

I have to apologize once again for how quiet it's been around here. I've spent some time writing a few guest posts this week, and I've been trying to tweak things here and there with the new site, and then blogger went down and Ashton Kutcher replaced Charlie Sheen and the world ended in a fireball of doom.


Shit. I cannot lie to you. The truth is that I REALLY came here to share some news with you all.

No, I didn't get a book deal.
No, I'm not pregnant.
No, I haven't killed any of my cats.

No, friends, it's none of those things. It's that my son? My two-and-a-half year old little blue-eyed boy?

(He drank some wine the other day. And then he tried to overdose on lizard medicine.)

::insane laughter mixed with sobbing::

Remember how semi-cute and hilarious it was when he ran through the house of a stranger trying to scalp me with a plastic sword? Well, last night, at another friend's house, he upped his game by powdering himself with Gecco vitamins (omfg) and stealing a forgotten glass of white wine from the dining room table (OMFG).

When I'd glanced over to see how he was progressing with his dessert, he sat there, powdered in white and holding the glass in his wobbling hands. I frantically darted over there, pracically killing their family dog in the process and providing all the impressionable young children with a lesson on profanity. But it was too late.

He was making a "BLECH" sound over and over, and his breath indicated he had good reason to be doing so.

And I'm telling you all this not JUST to undermine my credibility as a parent, but to remind you of  THE CURSE OF THE CHICKEN LEG and also to let you know that I will never joke about my son's misbehavior again because OMFG HE TAKES IT AS A CHALLENGE.

(Or I'll at least wait a while before I share the stories. A mother only has so much to give.)


  1. Hmm. You may have one-upped me. When my lovely daughter was two I planned a trip to Target w/a friend and her two yr. old girl. We were supposed to be picking out holiday gifts, we were supposed to be merry and bright, not lit up like a Christmas tree. See, the hubs had left off hunting early in the ayem ('cause that's what them Texun men do) & forgot to take the Malibu & Coke concoction he'd mixed in what's usually our tea pitcher so after downing the first sippy cup of "tea", he waltzes in and I ask him to refill their cups so I could get us all "loaded" up in the car when he asks, "what tea?" and I'm all, "that tea" whilst pointing to said pitcher, and he was all, "Um that's not tea" I'm surprised that other mom and I are still friends. Maybe that's because her girl didn't really drink much. My baby, on the other hand, already downed hers and was stumbling and giggly. Then, she quickly turned into a mean drunk. :0

  2. No worries, Christine. I've had to call poison control twice in the same week... Happens to the best of us.

  3. My sister's kids ate the Flintstones vitamins. My daughter thought Ex-lax was a chocolate bar and ate it. She also ate the vitamins. I spread cow poop (I can't spell manure?) on my flower bed. Granddaughter #2 came along later and ate a couple of fistfuls. It is upsetting, but it does seem to happen to everyone.

  4. Lemme see. I've got: two-year-old scarfing older sibling's Ritalin (did you know that Ritalin can cause OCD-type behaviour?), multiple almost-strangulations and drownings. I won't go on. My four kids are now aged 14 to 23 - it astonishes me EVERY DAY that they are still alive despite my evidently crappy mothering.

    The "mom license" is NOT because your children never get in trouble. It is for looking at a situation and saying, "Oh FUCKING SHIT!" Bad moms don't recognize shit when it happens. YOU are a good mom. Never doubt it.

  5. "forgotten glass of wine"? What is that, exactly?

  6. Again I'm reminded of the "mind you don't cut yourself, Mortecai" line from Raising Arizona.

    You actually RAN to your child's rescue, instead of pouring yourself another glass of Merlot. You're doing it the RIGHT way. Kids do the darnedest things, just ask Bill Cosby.

  7. Wow, so new to the neighborhood and a second invite. I am thinking they might be looking at you like some kind of biblical hell brought upon them; with a little laughter of course.

  8. You know, I was going to invite you over to my house to welcome your family to DFW, but ummmm...I'm suddenly very very busy. For like, the next two years.

  9. Priceless! Reminds me of something I read on petunia face, when her dad accidentally fed her toddler a pot brownie. :-) At the time, it's frightening and infuriating, but damn, that's gonna make a good story some day. (actually it makes a good story right now)

  10. Ha!

    Drunk and covered in white powder. He could pass as an 80's rocker.

  11. I think it's the pills and booze combo that just kills me dead! I mean, let's be serious. If I saw a sorority sister pulling that shit, I'd tackle her. But a tot? It begs the existential question of "Why me, God?"

  12. Wow, so new to the neighborhood and a second invite. I am thinking they might be looking at you like some kind of biblical hell brought upon them; with a little laughter of course.