Friday, May 20, 2011

Rapture, Paltrow, and Lost Tax Returns (Oh, My!)

I wasn't planning a post for today, but with The Rapture soon upon us, I felt like I should throw SOMETHING down on paper. Even if it's a generic, HEY GOD! I WAS JUST KIDDING WHEN I DID ALL THOSE BAD, BAD THINGS!

I hear that, when The Rapture comes, you're actually taken WITHOUT your clothing. So maybe take care of your, ahem, GROOMING this evening.

I'm pretty sure God has an excellent sense of humor.

Since I wasn't here much this week, here's an update on what the hell I WAS doing:

1. I went to the DMV with my two young boys. (I could probably stop right there, right? I'm sure you see where this is heading.) Now, I thought I was prepared with a bag of candy and some of their favorite games. 10 minutes in, however, I'd already exhausted the sweets supply, and their games were about as appealing as a brussel sprout. By the time we were 45 minutes in, the boys were, getting, well, LOUD. Now, they weren't crying or throwing fits or knocking over old ladies; they were simply being silly! And laughing! Loudly! I was a little nervous that they were annoying people, but I figured it would be worse to try to silence them (no duct tape), so I let it go. Well, fifteen minutes later, I was scolded by some woman behind the counter because my boys were BEING HAPPY TOO LOUDLY. It was at that point that I glared at the Texas woman with every ounce of my New York soul. Then I tried to force T9 to sit on my lap and he immediately started squealing like a pig. From THERE, it was another half hour before I was at the window to get my Texas license. The woman looked at me sweetly before glancing at my son and asking "What's wrong with him?" (OMFG. And no! I didn't murder her!) I maintained restraint well enough until I got yelled at AGAIN when my youngest tried to photobomb another man's license picture. But it wasn't my fault because she made me stick my head in the eye-test machine and I was all, "Umm...you realize this won't end well, right?"

2. Last night, I saw a spider in my backyard that was so big, I thought it was a small frog. This is noteworthy because IT WAS A SPIDER. THAT WAS HUGE. Naturally, since I'm in Texas now, I assumed it was poisonous. And that there were a family of bigger ones hiding nearby. I IMMEDIATELY ran inside and took a shower and peeled off all my skin.

3. Oh! And I wrote some other posts at some other sites!

At MamaPop:
Gwyneth Paltrow is still elitist and annoying!
The whole Schwarzenegger scandal makes me really sad.
and, Jennifer Aniston gets semi-creepy dating advice from her father.

And over at MoxieBird:
I learned that there's a controversy involving Canada, Cancer, and Big Pharmaceutical.
I also learned that it still sucks to live in China. Especially if you need surgery but don't want a tattoo. On your ass.

Come read them, please?

4. I learned that the post office back in New York fucked up our mail forwarding, and no one called or even attempted to let us know. They say our new address "didn't take." Like it was a goddamn organ transplant or something. My husband is now in the process of knocking on the door of our old house because our TAX RETURNS are in that pile of misdelivered mail. Here's to hoping the people have held our mail like kind, compassionate New Yorkers. (I know. I'm guessing they threw that shit out, too.)

UPDATE: There is no mail at the old house. It has simply disappeared. Maybe The Rapture hits the post office first?

5. And as a teaser for next week (if you're heathen enough to be left behind after The Rapture), I'm going to be doing some fun things over at The Mouthy Housewives! I'm also going to have a guest post go up at Aiming Low.

So here's to being Left Behind, right?!

(JUST KIDDING, GOD! ::nervous laughter::)

10 comments:

  1. Our DMV (well, the Canadian equivalent) had a sign posted saying that unsupervised children would be given "espresso and a puppy). Short-tempered people, those DMV folks.

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  2. Will it make you feel better to know you're well ahead of us? We moved to TX in September (also from NY) and still haven't gotten driver's licenses.

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  3. LOL..."nervous laughter". Love it.

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  4. Don't forget to wear clean underwear for the 'rapture' tomorrow...don't want those 'heathens' finding more than they bargained for when they rifle through our clothing piles. But seriously, these crazy people are probably the cause of a lot of needed laughter in the world right now and I'm going to take advantage of it :)

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  5. I wonder how the DMV people expect children to act after they have waited and waited around for their poor mom to get a license? How could she ask what was wrong with him? Stupid. I hate it when people are impatient with children.

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  6. Similar thing happened to us with the mail forwarding, though we did eventually get our stuff (broken).

    As for the DMV bitch, she will come back as a dung beetle.
    http://wynnanne.blogspot.com/2011/05/courtesy-is-very-good-thing.html

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  7. We moved to Tucson from Minnesota. We were there 2 days and my mom screamed "black widow" and killed this spider that had WALKED.OVER.MY.DOG'S.NOSE!! She sprayed it with an entire can of OFF spray.

    Turns out? It was a tarantula, which we were advised to embrace becuase they killed scorpions. Which HIDE.OUT.IN.YOUR.SHOES!

    It was like effing Discovery channel up in there.

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  8. As clarified by Beetlejuice, employees at the DMV are those left behind from the previous rapture, serving out their eternity behind the counter. Was it hot in there?

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  9. We moved to Tucson from Minnesota. We were there 2 days and my mom screamed "black widow" and killed this spider that had WALKED.OVER.MY.DOG'S.NOSE!! She sprayed it with an entire can of OFF spray.

    Turns out? It was a tarantula, which we were advised to embrace becuase they killed scorpions. Which HIDE.OUT.IN.YOUR.SHOES!

    It was like effing Discovery channel up in there.

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  10. Don't forget to wear clean underwear for the 'rapture' tomorrow...don't want those 'heathens' finding more than they bargained for when they rifle through our clothing piles. But seriously, these crazy people are probably the cause of a lot of needed laughter in the world right now and I'm going to take advantage of it :)

    ReplyDelete