HOLY SHIT, OK?! Let me just tell you that the primary lesson I learned during this move is that you should NEVER expect a single motherloving thing to go as planned. NOT A ONE. Take for example, our phone/cable/internet connection. This was something I researched and priced out up in New York, several days before we left. After speaking with two companies (both of which I now HATEWITHALLMYHEART...more on that later), we decided to go with, let's call them AB&C. The man on the phone was SUPER NICE (Hi Brian! Asshole!) and they were gonna give us this crazy package (heh) that included supersonic DVRs and OMG! you can watch TV from your iPhone. And the price was the same as the other company--let's call them RHYMES WITH BARTER--which was offering less.
Being the great! planner! that I am, I scheduled the technicians to install the day after we moved in. Because, I have jobs! And they're online! So, a week passes, we all (barely) survive our Odyssean journey from NY to TX, and Saturday morning is suddenly upon us. When the tech arrives, I great him heartily, and return to unpacking boxes. Then he reappears about five minutes later.
Him: We can't install ma'am.
Me: What's wrong? You need a cable or something? [Frantic. Opening random drawers.] MY HUSBAND HAS LOTS OF SPARE CABLES!
Him: No, you're actually out of our range of service. The signal doesn't reach your house.
Him: *clears throat*
Me: [Reaching for box cutter.] You should probably leave now.
THE FUCK, BRIAN. So, I was sold some line by the sales rep--whom I gave our address to confirm we were WITHIN THEIR RANGE OF SERVICE--just because he wanted some commission and LULZ JUST KIDDING! But there was no time for creating anonymous hate mail. I had to scramble and contact RHYMES WITH BARTER to get an appointment, because time's a-wastin'! Well, SURPRISE. Now I have to wait until Wednesday. Fair enough, I guess. (Not really.) But it keeps going because the next day, they call back and are all WAIT, but you didn't set up the appointment right in order to get the promotion and so now YOU HAVE TO CANCEL AND REORDER AND WAIT AN EXTRA DAY.
I stood there, frozen with disbelief, wondering how such incompetent people can be in charge of such important shit. (Then I remembered *I'm* a mother and just shrugged it off.)
Wednesday comes along, and we're waiting for the phone techs to arrive. (Because there's two different techs! That need to come on two different days! BECAUSE EFFICIENCY IS FOR ASSHOLES!) And instead of calling ahead of time, like they were supposed to do, the guys ring the doorbell while I'm still drinking my morning coffee.
And wearing my pajamas.
(My threadbare pajamas.)
(With the transparent ass region.)
(And you should also know about the striped underwear.)
With no other option, I scurry to the front door and decide I'll just remain behind them at all times to avoid a sexual harassment suit. But then they're all "we need to go to your bedroom for access" and I'm all OMFG HERE COMES THE GODDAMN LAWSUIT. (And do they already know about my transparent ass?!) Then I remember I'm still behind them, and so I just point to the stairs suspiciously. Then they're all AFTER YOU MA'AM and you see where this is going, right?
I decided that if I just scaled the stairs quickly, I'd be going SO FAST that they wouldn't even see me! Like Dash from The Incredibles! Of course, I'm not so fast and stairs kind of wind me, and really I'm pretty sure their view was something similar to watching a bowl of jell-o being driven over a very. bumpy. road.
A bowl of striped jell-o, that is.
(The next day, the cable & Internet guy came. He eyeballed my suspiciously.)