Friday, May 6, 2011

Long Story Short, Texas Has Internet

I'm back online, guys!

HOLY SHIT, OK?! Let me just tell you that the primary lesson I learned during this move is that you should NEVER expect a single motherloving thing to go as planned. NOT A ONE. Take for example, our phone/cable/internet connection. This was something I researched and priced out up in New York, several days before we left. After speaking with two companies (both of which I now HATEWITHALLMYHEART...more on that later), we decided to go with, let's call them AB&C. The man on the phone was SUPER NICE (Hi Brian! Asshole!) and they were gonna give us this crazy package (heh) that included supersonic DVRs and OMG! you can watch TV from your iPhone. And the price was the same as the other company--let's call them RHYMES WITH BARTER--which was offering less.

Being the great! planner! that I am, I scheduled the technicians to install the day after we moved in. Because, I have jobs! And they're online! So, a week passes, we all (barely) survive our Odyssean journey from NY to TX, and Saturday morning is suddenly upon us. When the tech arrives, I great him heartily, and return to unpacking boxes. Then he reappears about five minutes later.

Him: We can't install ma'am.

Me: What's wrong? You need a cable or something? [Frantic. Opening random drawers.] MY HUSBAND HAS LOTS OF SPARE CABLES!

Him: No, you're actually out of our range of service. The signal doesn't reach your house.

Me: *blink*

Him: *clears throat*

Me: [Reaching for box cutter.] You should probably leave now.

THE FUCK, BRIAN. So, I was sold some line by the sales rep--whom I gave our address to confirm we were WITHIN THEIR RANGE OF SERVICE--just because he wanted some commission and LULZ JUST KIDDING! But there was no time for creating anonymous hate mail. I had to scramble and contact RHYMES WITH BARTER to get an appointment, because time's a-wastin'! Well, SURPRISE. Now I have to wait until Wednesday. Fair enough, I guess. (Not really.) But it keeps going because the next day, they call back and are all WAIT, but you didn't set up the appointment right in order to get the promotion and so now YOU HAVE TO CANCEL AND REORDER AND WAIT AN EXTRA DAY.

I stood there, frozen with disbelief, wondering how such incompetent people can be in charge of such important shit. (Then I remembered *I'm* a mother and just shrugged it off.)

Wednesday comes along, and we're waiting for the phone techs to arrive. (Because there's two different techs! That need to come on two different days! BECAUSE EFFICIENCY IS FOR ASSHOLES!) And instead of calling ahead of time, like they were supposed to do, the guys ring the doorbell while I'm still drinking my morning coffee.

And wearing my pajamas.

(My threadbare pajamas.)

(With the transparent ass region.)

(And you should also know about the striped underwear.)

With no other option, I scurry to the front door and decide I'll just remain behind them at all times to avoid a sexual harassment suit. But then they're all "we need to go to your bedroom for access" and I'm all OMFG HERE COMES THE GODDAMN LAWSUIT. (And do they already know about my transparent ass?!) Then I remember I'm still behind them, and so I just point to the stairs suspiciously. Then they're all AFTER YOU MA'AM and you see where this is going, right?

I decided that if I just scaled the stairs quickly, I'd be going SO FAST that they wouldn't even see me! Like Dash from The Incredibles! Of course, I'm not so fast and stairs kind of wind me, and really I'm pretty sure their view was something similar to watching a bowl of jell-o being driven over a very. bumpy. road.

A bowl of striped jell-o, that is.

(The next day, the cable & Internet guy came. He eyeballed my suspiciously.)

The end.

23 comments:

  1. Glad to see you're already making new friends.

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  2. Makes me feel better about running out to the bus this morning with my daughter's library books while wearing my Hello Kitty jammies. While all the kids stared at me. Glad you're back online and bringing the funneh!

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  3. I would say, "Unbelieveable," but I know from experience how true all this is.

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  4. i just had a roofer ring my doorbell and say 'they sent me to check the roof, i just didn't want you to think i was a burglar! hahah!'

    i don't know who 'they' is. i mean, i am selling my house. but no one mentioned a roofer.

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  5. Honey, one trip to any Wal-Mart in TX will have you feeling better about your striped Jell-o arse in no time (or you could always view peopleofwalmart.com)

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  6. I would rather have a tooth pulled than deal with our internet provider. I just got my internet back after almost four days of going back and forth. And yes, I cried.

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  7. Just think of how great your stripes looked compared to whatever toothless or braless and boobs to the knees elders they might've had after you....that is in no way a slam on Texas---I just like to think that Central New York can't be where ALL of the country's finest "hang" out!

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  8. Fear not! AB&C will soon be extending their service range to your area. This will entail walking all over and digging several large holes in your front yard on the rainiest day of the year - turning your yard into something that is fit only for mud-wrestling and exotic spa treatments. After a week of yelling at folks on the phone, they will "fix it", which involves sending over some guy with a pickup truck that will walk around and stomp on various areas of the used-to-be-lawn to "smooth it out".

    Three weeks later you will get a knock on the door by some cheery sales-person offering to switch you over to AB&C for FREE! They will inform you that all they need to do is dig a bit to run a cable from the new box out front to your house, and that this looks like the perfect time to do it since it appears you are already having some work done on the yard.

    Seriously, I speak from experience.

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  9. ROFL!

    We had a similar problem with our cell phone service. I switched from that company that rhymes with "herizon", cause being out in the boonies, we get NO reception whatsoever. The loser at the herizon store wanted to argue with me and pulled up the map on his trusty computer. "See, ma'am, you're in the covered area." Well I tell you what, asshole. Come out to MY house and see if your fancy $500 blackberryIphonethingamabob will work HERE. Don't just look at your friggin computer and insist that I am a liar.

    But I digress.

    I'm glad to hear you managed to get there in one piece (or at least big enough pieces to glue back together!)

    Scratch

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  10. Maybe the "ass review" from the first guy sped up the process, no?

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  11. Isn't it amazing how easy it is to get internet on a plane and yet so hard here on the ground.

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  12. almost all cable companies are the devil. i currently have *ahem* let's call them G North and they have been great. thank God! but the one i had before them was EVIL.

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  13. I knew it, this move will be GREAT for all of us.

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  14. I can relate and sympathise. Moving is a shitty experience. And then you get there. And the shit explodes. I suggest drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

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  15. I didn't even move and I've been repeatedly traumatized and violated by Comcast. Makes me want to go off the grid.

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  16. I'm lovin' the angry energy in this post. I'm a long time hater of the cable/Internet/phone assholes.

    I so doubt you have stripey jell-o ass. I bet they were hot for your stripey ass of steel.

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  17. Because nothing can EVER be easy.....

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  18. The guy from the company from Rhymes With Horizon and I almost threw down. And then he broke my birdbath... I guess we forgot to warn you about those companies.

    Nice about the striped undies! I need to blog about the time the termite guy got a full frontal of me and both my daughters.
    And, yes, I did call the company and tell them never to send that guy to my home again...

    Glad to have you back consistently!

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  19. ROFL!

    We had a similar problem with our cell phone service. I switched from that company that rhymes with "herizon", cause being out in the boonies, we get NO reception whatsoever. The loser at the herizon store wanted to argue with me and pulled up the map on his trusty computer. "See, ma'am, you're in the covered area." Well I tell you what, asshole. Come out to MY house and see if your fancy $500 blackberryIphonethingamabob will work HERE. Don't just look at your friggin computer and insist that I am a liar.

    But I digress.

    I'm glad to hear you managed to get there in one piece (or at least big enough pieces to glue back together!)

    Scratch

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  20. Isn't it amazing how easy it is to get internet on a plane and yet so hard here on the ground.

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