Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Texas or Bust: Part II (Kill Me Now)

I believe that lists will help me to crank out the rest of our whirlwind trip in Fort Worth, you guys. Because lists are stable. And I am not.

(SERENITY NOW.)

Day One

After the plane landed, we stocked up our hotel room before connecting with Husband's friend. As we followed this guy down some back roads to his house (and awaiting dinner), I realized that I kind of wanted to sob.

Remember, of course, that I'd never been to Texas, and I was now getting my first glimpses of the fine state. But these roads? These roads were taking us through a neighborhood of dilapidated houses and abandoned storefronts. There was also a large compound that appeared to be some sort of Mexican dance club, but I think it had been painted by blind children.

Back at the hotel that evening, Husband asked me cheerily, "So, what do you think?!" I burst into tears, mumbling through the sobbing, "I'M...sniffle...I'M...uglycry...I'M DEFINITELY OPTIMISTIC!"

Day Two

The day after we landed, we met with the realtor at about 9:30, and saw houses nonstop until about 1:30. During this first day, I learned that bringing children into a stranger's home can be dangerous. Perils included:

1. Reprogramming their cable box.
2. Rattling their fish tanks.
3. Stepping on their laptops, which have been left on the floor.
4. Running a smooth pattern into their floor after incessant running in circles, accompanied by shrieks proclaiming, "BROTHER'S GONNA GET ME!"
5. Playing with their Rock Band equipment.
6. Trying to steal their toys.
7. Begin eaten by their strange dog.
8. Locking us out of their house.
9. Using their bathrooms.

Ahem.

When all the houses had been seen, we took a drive into the city of Fort Worth so that I might prove to myself that Texas was not simply made up of taco stands and Ford trucks. The city was...small, but I didn't expect much coming from NEW YORK and all. ::buffs knuckles:: It was at this point that Plus One started his mantra: "BUT I DON'T WANNA MOVE TO TEXAS." I alternated between wanting to hold him tightly, and cry us both to sleep and wanting to just stuff him in the trunk.

Out of necessity, I created the Texas! Game! where you gain points for every cow head you see out the window as you drive along. Guys: there's a LOTTA cow heads in Texas.



Before heading back to the hotel, we also had our first DON'T MAKE ME PULL OVER! moment when my eldest BIT my youngest. Hard. We totally pulled over. And it was everything I thought it would be.

Day THREE

This is the day we found the house of our dreams. However it's also the day that we lost Plus One's Teddy and met a metrosexual realtor we refer to as Chad, pronounced Shhaaad, or ASSHOLE. (He's the dude selling us the house of our dreams, and he's kind of into himself. I feel like I really want to post a picture of him here, but since we don't have the house JUST yet, I feel like this would be incredibly stupid. So.)

Our house was one of the last we saw, and it was the first we were head-over-heels for. Husband and I soon decided to put in a solid offer, so we drove back to our realtor's office to do the paperwork. It was during this drive that Plus One said, "BUT WHERE'S TEDDY?!"

You guys, I have no fucking clue where Teddy is, and for all I know, he high-tailed it out of town upon witnessing our wrecking crew tearing up the suburbs of Fort Worth. In the end, however, Plus One is convinced that Teddy is waiting for us in Texas at our new house. And I am convinced we will be buying a replacement Teddy forthwith.


After chasing my two boys around the real estate office (which included simultaneous pooping on their behalf, inspection of a wayward fire extinguisher, and a crashing of the meeting room because I WANNA WATCH BUBBLE GUPPIES!), we collapsed back at our hotel room. Where we got a text at 9pm to say that we had just embarked upon a bidding war.

OMFG.

Day Four

In the morning, we Husband did some more paperwork and then we took a trip to the zoo, because even if they TOO had an escaped cobra, we were all too exhausted and depleted that death sounded like it would be an AWESOME opportunity for a nap. 



I'm really glad we went, because Plus One finally started to get excited about our move. And it gave me the opportunity to acknowledge that Texans wear long sleeves and pants in 80 degree weather.

*gulp*

While we were at the zoo, our realtor called to say that they accepted our offer. But BECAUSE of the bidding war, we had to promise to close on the house an entire month earlier than planned. Which means Husband has had his phone attached to his ear for five days straight. Which means we have to pack our house in exactly two weeks. Which means I'll be working my part-time job and writing gigs in the midst of the move. Which means arranging for appliances to be delivered and utilities turned on. Which means getting last-minute prescriptions and doctor visits and sedatives for the cats.

And for me.

Day Five

We packed up our shit at the hotel and headed back to the PLANE OF DOOM. And to avoid another bathroom debacle, I ended up running from the plane back to the building (as  jet engine drove by) to use the potty before liftoff. Which was smart, despite the whole dodging-planes thing, because there was some fierce turbulence during takeoff. There was also more screaming, of course, but it may or may not have been coming from me.

So. Now we're home. I have two weeks to pack. I've filled exactly three boxes.


But the house! It's great! And it will be worth it! I think!

(SOMEONE HELP ME.)

45 comments:

  1. Oh man. I wish I could help you in some way. If you think of anything I can do for you from the opposite coast, do tell! In the meantime, i'll be keeping my fingers crossed for a safe and hassle-free move.

    That sounds like an oxymoron, I know.

    Good luck!!
    xoxox
    megan

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  2. ugh. yeah. fort worth is yucky. it makes me uncomfortable but the zoo is the best! my parents bought us a puppy for moving to texas. have i said that before? you need a new puppy. :)

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  3. oh.
    wow.
    I don't even know what to say. Except... everything will be great. I'm 97.6% sure of this.

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  4. Stop reading the comments and start packing some more.
    That's my official advice. :)

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  6. Repeat after me.

    No state income tax.
    No state income tax.
    No state income tax.

    Sorry. After six years down there that's about all I got for you.

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  7. no state income tax and taco carts is good.

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  8. Wow - I'm sure the trip was overwhelming, but Ft Worth is a beautiful city, with one of my favorite museums in the entire world - the Kimbell - and something you can't find in NY anymore: A free museum - The Amon Carter. What about the Children’s Museum at the Museum of Science and History? You found the zoo; do know about the botanical gardens? The Main Street Arts Festival, which includes the Fearless Film Festival? I’m sure the kids will enjoy the annual Stock Show and cattle drive – right through downtown. How about the deco architecture at the Will Rodgers Memorial Center? Did you drive through the Rivercrest neighborhood? For heaven’s sake – get online or get a guide book. You’re lucky to be able to live in Ft Worth. And, when you’ve exhausted the tons of things you can do and see in Ft Worth, come out to Denton.

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  9. Definitely wasn't expecting semi-hostile reactions to this post.

    I *am* close to a nervous breakdown. Just so you know. But if you feel compelled to defend your city against some NONEXISTENT threat or insult, you go riiiiight ahead.

    Also: STOP TELLING ME FT WORTH SUCKS. PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

    And here is where I take Deidra's advice! Love you guys! (Most of you!)

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  10. Hire a mover to pack your boxes. Trust me it's awesome!

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  11. Thanks! I feel slightly better about being streesed about goin gto TX myself! But, that doesn't exactly help you....so...
    Ever get tempted to just leave all your crap behind and go crazy at Ikea in a new city?

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  12. "You’re gonna love the Mexicans! They really make great food and watch your kids and clean your house super cheap!"
    Wow.
    Just...WOW.
    ┐(˘˘,)┌

    I hope the move goes better than you expected, hon.
    Welcome to the Lone Star State!

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  13. Look, I don't mean to be the oracle of doom, but:

    Just watch. You're gonna end up pregnant in the next ten minutes or something. Because life is HILARious like that.

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  14. Oh, sweetie. FW doesn't suck, it's all about perspective. Yours is currently skewed because your life is all upside-down-like. And all those dead cow heads can be jarring.

    Just remember that I'm in Austin, which is only an afternoon's drive away, and I'm awesome. Come see me anytime you need an escape. I'll take you out for margaritas and live music and we'll laugh at all the assholes who just don't get the culture shock of moving from NEW YORK to fucking FORT WORTH, TEXAS. HAHAHAAAAAA those guys are such dicks!!!

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  15. P.S. What happened to your hands? It looks like moving has fused your fingers together into mitten-hands.

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  16. Without making ANY comment about Ft. Worth, I am motivated to say that we lived in an number of questionable places during my dad's military career and the good part is that if you don't like it, you'll be excited to move again in two years. At least, we were!

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  17. Oh, what Jett said.

    It won't stop here...I have things to tell you.

    Things to tell you...my family is in San Antonio.

    Buy every kind of SPF 85 sunblock there is and sleep with it on. and??

    Wear sunblock.

    Just do it.

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  18. In my opinion, if you leave a laptop on the floor while your house is on the market, you fully deserve to have a random sprout tap dance on that sucker.

    Congrats on the house. Good luck on the move. Packing in 2 weeks? Sucks to be you. Should make for excellent blog fodder. :)

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  19. Having lived in Fort Worth (loved it), I feel the same way when I go to New York ;-)

    Welcome to Texas. I hope you love it. And you are fucking hilarious. Thanks to GDRPEmpress for tweeting you.

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  20. Don't mind the cow skulls, hon. Those can be an indicator of anything from "Scary Deliverance Folk Residence" to "Delicious BBQ Establishment"

    The Empress ain't playin' about the 85spf, though. Also? From May thru October, just go ahaed and apply your makeup between your boobs. It's gonna end up there anyway.

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  21. I'm glad you found a great house! I've never been to Texas, but if the people there are anything like the people in Nevada, you will make some great friends.

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  22. At least it's warm there. You can send the kids outside without bundling them up under 17 feet of various snow gear (and accidentally lock them out when you feel like having a nervous breakdown ;) )

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  23. Oh honey, don't worry about a thing. Just pack your stuff and relax about the house. No state income tax indeed, also... Texas is beautiful. I've been here for (holy cow... skull) almost 28 years. I am in Dallas and if you need anything. You just let me know. (pet pet pet) It's gonna be fine.

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  24. Thanks dolls! My box count is up to 10. Only eleventy billion to go!

    And for the record: I don't hate Fort Worth!

    Also for the record: If I DO get pregnant, I fully expect child support from one Jett Superior.

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  25. It's nice to see you so happy.

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  26. we've just started packing for our move. not like we've sold our house yet. or put it on the market. or found a new place to live in new york. or found a new job for awesome husband.

    but i'm full of excitedness.

    i was feeling the way you are now before we moved to florida (minus the children. because i just have cats). there are many reasons we're moving back to new york, not all have to do with my hatred of florida (i can't stand the heat, y'all) i am SO GLAD we moved down here. once you get some shit in order, you'll feel better. ALSO, take pills.

    and my vet gave me like 5 pills to sedate ONE cat. we ended up not using any - once we got over the GW bridge, piglet realized we weren't going to the vet and napped most of the way.

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  27. Kristine. I'm on house number 5 in less then 10 years, with 4 kids. I say this not to minimalize your crazy hectic hell, but to tell you this: there isn't a place I've lived that I haven't loved. Even if I wasn't sure at first. I miss them all. Keep faith, momma. And, yes, hire a mover. Credit cards if necessary, because, fuck that packing shit, you've only got a few weeks and you NEED to stock up on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds. At least until the FW love kicks in.

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  28. OK, you'll think I'm stalking you now. This is Amanda that told you about the Feliway and said I moved to Texas last weekend.

    1) If you have the financial means, I totally recommend the packers. We were lucky in that my husband's work paid for them and they were a freaking godsend. However, we probably couldn't have paid that out of pocket right now.

    2) I have found the area of N.Texas we moved into to be absolutely beautiful. I've found the people in Texas to be very kind. I've found the local Walmart to be much less ghetto than my old one, and mama loves that.

    3) I think people should back up off your nuts because it's seriously scary to pack up and move your family to an area you don't know. If you want to announce your fears on your blog and people of the area take it to seriously, they can go read the ilovetexas.com blog. Also, hopefully your friends are being as positive as mine were about my move. They bought me hairspray and stuff as a joke, but they also were excited for me which helps.

    4) Being homesick for friends is extremely hard in front of your kids that need you to be strong. Prepare yourself for that. However, we are finding skype, Facebook, etc. to be awesome in terms of keeping close contact.

    5) Sorry I took up your entire blog with this comment. Maybe I need to spray myself with Feliway and relax.

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  29. I live in Washington state and seriously am sick of the bi-polar weather. Need a babysitter or a couch seat warmer? I will come with you.

    It freaking had sun, rainbow!, rain, snow, hail, sun!, torrential downpour, sun, rain...yesterday here. UGH!

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  30. jeez, whiny AND self-pitying! texas rules, you don't.

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  31. Debra: it's kindness like yours that makes life worth LIVING!

    And to do so anonymously is so noble! I wish I knew where to send flowers, dollface!

    XO!

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  32. WOMAN. Don't judge Texas based on Fort Worth! If you can manage to get away for a bit with the hubby, come to Austin. We don't hang dead animals on the walls.

    ...or do we? Muahahahaha!

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  33. I'm sure it will be fantastic, but it just might be a little rough getting there. I moved to Texas, even the alledgedly fantastic Austin, 11 years ago and I am still a little weirded out by the dead cow heads, the guns and all the Texas pride.

    There are great things though and wonderful popele.

    Packing is the worst. Good luck!

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  34. I'm trying to feel offended at your portrayal of Fort Worth, since I live here and all. But I hated it too when I first moved here.

    It takes some adjusting. Some MAJOR adjusting. But there are some really kick ass things about living here. All of which I will tell you when you get here and become my bestest friend in the whole wide world.

    Unfortunately, you are moving here just in time for the worst time...summer. It's like hell boiling over.

    I'm not doing the best job of selling it to you, am I?

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  35. Oh, god. I've moved so many times and I so feel your pain. The good news is, you'll be half the country closer to me. I'm kidding, of course, I just wanted to show you how I could make anything about me.

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  36. Im a frequent reader of your blog and think its hilarious that you are moving to Fort Worth. Im from there and trust me you are going to LOVE it. The Tex-Mex will change your life, the people are incredibly friendly, and there is tons of fun stuff to do in the DFW area. If there is a certain type of atmosphere you are looking for or place to eat/activities/shopping let me know and I would love to help you out. I grew up there, trust me your kids will thank you someday when they consider themselves devout Texans. Fort Worth people do have a tendency to be snooty though, goodluck with the moms at school...thats going to be a doozy.
    -Erin M.

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  37. Texas sucks so bad. I wish I could tell you it doesn't, but it does. Its only redeeming quality is the original Neiman Marcus in downtown Dallas.

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  38. House of your dreams! Yay!

    In Texas ... um, awesome ... or, uhh ... ?

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  39. I'm amused by how many people feel the need to defend their love/hate of Texas. It's like we are all different people with all different likes and dislikes or something.

    Personally, I am completely ambivalent about Texas. Is that an option?

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  40. Thanks for taking the time to discuss this, I feel strongly about it and love learning more on this topic. If possible, as you gain expertise, would you mind updating your blog with more information? It is extremely helpful for me.

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  41. Thanks for taking the time to discuss this, I feel strongly about it and love learning more on this topic. If possible, as you gain expertise, would you mind updating your blog with more information? It is extremely helpful for me.

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  42. Oh honey, don't worry about a thing. Just pack your stuff and relax about the house. No state income tax indeed, also... Texas is beautiful. I've been here for (holy cow... skull) almost 28 years. I am in Dallas and if you need anything. You just let me know. (pet pet pet) It's gonna be fine.

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  43. Don't mind the cow skulls, hon. Those can be an indicator of anything from "Scary Deliverance Folk Residence" to "Delicious BBQ Establishment"

    The Empress ain't playin' about the 85spf, though. Also? From May thru October, just go ahaed and apply your makeup between your boobs. It's gonna end up there anyway.

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  44. Look, I don't mean to be the oracle of doom, but:

    Just watch. You're gonna end up pregnant in the next ten minutes or something. Because life is HILARious like that.

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  45. ugh. yeah. fort worth is yucky. it makes me uncomfortable but the zoo is the best! my parents bought us a puppy for moving to texas. have i said that before? you need a new puppy. :)

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