Monday, April 4, 2011

Texas Or Bust: Part I

There's a lot to cover about my trip to Texas, guys. So I'm going to start with the PLANE RIDE OF DOOM. As it turns out, my disproportionate and irrational anxiety about flying on this big hunk of metal completely clouded my ability to see another acute problem: flying on an airplane WITH A TODDLER.

Now there are a few things you should know about this plane first. One: it's LOUD. Like, standing-next-to-an-amp-at-a-rock-show loud. Like, ear-protection-required loud. The other thing to keep in mind is that it's a cargo plane. Passengers can be accommodated, but they're not the norm, exactly. So, seats are...stowable! And bathrooms are...mostly just for men! Oh, and windows? There's, like...two? OH! OH! And the moving, inner parts of the airplane? ARE EXPOSED!

OMFG, YES THEY ARE!


Anyway, back to the toddler. The whole morning, the kids were fully excited, and this continued onto the plane, despite the earmuffs and noise. However, the novelty wore off after about, oh, 45 minutes, and the screaming commenced. This screaming? It was sustained. It was irrational. And it was motherfucking loud. Here is where I shouted to my husband, lifting his headphone momentarily to proclaim my joy for this loud plane. At least the other people on board couldn't hear our little...shall we say...rascal!

Anyway, amidst the screaming, there was another pressing concern: my rapidly filling bladder. Now, I knew there was a bathroom on this plane, but there were a few concerns on my plate. Firstly: it was, ah, STOWED. Yes, it's a stowable bathroom! To match the stowable seats! Someone had even hung a backpack off the thing, so even ASKING to use the bathroom would require notification of a crew member that I had to urinate. Then there was the whole issue of having said crew member picturing me IN THE BATHROOM. Then the subsequent panic of him picturing me, picturing him, picturing me, IN THE BATHROOM. On top of it all, there was only a curtain to provide privacy on the matter. Plus the question of WHERE DOES IT GO?! And will my husband's co-workers have to...my god...CLEAN UP MY PEE?!

 
Yeah, so I held that shit like a champion kegel flexer.

At one point, the ride got a little bumpy, so one of the guys got up to tell us to buckle up. They don't have those nifty "Fasten Seatbelts" signs, you see. Anyway, I instantly panicked (natch) because I couldn't figure out how to buckle my friggin' belt. All those years of mocking flight attendants for that little routine, and I'm suddenly shrieking--mid-flight and inaudibly--WHERE'S THE FUCKING STEWARDESS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...I'M UNBUCKLED OVER HERE. I'M! UN! BUCKLED!



My husband looked at me in disbelief before grabbing my belt and securing it. Tightly, I might add. I then mimicked for him to demonstrate how to use the oxygen masks, but he did not see my humor plea for help.

After about four and a half hours (these planes fly slower than commercial airliners), I could feel that we were beginning our descent. Of course, without windows to gauge or progress, I was taken completely off guard when we landed, and may or may not have screamed at the sudden jerking sensation. Reflexively, of course!

Ahem.



So, yes, we survived, and I'm as embarrassed by the experience as I expected to be. So, at least there's that. (Whatever that is.)

*****

So as not to overwhelm you all with incredibly important mundane details of my five-day ordeal, I've decided to break this up into a few posts. So, stay tuned for my next installment, where I tell you about my first impressions of Texas, seeing houses with two destructive children, the loss of my child's Teddy, and a bidding war with an agent named Chad, who I think might be a cast-member of Million Dollar Listing.

__________

Oh, and big thanks to Good Day Regular People blogger, The Empress, for submitting my name to BlogHer for teh funnez last week! I'm in some pretty amazing company there, and was super flattered. If you don't know The Empress, you're missing out on some good writing and good people.

14 comments:

  1. ROFL!

    Glad the "trip" didn't end with you wetting your britches. THAT woulda gone over REAL well with the kiddies ("momma wets her pants, why do I have to learn to use the potty?")

    Aye,
    Scratch

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  2. Holy begeebus, you were not kidding around about that plane! I am an easy flier, but even that would have unnerved me! Glad ya'll made it safe and sound and looking forward to seeing the other parts of your adventure :)

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  3. I starting to rethink that space available flight to Germany...

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  4. i don't relish flying in commercial planes. i'd probably pass out from fear flying in that thing. kudos to you for not wetting yourself as i would have.

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  5. omg. I cannot even believe you flew 4 1/2 hours like that. I would have been freaking out. And I may also have peed my pants.

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  6. Oh, thank you: you are one of the funniest people on the internetz for me.

    I count on the laughs, I do.

    I never would've mentally made it that long on that flight.

    My mind would have played terrible anxiety gone wild scenarios on me.

    Never would've worked.

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  7. I think it would have been great if someone walked over and took a massive dump...

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  8. I think I just peed MY pants laughing!! Maybe not fun for YOU, but totally fun for ME to picture!

    It would have been kinda awesome if you used the restroom and did a lot of grunting and moaning. Just sayin'.

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  9. What did you have to consume to get yourself fired up for the RETURN flight? (and did Depends enter the picture, I wonder...don't answer that!)

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  10. Kind of gives TOUCHDOWN! a whole new meaning eh? Were you able to restrain from kissing the earth upon deplaning? I hope so because, well, the bathroom does get emptied sometime. Welcome back and good luck in the Lone Star state!

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  11. OMFG, that must've been f**king scary like hell

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  12. Did they forget to demonsrate the prachutes too? Knowing me I would have had no problem asking to use the bathroom, I would probably have called a male crewmember a stewardes too while doing it, cause that's just how I roll, what does tha even mean? I would really just have been covering my own embarracement and terror by acting all cocky.

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  13. I have been blogging about flying too, over at the layers. Military flying is the shizzle, no?

    http://alotoflayers.blogspot.com/2011/03/tiny-plane-sledgehammer-and-movie.html

    I am headed to San Antonio next week, so luckily United and Southwest have both decided to have a lot of maintenance issues like instrument loss and that persnickety roof coming off sitch. I might also pee.

    www.alotoflayers.blogspot.com

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  14. ROFL!

    Glad the "trip" didn't end with you wetting your britches. THAT woulda gone over REAL well with the kiddies ("momma wets her pants, why do I have to learn to use the potty?")

    Aye,
    Scratch

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