Thursday, April 14, 2011

Black Market Cat Sedatives

Oh, boy. I'm starting to dread writing these posts anymore because I realize that I haven't much to tell you that doesn't involve packing tape, and, well, more packing tape.

Though, I did bring the cats to the vet the other day and they managed not to shit themselves in car. I mean, the one cat did still manage to get sick, but I won't get into details because...I mean, DOES NO ONE WANT MY CATS?!

This vet's office, though. HOLY CRAP. I normally take the felines to the veterinarian on base because it's cheaper. However, those military types apparently apply their NO NARCOTICS rule to not only the service members but the service member's PETS as well. Because, seriously, when I mentioned wanting to sedate my cat for our long drive, that military vet looked at me like I'd just chopped the foot off a live rabbit right in her friggin' office.

(OMG: I'm just remembering that I had a rabbit's foot as a child. Like a hot pink one. HOW UNSANITARY AND EMOTIONALLY DAMAGING, MOTHER.)

Anyway, I got the name of another local vet from a friend, and decided to take the cats over there. They SAY drugs are easier to get in the suburbs, right? The short answer is, of course, FUCK YES. But the long answer involves a hairless cat, a couple of Cockatiels that sounded like fatally injured, crying newborns, and a 500 pound house-pig that urinates by the bucketload RIGHT IN THE WAITING ROOM. ON A MOTHERFUCKING PIDDLE PAD. (As you may have guessed, the piddle pad was ineffective at absorbing the buckets of urine. And I had to switch seats to avoid the stream. The pig also may or may not be blind. And sleeping on a destroyed doggy bed. And snoring. MY GOD.)

When we got into the acutal exam room, I realized that if this were an actual HUMAN doctor's office, there'd be an unconcious, wayward traveler somewhere in the back, sitting in a tub of ice and missing a kidney.The doctor was frazzled, had no assistant, and screeched shrilly when she saw my cat.


Me: Heheh...yeah, he's a cat alright.

At that point, I heard hissing and thumping at my feet, and noticed a hairless thing trying to attack my other cat through her cat carrier. It was traumatizing for both of us. I had to touch the hairless cat. And it was at this exact moment that the infant-mimicking birds started screeching with fury. It was all very horrifying, I assure you, and I briefly considered darting out the door, hoping the cats could fight their way out along. They still have their claws, right?

In the end, both kitties got a clear bill of health, but I wonder if they didn't pick up a disease in the process. I mean, does she even STERILIZE?! Are you supposed to with animals? ::shudder::

Most importantly, we got some sedatives. Here's to hoping they help us all survive the trip.


PS: Last night, I got a text from my husband. It was a message from our realtor that he'd forwarded:

"Just got a phone call...the found THE bear!!!!!!"

I was so happy, I forgave the excessive use of exclamation point.


PS: I'm being featured over at The Mouthy Housewives today! Go read my little gem of thoughtful, considerate, and compassionate advice.


  1. You found the bear! Awesome!

    That said... a pig in the waiting room?? Are you sure you weren't at the vet up the street from my house?? The one here has a movable corral for the larger animals outside. Yee haw.

    Still, I'm glad you managed to find the meds for the critters. There is nothing worse than a spazzed-out animal trying to move cross country with you.

    Just don't get confused and take them, yourself. You may start coughing up hairballs.

    I'm just sayin'.


  2. Great story! I love going to the vet. He looks at me like I'm an abuser if my dog has a mat in her fur.
    I'm also glad you found the bear. Great news.

  3. I personally support the vets...well not personally, i mean my animals seems to be suicidal and they're constantly on the verge of death and saving them is quite costly.

    Still, my kids seem to cost more.

    Congrats on the bear...we once lost Pooh at the Philly Airport. Of course, being that it was so unique, we quickly found it.

  4. CanNOT believe you found the bear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Off to Mouthy Housewives. I"m sure you kick butt there.

  5. You found THE BEAR! How amazing is that? So happy for you. Also, we sedated our cat. It was a very good thing. I considered trying the stuff myself, since she seemed to be having so much fun (watching a stoned cat try to walk is really entertaining), but I figured I'd have to take the whole fricking bottle, and then there wouldn't be enough left to sedate her. So, yeah. I just had fun watching the cat.

  6. Congrats on your feature and on THE bear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. But OMG, a rabbit's foot. Please world, do not let that trend come back. Ever. I CAN'T AFFORD THE THERAPY.

  8. Finding the bear is maybe saying good things about Texas, right?

    And that 500 pound pig I know how to fix his lak of house training - can you say Barbecue? Oh man - ribs, pulled pork, bacon, loin chops - I could be busy for a whole weekend getting that porker fit for eating. And no more piddle pads!!

  9. So, so thrilled they found the bear!

  10. You might want to keep any leftover packing tape for your next vet visit. Keeps the car clean, guaranteed.

  11. Are you sure it's ok to give a pregnant cat sedatives? What? He's not pregnant?!

  12. "a hairless cat, a couple of Cockatiels that sounded like fatally injured, crying newborns, and a 500 pound house-pig" Ahhhh... you're reminding me of college again.