Monday, March 21, 2011

It Gets Better, Gaddhafi!

Man,  if there was ever a bad time to be a murderous, insane dictator with bad fashion sense. I mean, AMIRITE?! If only Caligula were still around to commiserate.



BUT! He's not! So, I offer the following to help Muammar through his final days. Just remember:

1. There's news circulating that we've cut our national news radio program in order to bombard your anti-aircraft installations. So. DUDE. At least you won't get an earful of MEE-SHELL Norris enunciating her silly name anymore. THAT WOMAN! If *that's* not a consolation prize, I don't know what is!

2.  I'm pretty sure they'll be asking Sarah Palin to comment on your situation soon. Americans tend to pool their hatred disproportionately against this gal, so if you just get yourself a cool pair of glasses and know the general geography of this planet, you can win back the love and respect of the American people!

3. At least you're not the ruler of Yemen! Well...wait...

4. You can always take up writing pen-pal letters to young children. Again. (Dude, were you hittin' the bottle as you wrote that?! You SILLY BASTARD, you.)

5. I know you're probably thinking to yourself: Dubya Tee EFF, Obama?! I thought we were cool! WELL. It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself, Gaddhafi, and time start patching up this relationship. In fact, here's an insider tip: I hear Obama likes Tina Turner. I can totally see you singing a little "I Don't Wanna Fight" and winning him over like WHAT.

Or maybe some Hall and Oates?

     Baby, come back! You can blame it all on me! I was wrong...and I just can't live without you!

(Anyway, just an idea...)

6. Or maybe you want to just move on from this friendship. Perfectly understandable. In fact, I've got two words for you : Project. Runway. If anyone can help you make this shit work, it's Tim Gunn. (And when I say "shit", I mean your utter decimation of innocent civilians. And your fondness for prints and patterns.)

7. WAIT! Two MORE words: Extreme Makeover (Home Edition). (Okay, so FOUR...let's not nit-pick.) Ty Pennington will whip you up a new palace in like three days. Sure the foundation will still be wet, but your dream of becoming an astronaut can be realized in a themed bedroom with glow-in-the-dark stars!

8. Actually, I'm starting to realize that you could really blow up this Reality Show market. Celebrity Apprentice? Shit, dude. You think Trump would fire you with that hat? Survivor? (I mean, c'mon.) Dancing with the Stars? I could see it, is all I'm saying. Just let the rhythm move you, son.

9. But if you're not ready to be thrust into the limelight after such a traumatic break-up, at least take comfort in the fact that Obama has said that he's not targeting you. In other words, it's not YOU, Gaddhafi! It's just the fact that you're insane and killing lots of people in a brutal and sociopathic manner!  And if Obama's known for anything, he's known for keeping his word! I mean, well...mostly--.  At least his *intentions* are good. And even if he DOES catch you, at least Guantanamo is close dow--. Err, you've got some good hiding spots, right?

10. There's always Charlie Sheen to turn to for help. And for goddesses. And to stock up on your tiger blood.

xo
K

20 comments:

  1. Having just seen Celebrity Apprentice for the first time this weekend (where have I been?), I think I can safely say that Gaddafi wouldn't stand a chance against Star Jones and Dionne Warwick. Those women would eat him for breakfast for sure. Problem solved. Why can't the govt figure this stuff out?

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  2. Loved! Thanks for the laugh on this first day of spring where it is SLEETING in PA. Not that I'm bitter or anything...

    Consumed: My Culinary Adventure

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  3. He'd be good on Top Chef. Even if just as a guest judge. I'd love to see that.

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  4. I think you need your own advice show like Dr. Phil except for megalomaniac world leaders.

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  5. Wow — the death of NPR suddenly makes sense.

    The more you know... (rainbow)

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  6. This pleases me. You are incredible.

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  7. I don't know how much coffee you had to drink to be firing on all the brain power like this post here, but please let me know.

    I've got all the time today to drink what I need to...

    This was hilarious. HILARIOUS.

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  8. Where can I get me some shiny human leather wear? I think Project Runway would be perfect.

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  9. I spit my coke zero.....He has more in common with Charlie Sheen than we all think! The goddesses and the hot nurse that MG takes everywhere with him would be fast friends!

    You're hysterical!

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  10. This post was chock full of awesome.

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  11. Tiger blood cures everything.

    Well, except for coke addiction.

    And an afinity for whores.

    But everything else.

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  12. The Caligula reference is pure gold.

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  13. I think Hitler's crew had the crap-covered-in-leather-made-from-tanned-human-hides bit going, so it's nothing new.

    I like the "we're not going after Gaddafi but just happen to be bombing places where he might be hiding" angle the US is taking. Oh, and launching the airstrike from another country. GENIUS, Obama!

    Aye,
    Scratch

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  14. When I was in high school we had a Gaddhafi dart board in the set shop (drama geek, guilty!). That was in HIGH SCHOOL. How is this guy still rockin' the runway?

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  15. That was great, I would pay cold hard cash to see him on celebrity apprentice!! Although if a whole county can't fire him now, not so sure how Trump would do it.

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  16. How are you not a cabinet member? Or part of the UN? I think this advice would be very helpful.

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  17. That was great, I would pay cold hard cash to see him on celebrity apprentice!! Although if a whole county can't fire him now, not so sure how Trump would do it.

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  18. Having just seen Celebrity Apprentice for the first time this weekend (where have I been?), I think I can safely say that Gaddafi wouldn't stand a chance against Star Jones and Dionne Warwick. Those women would eat him for breakfast for sure. Problem solved. Why can't the govt figure this stuff out?

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  19. This post was chock full of awesome.

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  20. I think you need your own advice show like Dr. Phil except for megalomaniac world leaders.

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