Thursday, March 24, 2011

I Think He Got His Degree In Guatemala

Okay, so after last week's post delineating my anxiety about next week's flight, I've done a lot of deep breathing. And soul searching. And drugs. (THE LEGAL KIND, silly! Ahem.) I even had a meeting with my psychiatrist a few days ago and decided it might be a good idea to mention this, oh, I dunno, acute fascination with my own death and the deaths of those I love.


He started with the usual questions about my mood, appetite, and sex drive (awk-ward!). I, on the other hand, sat there and continued my ongoing visual explication of his face, ultimately concluding that yes, HE IS STILL THE DOPPELGANGER OF ED ROONEY.

(Which makes those sex questions even MORE awkward.)

Anyway, we he got around to my anxiety levels, I tried my best to answer honestly. You see, I always feel weird about visiting my psychiatrist (as opposed to my therapist) because it's really just the SAME OLD SHIT until he hands me over some drugs. Like, just some formal pleasantries until I break down and say, DUDE. LEVEL WITH ME. ARE YOU HOLDING?! Then he gets that wry smile and writes me out a script. And sure, I've thought abut mentioning this to the guy, about how the whole dynamic makes me feel uncomfortable and kind of like a crackwhore, but I'm sure he'd be all, Well that's interesting. Care to EXPLORE these feelings, Kristine?!


In the end, I pushed this all out of my mind and pretty much told him that my anxiety is the same as usual, but took the opportunity to clarify my definition of USUAL. I worked my way through the following list:

1. Fear of being stabbed/killed/generally TERRIFIED every time I take a shower. [And OH GOD, yes--I totally mentioned ME in the SHOWER. At which point I started picturing HIM picturing ME. IN THE SHOWER. Then I began to wonder if he was picturing me picturing him picturing me?!]


2. Fear of ghosts thinking it's cool to chat with me, thereby appearing and scaring me to the point that I resemble that girl in the closet from The Ring. (FYI, ghosts: NOT COOL.)

3. The general understanding that bridges are SUPER HIGH and if you drive over them, YOU MIGHT FALL DOWN.

4. Car crashes.
Car crashes.

5. Oh, and the upcoming flight. The flight that will carry us to our destination, as an entire family, at an altitude of A GAJILLION FEET. Ahem.

After hearing my rambling descriptions and confessions, his response was, was...interesting. Though I'm not so sure it helped my tendency to deteriorate into a blubbering pile of OHMYGODWE'REALLGONNADIE.

Me: So, that's...pretty much it. Nothing new, of course, but I figured I'd mention it since the thoughts are so...well, CONSTANT. Heh. [Scratches neck.]

Him: Well... [Bites pen.] What you're describing isn't psychotic...

Me: It's not?

Him: Well, I mean, you don't think you're going to turn into an alien or something like that...I mean, do you?

Me: HAHAHA! An ALIEN! How silly! [Quietly.] Ah...not lately, no.

Him: Right. [Glances at chart.] I mean, getting murdered in the shower might be unlikely...but it's not something that couldn't happen.

Me: Ehh...well, yes...and see therein lies the proble---

Him: And take me for example! I mean, you know rationally that planes are statistically the safest way to travel. And yet, we just came back from a trip a few months ago...[Takes off glasses and rubs eyes. Stares at specks before placing them back on his face.] ...and I mean, even I got nervous! [Laughter.]

Me: Heh...heheh...

Him: 'Cuz if something happens in that fuselage, I mean...THAT'S IT, ya know?! [More. Fucking. Laughter.] Not much you can do at that point!


Him: [Ignoring my sudden panic.] So, anyway...well, I think your meds are lookin' good, then. Make another appointment for...two months...right before you move?

Related: are you supposed to buy your therapist/doctor a gift when you part ways amicably? I'm thinking of making him a picture frame with some of my leftover pills. Bonded with my salty tears and the glue that is no longer HOLDING ME TOGETHER.



  1. Oh dear!! Well it's like a friend of mine says, somebody has to graduate bottom of the class. I think he may be it. Sorry you didn't get anything to help you through your flight. If you didn't have to take care of children, I would suggest a flask of vodka.

  2. I want your psychiatrist. The one for my kids is so NOT this much fun! Plus, he is always asking me what I think they should be taking and how much. WTF am I paying HIM?! Sheesh!

  3. I can totally understand where you are coming from. May I suggest that you the hair you have been pulling out by the roots when under stress. It will add a nice personal touch to the frame.

  4. Haha, hecka funny.

    And, yes, it would be awkward telling all my secrets to Ferris Bueller's principal. He's kind of mean.

    ...yeah, on second thought, do give him the pill frame.

  5. I have never really cared for any psychiatrists I've ever seen. They all seem to lack social skills. I always wished my therapists could just write my scripts so I didn't have to go to the other appointments.

    Random Ramblings of an Agnostic Mom
    Shut Up and Eat Your Food!

  6. Haha, sounds like the best parting gift if you ask me! I hope your trip goes way smoother than you are expecting. And if it doesn't I give you full permission to snort the pills....whole :)

  7. Sounds like he was trying to get a repeat customer with that little bit of personal info about his own fear of flying... what a jerk.

    Take a V before takeoff, and hope someone kind will help you locate your luggage at the other end. Piece of cake. Flying's the easy part... getting to and from airports is the scary shit!

  8. I understand. I also have the bridge fear. It sucks. And I fear heavy furniture falling on me. And crowded spaces. Flying makes me very nervous, but it's a necessity. I wish I had some advice, but the best I can do is commiserate. Eeeewwww, Ed Rooney....

  9. Ahem.

    You ever stood on a beautiful, scenic mountaintop and seen, in perfect mind-blowing clarity, yourself tumbling head over heels down the side? Yup. Me too.

  10. Funny! Well written. But, hope you ARE holding it together :)

  11. You can't really give your shrink the old "it's not you, it's me" speach because he already knows it's you. That's why you are there in the first place.

  12. Thats the nice thing about planes. They are guaranteed to carry you to your final destination.

    Or as my mom used to say about flying, "They say 'You areb't gonna go unless it's your time to go', but I'm more worried that it will be the pilots time to go."

  13. I can't stop picturing you in the shower and now your therapist is entering the shower stall with you!

    Yes, definitely get him a gift. Maybe just laminate my comment and hand it to him. In the shower.

  14. I see your death obsession and raise you My Entire Stand-up Act Is About Everyone Dying.

  15. I loved ::hives:: because I could totally picture those nervous red blotches.

    So funny.


  16. psychiatrist and therapist are ine and the same. I've been seeing him weekly for 22 years. My husband wants to sue him cuz he thinks I'm getting worse. Naahhhh! I'm just nuts! So are you...anybody who has those thoughts has been in my brain.

    I don't remember you in my brain though. Have we met?

  17. This was really funny - as always. But you should go read HIS blog. He was pretty funny in Beetlejuice too.

  18. Okay, quick! Pop quiz! You open the shower door & there's a zombie on the other side. Standing in the shower, what can you use to defend yourself from being horribly eaten alive? You have about 3 seconds to decide. Go!

  19. "This is your pilot speaking.... The onflight movie this evening will be the classic film Psycho."

    Just let your therapist keep your file. He probably won't share it with anyone. XD

  20. I loved my therapist's thoughts on being anxious on an airplane.

    Him: What's your fear about flying?
    Me: I can't get off the plane if I want to.
    Him: Well you COULD, it just isn't really advisable.

    I love that man.

  21. So, getting murdered in the shower *could* happen. Great. Thanks a lot, Ed. What a jerk.

  22. yeah, i already had a thing about flying. and then i started watching LOST. really smooth move, idiot. so now i have a fear of flying AND a fear of the dharma initiative taking my family away. eff me. by the way, i'm the same amelie522 that's on instagram. so now i'm stalking you here AND there!

  23. It's scaring me how similar our irrational fears are, because omg the ghost thing? I'm totally waiting for that to happen to me.

  24. Hey, Kristine, does your therapist do EMDR? (Google it.) It doesn't work for everyone, but it did for me. I still don't love to drive or fly, but at least I don't spend the whole time imagining how suddenly everything could go, well, sideways. And when it does work, it can do so quite quickly. (Like, same day.)

  25. obsessive thoughts. they totes suck. he asked if you thought you were an alien because people who are ACTUALLY crazy or psychotic have thoughts like that. there's a different between irrational thoughts and actually being crazy.

    so you're not like CRAZY crazy. but you're still crazy. ALSO. take anxiety meds before flying. or dramamine so you sleep through it.

  26. I thought I commented on this before, but it disappeared, I think.

    You do know that Ed Rooney is a registered sex offender and convicted child pornography enthusiast, right?

    I mean, not Ed Rooney, but the guy who played him. 4 reelz. So, he's probably not picturing your shower junk.

    Anyway, so ... this ghost thing. Does it actually happen to you or are you afraid it could happen? Because I am totally fucking afraid of getting "the gift." I know it's probably irrational, but the idea makes me want to curl up under my covers and never come out. Did you see Sixth Sense? THAT SHIT IS FUCKED up.

    Don't even get me started on Medium.

  27. So the question is— would you have felt better if he had said— Your CRAZY! Nothing's gonna happen to you on that plane!

    Incidentally, flying doesn't scare me in the least. Which is most definitely going to be the reason that it does me in.

  28. Look what uncle Ed... so funny :-)

  29. I have been meaning to come on over after seeing you on several blog rolls of those I, read.

    As one who just showered alone in the house with the door locked AND with the curtain slightly ajar, I am totally feelin' ya DAWG.

    I have flown all over the place and no longer feel anxiety about crashing. More like once the door closes, I am either f*cked..or not. I'll know when I get there. ALways picture Special Agent and the sweet baboos briefly in case I go all Challenger shuttle.

    I just wrote a post about my first solo flight and its worth your time, promise. I didn't die, obviously.
    The Onion

  30. So the question is— would you have felt better if he had said— Your CRAZY! Nothing's gonna happen to you on that plane!

    Incidentally, flying doesn't scare me in the least. Which is most definitely going to be the reason that it does me in.

  31. I can't stop picturing you in the shower and now your therapist is entering the shower stall with you!

    Yes, definitely get him a gift. Maybe just laminate my comment and hand it to him. In the shower.