Tuesday, February 1, 2011

There's Something I Have to Tell You

Actually, it's several things. I've organized it into a nice OCD list for you. 

1. Last Thursday I painted my nails pink. With SPARKLES. I kind of look like a disco ball if you close your eyes.  (Though if you ask Husband, he'll tell you that maybe I just look like I'm trying to be 16. WHATEVER. HE DIDN'T CLOSE HIS EYES.)

2. Yesterday I was at Target looking at all the Valentine's chocolate I'd beg my husband to buy me when I stumbled upon a miniature unicorn. A miniature UNICORN, guys.  Naturally, I decided I wanted it. NEEDED it.  But COME ON, KRISTINE, you're a grown-ass woman, and a UNICORN?! So, there was only one way to address this problem, and it needed to be direct and brutally honest.  So I asked my mother to buy me a miniature unicorn. AND SHE DID.

Cut to this morning when I remember about my mini-corn and start into a full panic when I realize it's missing and OHMYGOD I THINK I THREW THE BAG AWAY. After securing the children with a television, I went outside and eyeballed the garbage can that was rapidly covering with snow. I hear the first 48 hours after something goes missing are the most crucial so I flapped that lid open dramatically. Then I glanced furtively up and down the street for onlooking neighbors, quieting the clapping lid with my hands.  That bitch was loud.

Just as I reached in to grab yesterday's trash, I heard the scrape and splatter of the plow guy barreling up the road. I dashed back into the garage for cover, standing flush against the garage wall to blend with the elements. It was in this moment that I had a realization. I, Kristine, was standing in the garage, the smell of garbage on my hands, the wet of snow on my pajamas, and the suspicious head-shaking stares of neighbors on my soul. What's wrong with me?!  Becauase--LIGHTBULB!--MINICORN WAS IN THE BASKET ON THE KITCHEN ISLAND! Wa-HOO!

When I got inside and stroked it lovingly, Plus One immediately spotted my treasure and came scurrying my way.  He was all, "Is that for Baby?"  I stood there in the kitchen, looking like the deranged garbage-lady I am, and stared him down until he retreated to his bedroom. A unicorn! For baby?! KIDS, man!

3. (I have a toenail fungus.)

4. Remember when I awkwardly told you about those awards over at Studio 30 +? Well, despite the fact that I was so anxious about the nomination that I completely dropped the campaign ball, I WON!  TAH-DAH!



That's right, guys! I'm...Most....Interesting...Blogger!  HaHA! INTERESTING! That's...I mean, that's a compliment, right? Because, I gotta tell you, I'm having flashbacks of that time I told my therapist I sometimes eat my own hair.

5. (I mean, MY FRIEND has a toenail fungus. And stop dry heaving at your screen already because HELLO STIGMA! I AM NOT A DIRTY GIRL! I mean, you know, I DON'T HAVE DIRTY FRIENDS! And really, we've gotta get a campaign going or maybe a Twibbon or Facebook movement, because the false advertising out there aimed at these sufferers of the spores! FungiCare? The stuff the INTERNET says will take away all your embarrassing, flaky problems? That shit has a picture of a moldy toenail on the front (HI, NOT WHAT TOE FUNGUS LOOKS LIKE, ASSHOLE), and then when you buy it and bring it home the fine print is all, DOES NOT WORK ON NAILS. Plus there's the part where you ask the pharmacist if they carry the stuff and they have to forcibly hold down their lunch. Dicks.

Come to think of it, I'm feeling mildly inspired.  My quest might be to get Kelsey Grammar to do a fungus PSA. I hear he's parted ways with the IBS people.)

6. I also won an award from the charming Didactic Pirate the other day. But this was before he knew about the fungus. Of my friend. Don't be an INDIAN GIV--- um, I mean, don't take it back?

 7. Speaking of Native Americans! My son sat with his legs crossed yesterday and told me, "Look Mom, I'm sitting pigeon legs!" And I was like, "I think that means you need to see a doctor or something, my child."  Then I walked over and looked and realized he was sitting INDIAN STYLE, except that it's been 30-ish years since I learned how to do that and they've up and changed the name. I came THIS CLOSE to blurting it out to my son who probably would've been stoned by his preschool class had he taught them how to be racist. Then he broke me out of my reverie because I SAID PRETZEL LEGS, MOM.

"Oh. Well that makes more sense. I'll cancel that doctor's appointment."

8. MY GOD, have you seen this commercial?



So, ahem, I think that's it.

We're still cool, right?

(Maybe don't answer that.)

41 comments:

  1. Congrats on the wins! Of course we're still cool. Even if your friend has a gross fungus & all.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Congratulations on your awards. They are well deserved. I might suggest going with Sam Elliot as the voice over artist... Much better pipes.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Congratulations! Good stuff! But... Pigeon Legs? Really?

    ReplyDelete
  4. congrats :)

    ALSO: i need a mini-corn. heading to target to try and find one. hopefully it's not like a limited edition or local special. damn it.

    DAMN IT.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love that you wrote toenail fungus in parenthesis. It made it much quieter out here in bloggyland. And congrats on the award, whohoo! Glad you found the unicorn, wanted posters around the neighborhood would have been necessary, but embarrassing :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Congrats on your win! You are interesting. In an interesting way. Just like that commercial is interesting. I'm kidding! (And I'm sure you are not a dirty girl and neither is your friend. My kids currently have some weird scalp fungus and we are NOT dirty either! Blek!)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Congrats on your award!

    I have seen the commercial and I was like... seriously? Then I realize that blow outs really were an issue with us.

    ReplyDelete
  8. It's criss cross applesauce-- what kind of ghetto inner city preschool do you have your kid enrolled in? Geez.
    That commercial is hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I can remember when the change was made. All of a sudden, people were telling me "don't say INDIAN STYLE" it's OFFENSIVE. Say you are sitting CROSS LEGGED. And it was confusing to the little children who had been sitting indian style for years. It's still confusing, and I'm 27 years old!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Toenail fungus...take care of it immediately...or you will have ugly toenails on one foot and always have to paint them or you will be shamed in the summer.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Congratulations!!
    When I read your blog, I have no trouble imagining that you are exactly what I will be when I have children.... except that you write better!

    Keep up the good work!

    ReplyDelete
  12. toe nail fungus is a bitch. tell "your friend" to try wiping tea tree oil on it a couple times a day. supposedly it works awesomely. over like, a year. so I got about 49 weeks left to know for sure. but it isn't as nasty smelling as the prescribed-by-the-doctor-and-gotten-from-the-pharmacy crap that didn't do jack shit for the 6 months I tried it.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Congratulations on your awards and I'm glad you were able to locate your mini-corn.
    http://www.ashafullife.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  14. Um, can we like, be friends?
    Let's remember the scene in Peter Pan where the Lost Boys pretend they are India-- Native Americans, by hooting and covering their mouths.. I did that not that long ago.
    Hello, my name is Alex, and I like making Native Noises.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Don't get me started on that commercial. Too disturbing! I couldn't even blog about it. It just makes my dry heave.

    ReplyDelete
  16. WE CAN'T SAY indian STYLE ANY MORE? WTF

    ReplyDelete
  17. I love reading your blog. Well deserved award for sure. And who knew I could get such good tonail fungus information. You know, in case I ever needed it. Which is for sure not right now. At all.

    And at my school we say sit criss cross. Bc pretzel legs would just make me hungry.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Congrats on your FRIEND'S fungus. I mean, your FRIEND'S award! I mean, your FUNGUS AWARD!

    I have to stop drinking in the afternoon.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I just found your blog today on the Studio 30 awards and I am definitely going to be back for more! (...only if you promise not to tell anyone over there that I read the blog and I'm only 28. *gasp*). Our secret, right? Congrats on your award!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Congrats on your win! (The Studio 30 one, that is. I mean, the one from me is totally a way bigger honor, of course, and the one you've secretly been dreaming of.. but I guess that Studio 30 one is pretty cool too, since it's the result of voting and stuff.)

    I'm picturing you upside in a trashcan right now, frantically digging your way down to find a tiny unicorn. Aww.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh. My. God. The escapade with the mini-unicorn, trashcan and snowplow seriously made me laugh. Sounds like something that would happen to me.

    Especially the part where all of a sudden you remember that it's in the kitchen in a nice safe basket.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Yeah I was trying to figure out how pigeons could possibly sit like that. Pretzel makes a lot more sense.

    ReplyDelete
  23. congratulations on your awards!!! you're awesome, would just like to tell you how i enjoy reading your blog. you make my day!!

    ReplyDelete
  24. OMGosh you are crazy hilarious...and totally adhd...but I love it. I've had to be crazy garbage lady before too...for a darn receipt...for a game that I bought that was wrong!!!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I applaud you. People don't talk about fungus enough these days.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Contra on the win and fungus isn't that bad. Think of it as a symbiotic relationship!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Congrats on the win and fungus isn't that bad. Just think of it as a symbiotic relationship!

    ReplyDelete
  28. my friend had to go to the podiatrist and get serious medications to get rid of my fungus. er, my FRIEND'S fungus. yeah. that.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Congrats on the win! I won too, but I'm not making such a big deal out of it because I'm humble and don't have a toenail fungus.

    Just kidding, I'm totally making a big deal out of it. I kept telling the husband what to do and when he would get pissed I would yell "Stifle! I am the 2011 Favorite Female Blogger, bitch!".

    I was not kidding about the toenail fungus. Sorry to hear about your "friend's" problem.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Eating your own hair is....interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  31. But wait ... your list doesn't have 12 items.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Sweet! I LOVE lists! And um, huh huh, that video said "heavy dooty." Huh huh.

    Congrats on the award - you totally deserve it :-)

    ReplyDelete
  33. I love Kelsey Grammer. Especially as Sideshow Bob. And do you eat the mini-corn? Like, is it chocolate? Or is it just a statue?

    ReplyDelete
  34. Your friend can short circuit the whole fungus treatment cycle by getting your (their) toenails pulled now & let them regrow.

    Kidding. Use the cream. Be dedicated. It worked for my friend. ;o)

    Congrats on the award too. Totally justified!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Goggle "Dr. G's Clear Nail" That stuff worked for me. But you have to use it like 2x a day till the nail grows out.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Congrats!! I thought I was the only one to get home, get distracted and throw away stuff that I just bought, and then search the dirty garbage for it...wow

    I cannot say how much your blogs cheer me up! thx!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Congrats!! I thought I was the only one to get home, get distracted and throw away stuff that I just bought, and then search the dirty garbage for it...wow

    I cannot say how much your blogs cheer me up! thx!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Congrats on the win! I won too, but I'm not making such a big deal out of it because I'm humble and don't have a toenail fungus.

    Just kidding, I'm totally making a big deal out of it. I kept telling the husband what to do and when he would get pissed I would yell "Stifle! I am the 2011 Favorite Female Blogger, bitch!".

    I was not kidding about the toenail fungus. Sorry to hear about your "friend's" problem.

    ReplyDelete
  39. congratulations on your awards!!! you're awesome, would just like to tell you how i enjoy reading your blog. you make my day!!

    ReplyDelete
  40. I just found your blog today on the Studio 30 awards and I am definitely going to be back for more! (...only if you promise not to tell anyone over there that I read the blog and I'm only 28. *gasp*). Our secret, right? Congrats on your award!

    ReplyDelete