Friday, February 25, 2011

Sometimes I Need a Revelation

I remember my mom being a bit of a fashionable woman when I was younger. She had the funky dresses in typical 80s patterns, abstractly shaped earrings to match every color sweater she owned, and--of course--shoulder pads. Guys, she even had EXTRA shoulder pads so that she could velcro them into shirts that were lacking shoulder pads. Or maybe even to double up on the shoulder pads that were too flat!  

Dear god.

::quickly putting it out of my mind::

The problem isn't that she had a thing for shoulder pads in the 80s, because, c'mon, at least she wasn't wearing hot pink spandex leggings. (Like I was.) (In like 4th grade.) (THEY WERE MY FAVORITE PANTS EVER.) The issue arose when we had progressed into like the late 1990's and I'd spot her in her bedroom, padding up the shoulders of her sports coat before heading out in public.

Me: Mom. What are you doing?

Her: [Guiltily.] But these aren't even that puffy!

Me: Mom. Give me the shoulder pads.

Her: [Look of horror crosses her face before it rests in resignation] FINE. [Tosses them at my head.]

And that day, I swore I'd never turn into my shoulder-pad-loving mother.  Nothing good can come of a woman who is holding on to the past. Especially if the past consists of shoulder pads.

And yet, despite my resolution, I seem to have started slipping down this slope myself. The other day, after lathering my locks with Extra! Volume! shampoo and blow-drying my mop upside down for maximum body, I stood upright to find my husband looking at my head with a cocked eyebrow.

Me: What?!

Him: [Walking toward me, pats down my hair with both hands.] Your hair. It's...poofy.

Me: [Slapping his hands away indignantly.] YOU'RE MAKING IT GO FLAT!

Him: Wife. Flat? Flat is a good thing here.

Me: What? So, you want me to wear my hair like THIS?! [brushing my hair angrily]


Him: [Confused.] Well, yeah? Is this supposed to look bad?!

Me: YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE. [Fixing hair furiously.]


Him: [Stunned silence.] 

Me: THIS! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK GOOD!


Him: THAT is supposed to look good?


Me: It isn't supposed to look good, IT JUST LOOKS GOOD. Notice my lips? FULLER. And my figure? MORE SLENDER. And let's not even talk about my cheekbones. I'm practically a supermodel when my hair is full, husband.

Him: No, you're practically Snooki, wife.

Me: SNOOKI?! You don't even know who Snooki IS!

Him: Well, clearly you do.

Me: [Tosses hairspray at his head.]

Him: [Hiding behind door] I'm just saying! I don't think that was even cute in 1957!

Me: 1957?! That's when my MOTHER was born! And I---

*gulp*

[Flash back to shoulder pads, to lightening bolt earrings, to sport coats with the sleeves rolled up, to high-top velcro sneakers in banana yellow, to resolutions of not becoming my mother by clinging to my 1990's hair that was totally full and rich and OH THE VOLUME. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.]


[Drops blowdryer. Kicks volumizing gel in defeat.]

Him: ... Wife?

Me: Yeah....I, ah....*sniffle*...I'll be down in a minute. [Brushes hair angrily. Weeping silently.]

FIN.

37 comments:

  1. I spent my teens cutting the shoulder pads out of EVERYTHING! I have broad shoulders anyway so I just looked like a linebacker with the added umph. Thank God they don't do that anymore.

    And when you find your anti-volume support group, be sure to post the full contact and meeting info. You just described my entire "hair prepping" procedure.

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  2. Maybe if you started a campaign to bring back the mullet you could get away with the "fuller" hair look. ;)

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  3. AHAHAHAAA!

    My mom used to wear this cape-y grey thing with pom poms and eskimos on it. I was mortified every time I was seen with her...

    Yesterday I saw a high school aged girl leave the mall wearing something REALLY similar and she looked quite good actually. It made me question my entire life's fashion sense.

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  4. I'm with JPT's line of thinking--dig out the crimping iron, and suddenly a little volumizing will seem downright demure!

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  5. The back and forth posts between Husband and Wife are truly classic. God don't change a thing, your posts are amazing. I bow to your greatness. (and so I don't make eye contact with a higher being.)

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  6. Wait a damn minute... What you're saying here is flying in the face of everything I have learned hanging out at the mall.

    SD
    www.TheSimpleDude.com

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  7. I know, I know,,,but I just don't think flat is good for everyone yet.

    Not for everyone.

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  8. With today's fashion world, I'm sure you could rock the puffy hair. Just make sure you manage to dress accordingly. I mean you don't want to look like the "Real Housewives of New Jersey".

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  9. Awwwwwwww HUG. I bet you look amazing with huge hair. I hear that everything is big in Texas- including the hairdos... were you practicing for the move?

    xoxo

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  10. It's totally my life resolution not to become my mother. In any way. At all. Ever. I'm quite sure the accidental occurrence of such would lead to quite the crises on my part.

    Be strong.

    And next time throw the hair dryer instead of the spray.

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  11. When you mentioned those shoulder pads I thought of this: http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=297

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  12. I cannot become my mother unless I quit shaving, stop wearing a bra and start believing that a beret is stylish.

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  13. The high velcro sneakers made a comeback...

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  14. I would go through withdrawals if my hair routine didn't include volumizing mousse, hair dryer and curling iron... I am shaking just thinking about it.

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  15. What is your husband, some sorta rookie? Does he not know the rule when these types of conversations arise? Don't engage. Do. No. Engage.

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  16. The puffy hair is totally going to come back! Trust me.

    Also, not only did my sisters and mom have shoulder pads, *I* actually had a sportcoat with shoulder pads too. And yes, it was a men's coat. I wore it like 3 times, for senior pics, and both my sisters' (first) weddings. I looked like Arnold Schwarznegger with a zebra striped skinny tie. And guess who bought me all that stuff. Mom, that's who.

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  17. He doesn't know. Poof it up, girl! -N

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  18. I have a picture of me in third grade wearing a shoulder-padded shirt.

    Also, my mom has huge poofy bangs that she's had since the 80s. We call her the poof lady.

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  19. All I can say is that I'm glad we didn't own a digital camera back then. That's all. (I had extra-large velcro-in shoulder pads. And perms.)

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  20. Hahahahaha... the bigger the hair, the smaller the hips, right? (You don't want to know where I got that one from.) :o)

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  21. my mother in law is still doing the shoulder pad thing. she is convinced her shoulders are to narrow and small and she HAS to have them. it is ridiculous.

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  22. all styles are cyclical. i bet you ANYTHING shoulder pads will be 'in' shortly. i mean, i'm sitting here wearing skinny jeans. yup. and back in 1995 when we all started wearing flares and 'boot cut' jeans and jnco elephant bells we were all, like, pointing and laughing at the girl who was still wearing last month's skinny jeans. lame-o.

    and now, here i am. in fucking skinny jeans again. damn it. i KNEW i should never have thrown out all my thermal long sleeve shirts and ratty plaid flannels. just another few years and they'd all be cool again.

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  23. How badly do I want to back comb my hair? Very.

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  24. Didactic Pirate is OH SO RIGHT. Just nod and murmer, "beautiful."

    My mom was a Casual Corner junkie too.

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  25. OK that finally did it. I'm cutting the shoulder pads out of my shirts.

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  26. I misspelled murmur. Rather than murmur "what a fucking moron you are" to myself all day, I'm correcting myself publicly.

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  27. My wife wants to nominate me for What Not to Wear. This might just be a spousal thing. Unless your husband is a hairstylist he might not really know what he's talking about. Instead, he might be getting revenge for those times you have criticized him. Or maybe I just wanted to get this off my chest because this is really my own spousal issue. *has revelation*

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  28. "It's so Haaarrrrrrdddd, to say Goodbyyyyeeee, to yesterdaaaaaayyyy."---Boyz 2 Men

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  29. I had no idea those Reebok shoes were coming back in style.... *digging through closet*

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  30. I remember wearing florescent socks, green and orange. Not separately I may add but one of each colour, I was so with it, whatever it was.

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  31. This post made me laugh! I really, really liked that you chose the yellow high top tennis shoes. Hahahaaaaa!!

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  32. I am twenty and have already starting to observe patterns of similar behavior between me and the Mominator. It is really is scary.

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  33. uh-oh...I've been trying to convince myself that the slight puffiness of my hair was working (for who? I don't know)....the flat look just shows so much, um...face. Oh well, it was time for a hair cut anyway!

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  34. I am twenty and have already starting to observe patterns of similar behavior between me and the Mominator. It is really is scary.

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  35. all styles are cyclical. i bet you ANYTHING shoulder pads will be 'in' shortly. i mean, i'm sitting here wearing skinny jeans. yup. and back in 1995 when we all started wearing flares and 'boot cut' jeans and jnco elephant bells we were all, like, pointing and laughing at the girl who was still wearing last month's skinny jeans. lame-o.

    and now, here i am. in fucking skinny jeans again. damn it. i KNEW i should never have thrown out all my thermal long sleeve shirts and ratty plaid flannels. just another few years and they'd all be cool again.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I have a picture of me in third grade wearing a shoulder-padded shirt.

    Also, my mom has huge poofy bangs that she's had since the 80s. We call her the poof lady.

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