Thursday, February 3, 2011

One Ticket to Malaysia, Please

So, I know I've mentioned the fact that um, my EYES LEAK on occasion right? I mean, some might say "cry easily" but I cannot condone such a label. Tears might be falling from my eyes, sure enough, but when my spirit is simultaneously screaming, OH NOT AGAIN YOU ASSHOLE, it's hard to think of it as crying, exactly.

And while I have been saying this for a while, things have OFFICIALLY gotten completely out of hand. First, it was crying in the Hallmark aisle. Then, the damn Christmas music. And just this morning? Guys, I CRIED AT A PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE.

PreK: Teacher: Your son is just doing so great with the other children. If we had a Citizenship Award, he'd get it.

Me: Aww! That's so...grreeat...he's...he's...*SOB*

PreK Teacher: *awkward, silent staring*

Me: *shuffling through purse for sunglasses* (Maybe she'll just think I'm a raging alcoholic!)

Anyway, I managed to make it out of there without getting my child expelled, but it was a close call.  So, I'm taking this shit into my own hands. Sure, I could simply get an elective hysterectomy, but I thought I'd start with my eyeballs first. I got home and immediately made an appointment with Dr. Google.  The following is more or less how our session went (SPOILER ALERT: Dr. Google is a DICK.)



So, okay, maybe DISORDER isn't the right term here. Perhaps I need to be more frank:

My GOD, we are not getting anywhere. JUST GIVE ME THE MEDS ALREADY:



Ok, wiseass. Just forget it, ok? FORGET IT.

If anyone needs me, I'll be in a distant third-world country for a few weeks, opting for some shady, low-cost elective plastic surgery. 

(Though, before I go, I made sure to enter Ryan's Awesome Giveaway contest. Here's to hoping I can still SEE THE ARTWORK upon my return. Knock on wood!)

25 comments:

  1. What's wrong with crying? Have you always easily been moved to tears or is this a recent development?

    I think it means you have a heart and frankly I'm glad to hear it. Not that I was worried, but I like to hear that people feel things and that not everyone is a selfish zombie.

    Anyway, I cry sometimes over things I might think are silly, but having emotions is good. And since you're apparently a very passionate person, it makes sense that you'd also respond with tears to certain things.

    I think as women, sometimes we feel like we're just being stereotypical and silly if we cry easily. When men do it, we just think, "Awww, he's sensitive." And it's endearing.

    Don't worry, it's endearing when you cry over important things, like being proud of your son.

    Sorry, normally I'd give you a jokey response, but I can't think of anything jokey about being who you are and exhibiting an emotional response. It's not weird. Nor is it a disorder.

    Still, funny post. :)

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  2. My husband came up with a solution for my random tears right around the time my kiddo decided to turn two and it went a little something like this:

    Man: "Women have vaginas and some days you let your vaginas take control of your brains so why don't you just remove your vagina and stop being a woman. Men don't cry.. pssh, god Kate."

    Me: "IT'S A SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH!" *eye roll*

    Pretty moving shit, right? He should win awards. Or be thrown off the Mississippi bridge.

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  3. Outrageous. No award.
    Up top on the post. If you have your tearducts removed, your eyesockets might go jiffypop everytime you felt the urge. I think that would be more weird.

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  4. Dude, are you pregnant? Or maybe you are just practicing for when you win Mrs. America.
    http://www.ashafullife.blogspot.com

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  5. Dr Google is a dick. That is why you need to ask Web MD.

    He is a really doctor, with an MD and everything. ;)

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  6. It is good to let yourself feel. At least women feel something. The only time my husband gets excited is when there is a sale on TVs or computers.

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  7. I love that every answer from Google or WebMD ends up with the person thinking they are dying. I am sorry your eyes are leaking a lot lately. I heard that they inject botox into arm pits to stop the sweating, it should do the same for you eyes, right?? What, botulism won't hurt ya :)

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  8. I used to cry all the time, and over NOTHING. Even those SPCA commercials got me crying. Then I had loose tear ducts (for real). Now I never cry. I think I just got it out of my system. This bitch don't cry no more. Makes me feel tough.

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  9. bwhahahahah!!! Holy hell...you crack me up!!!! You're a riot...how on earth does your hubby keep up with you!!!!

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  10. I cried at a Pinky and the Brain episode once when I was a teenager, so, yeah,... I'm a worse crier.

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  11. I never thought about a boobjob to stop all this crying. I should give that a try.

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  12. I'm pretty sure you're leaking brain fluid.

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  13. Babies and bunny rabbits. It's all about the tears of a clown.

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  14. Hey, at least you were crying tears of joy. I had tears of horror and misery at the last pt conference I ever attended... Lord.

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  15. So glad I'm not alone in the whole cry at anything universe. Which I will definitely NOT be checking on Google.

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  16. Any proper mother/wife has a drawer full of pills....I mean medicine for anything right? No? I'm neither so I'm screwed.

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  17. Am I gonna be the only boy who admits this happens to me too

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  18. If I had a nickel for every time I had to cover up my various emotions with the "raging alcoholic" trick, I wouldn't be a stinking professor - I'd own Hawaii.

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  19. I hate Dr. Google like I hate Dr. Oz. Who the hell has sex as often as that man??? I mean REALLY. And yea, I too have leaky eyes. I've tried the sunglass thing as well. You MIGHT be able to fake people out by suddenly (pretend) sneezing your ass off and blaming allergies, OR it might just make you look nuts. Either way, it's not about iTunes. Ever. Good luck.

    xo

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  20. Am I gonna be the only boy who admits this happens to me too

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  21. Hey, at least you were crying tears of joy. I had tears of horror and misery at the last pt conference I ever attended... Lord.

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  22. I'm pretty sure you're leaking brain fluid.

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  23. My husband came up with a solution for my random tears right around the time my kiddo decided to turn two and it went a little something like this:

    Man: "Women have vaginas and some days you let your vaginas take control of your brains so why don't you just remove your vagina and stop being a woman. Men don't cry.. pssh, god Kate."

    Me: "IT'S A SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH!" *eye roll*

    Pretty moving shit, right? He should win awards. Or be thrown off the Mississippi bridge.

    ReplyDelete