Friday, February 18, 2011

I Hate the TV

With all this talk of reality TV (and after a recent Twitter exchange with this chick) I realized that my husband and I are living a lie of sorts.

You see, several months back, we were doing this Dave Ramsey course that seemed almost as promising as those MAKE $$$ WORKING FROM HOME! ads. So we decided to sell some of our belongings in an effort to reinvigorate start a retirement plan savings account. Since one of those items was one of our three ridiculously flat television sets (with those impossibly invisible touch-screen "buttons" that make you look like a 90 year old trying to JUST CHANGE THE DAMN CHANNEL AND WHERE THE FUCK IS THE REMOTE ANYWAY), it seemed like the perfect time to try out a little experiment we'd been thinking about trying.

So when we sold the TV, we got rid of the one in our bedroom.  And we didn't replace it.

...

No, maybe you don't understand. WE DON'T HAVE A TV IN THE BEDROOM.  Do you see, now?

YEAH. I KNOW. It's crazy. And especially so because my husband and I? We are not this couple:



In fact, we are more like THIS couple:


But I think the theory is that when you REMOVE that TV from your bedroom, you're more or less supposed to turn into that couple above. Or, like, people start giving you honorary degrees or something. Because why ELSE would you get rid of a damn TV in your godforsaken bedroom?

Well, the "benefits", sure.  And I think those are supposed to be something like:
  • More sex!
  • It's easier and faster to fall asleep, and presumably when you fall asleep, you then dream about buckyballs and unicorns instead of some weird dude from Twitter stealing your cat and making a cameo appearance on CSI: Miami.
  • Less anxiety (because, HELLO, Dateline murder specials, I'm talking to YOU)
  • More time for reading, crosswords, learning a third language, and searching the Internet for ways to stream your NEIGHBOR'S cable onto your smartphone.
  • I guess you can like, talk to each other or something, too.

But, like I said, after all this talk of my reality TV obsession and my renewed longing for that lovely TV to come back to my bedroom, I'm realizing that we have not seen those results. I mean, I think I read one book. But I can't even remember what it was...OH WAIT. It was The Hunger Game series. Which, you know, is like WAY intellectual. In fact, our typical evenings now consist of the following:

  • More thinking about having sex, but mostly more proclamations of BUT I'M TOO FUCKING TIRED! Do you even SEE what time it is?! WE ARE NO SPRING CHICKENS, DARLING.
  • Husband and I RACING to fall asleep first so that we don't have to be the ones challenged to do so while the other is SNORING HIS/HER RESPECTIVE FACE OFF. He always wins. This means that I lay there alternating between plotting his murder and cursing at the cat because someone has got to feel my wrath.
  • I no longer feel anxious about a particular manner by which a sociopath will break into my house and slay my family, but I DO now hear odd noises in the night and spend many hours willfully denying the existence of ghosts. (I hear that they show themselves only to believers and to those who lay in bed at night with heart palpitations, thinking for a brief second, that OHGOD, I FEEL SOMEONE WATCHING ME THROUGH MY CLOSED EYELIDS.)
  • We covered my reading material, I believe. And I mentioned smartphone, right? Yeah, HI CHECKING TWITTER COMPULSIVELY. I notice that my Twitter use is kind of like cooking popcorn. Once the updates slow to like one or two every three seconds, you know that shit's done.
  • Talk? Eh, I'm tired. Let's just go to bed.

Oh, god. I just realized something. We actually DON'T do much talking at all, because you know why? Because HUSBAND is usually wearing his damn EARBUDS. So he doesn't disturb me.

(Because he listens to NPR.
And books on tape.
And YouTube videos about how to deal with a neurotic wife.)

He's really kind of ruining this whole experiment thing for me.

14 comments:

  1. We've never had a TV in our bedroom because I watched "Poltergeist" as a young kid and I can't sleep in a room with a TV. When in hotels, I use an extra pillow case to cover it up. That all said, we still relate more to the second couple.

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  2. We never put a TV in our bedroom. All in hopes of being that first couple, but more sexy. And we're still like the second couple. I don't know if a TV in our bedroom could actually lead to less sex, or less talking. I'm not sure if that's possible. But, I do know that if there's a TV, I will be watching it and I will never, ever, ever go to sleep.

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  3. Sometimes I wish we didn't have a t.v. in our room cause Jeremiah insists on having it on all night. Even when he's fast asleep. Screw that.

    I set the timer for an hour when I go to bed and then I flip the the channels and if there's nothing on I read until it shuts off and then I go to sleep. Which is also pretty stupid.

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  4. We've never had a TV in the bedroom, so what the hell can I take out of the room to create more sex?

    My wife suggested I take myself out of the room.

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  5. He's an NPR listener? Well. You know THOSE people. They're not like us, you and I.

    I say, nothing creates the mood for foreplay more than getting cozy with your loved one and watching a three-hour Jersey Shore marathon, am I right? Get that TV back in there. Trust me on this. I'm a professional.

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  6. We have a tv in the bedroom. Its hooked to the pc, so we can even check out youtube stuff on it.
    I do miss reading before sleeping, as my partner doesn't really make that easy (he's got this deathgrip snuggle technique) but there is something nice about selecting a series or a movie to watch together.
    And as far as sex goes, well... let's just say that we manage to do okay. ;)

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  7. Doode. I want to get rid of ours, too. So we can do things other than drool on the floor and wear out our clicker pointing fingers. But Gray...he is addicted to WWE.

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  8. I must have the TV in the bedroom. I fall asleep to it when I find myself just laying there staring at the ceiling. If I didn't have it in the bedroom, I'd have to sleep on the couch all the time. Plus, you can put pornos on bedroom TVs if you want. Just sayin'. And as a mature adult, I can turn off the TV when I don't want to be distracted from . . . stuff.

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  9. What Kev D said. (The first part.)

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  10. we haven't had a tv in our bedroom for over 7 years and it's true... more sex! How can you go wrong!

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  11. we have a TV in the bedroom, but the only time I ever turn it on is in the morning when I'm getting ready for work or if the kids have taken over the living room with Blues Clues or something. We rarely ever turn it on to watch before bed.

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  12. You're truly braver than me and my Mrs. I mean, not lulling off to sleep with horrid reality TV and then having to dream about that horrid TV isn't American, is it? It's not too late to turn back - don't become yoga Commies!

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  13. We never put a TV in our bedroom. All in hopes of being that first couple, but more sexy. And we're still like the second couple. I don't know if a TV in our bedroom could actually lead to less sex, or less talking. I'm not sure if that's possible. But, I do know that if there's a TV, I will be watching it and I will never, ever, ever go to sleep.

    ReplyDelete
  14. We have a tv in the bedroom. Its hooked to the pc, so we can even check out youtube stuff on it.
    I do miss reading before sleeping, as my partner doesn't really make that easy (he's got this deathgrip snuggle technique) but there is something nice about selecting a series or a movie to watch together.
    And as far as sex goes, well... let's just say that we manage to do okay. ;)

    ReplyDelete