Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I Celebrate His Entire Catalog

The other day I went to my hairdresser to get my roots covered because as it turns OUT, if you wait three months to get a touch-up on your color job, you kind of look like a crack head. Some of us anyway. Ahem.

I also figured I'd cut my hair a bit. It was long and flowy, well, ratty, really, but I loved it that length. I was living the I'M-YOUNG-IF-I-HAVE-LONG-HAIR dream until I saw Kyle on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and realized my delusions were real and they were dangerous.

So, the before?



And the after?



I know, not too dramatic. But I'm one of those women that kind of needs to hide behind hair every now and then. But just get me to Texas and I'll be singin' the pixie-cut tune in no time, I'm sure. BUT ALSO. I'm not even sure I love it. You know why? Because, I really had intended to do something funky with the layers or length or bangs or SOMETHING. That is UNTIL a series of odd events happened that I took as nothing short of a sign from the God of Michael Bolton Hair (or, you know, something) to just get in and out of that place.


Anyway, FIRST, I got sat next to a woman who had a head of incredibly long, curly, THICK hair who was getting it cut. And she was crying, people. And YES, I realize that you're probably all, oh look who's talking you big CRY BABY!, but this was not like, oh-I'm-laughing-through-the-tears type thing. She had a box of friggin' tissues. And the hairdresser had to PAUSE for a moment.

So, yeah, there was that. It was awkward. Especially so when another client walked up and proclaimed, "WOW! She's getting A LOT cut off, huh?"  The air went out of the room as we all waited for the head of the woman in the chair to explode.

NEXT, I'm chatting with my hairdresser about the weather. Because, yeah, I think we've covered my aptitude with social interaction. It went something like this:

Her: I remember when I lived at my parents' and my friend lived just down the road. He'd come over and plow me out so I wouldn't have to shovel!

Me: Oh, man, that's pretty awesome. I bet you miss that arrangement!

Her: Yeah, especially because he's dead.

Me: ["Jesus Christ!" No, that's not acceptable. How about "What the fuck?!" Nope, nope....uhmm...] Oh, wow. He passed away?

My GOD.

And then, FINALLY, there was the wardrobe malfunction of the hairstylist next to mine who kept bending over to check the that the length of the layers she'd cut were in alignment. (And APPARENTLY to give her nipple some air.)

What? I could see it in the mirror! If I kept my head straight and eyeballs tweaked all the way to one side, it was like I wasn't even looking! Mostly!

Yeah, I had to get out of there. I'll get a mullet next month, okay?

23 comments:

  1. When I was pregnant with my second child (I know, I know...WHY THEN?) I wanted a "fresh" look and let the stylist cut my hair shorter than it's been since I was four years old, when I escaped my mom's idea of a low-maintenance seventies pixie cut (read: BOY). Anyway, I tried to be brave about this new 'do, but when I arrived home, my two-year-old son ran to meet me and then looked at me and started crying.

    It took me 18 months to grow it out. I am not letting go of this hair for at least another ten years.

    Have you seen the articles about perms coming back? Oh, Jaysus. Has society learned nothing?

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  2. First, love the Office Space reference.

    Second, my wife and I were watching old episodes of E.R. and Kyle was on several episodes playing a nurse (no lines of dialogue, just extra stuff).

    Third, when I first read the line, I thought the hairdresser said the guy would come and "plow me" not "plow me out" and I actually thought for a second what that had to do with shoveling. I thought maybe she would let him plow her so that he would shovel her driveway. Seemed like a fair trade... :|

    Last, yay nipples.

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  3. I think just a few little snips now and then makes a big enough difference to make you feel good. You sure look good. I was having the same long-hair fantasy you were....

    Oh, and I had an ex-boyfriend who would go to this one salon all the time because he said he knew the hairstylist and she would hook him up with discounts.

    I went to check it out and the lady who did his hair washed mine. Let's just say the ta-tas were all up in my face. And they weren't small. And she scrubbed vigorously. In a tank-top.

    It didn't work out for us. He was a boob-man. I'm assy, not booby.

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  4. Cutting your hair is always hard. I donate mine to children that need wigs. Check out my old post to see before and after.

    http://heathersamommy.blogspot.com/2011/01/how-to-donate-your-hair-to-cancer.html

    I can't stand Kyle from that Beverly Hills housewife show. They're all spoiled ass brats.

    Anyway...Your hair looks great. The only way to achieve edgy is to go shorter....then you'll cry...It’s a tough adjustment.

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  5. Oh you ladies and your hair issues... you so crazzeee. Things are so much simpler when you're a guy. I keep my hair pretty short so the upkeep is minimal. And the gray is creeping in, but I have yet to do anything about it, if I even will.

    I guess if it was worse I probably would color it. A little gray is ok, anything more makes you look distinguished. But I don't want to look distinguished in my 30s!

    SD
    TheSimpleDude.com

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  6. Haha, great post. I fight with myself about cutting my hair all the time!
    www.rebeccabany.com

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  7. boobs AND a good haircut??? i need to go to your hairdresser. sounds almost - ALMOST - as good as a stripclub.

    and, you know, no tell-tale glitter on my face to explain to awesome husband.

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  8. Um... Why was she crying? Was she being somehow forced to cut her hair off, or...? It sounds like it's good that you got out of there. The guy with the gun must've been hiding somewhere. You probably just barely escaped.

    http://tonitigress.blogspot.com

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  9. Jesus, my trips to the salon are never that eventful. Usually just involves a knot in my stomach on the way out as a write a check for way too much $

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  10. So much drama happens in a hair salon. My stylist has said for years she wants to get a web cam.

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  11. I think it looks sassy, girl! Not delusional sassy, but frames your face nice sassy. Ya with me? I just recently grew my bangs out for the first time ever, and I seriously can't decide if I like it or not.

    talkativetaurus.com

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  12. I just got my hair done too!! I did go crazy...blonde to red! Yikes...not sure how much I'm diggin' it quite yet. I wanted to do a funky cut too...but totally chickened out! My trip wasn't nearly as adventurous as yours. Well, there was that one lady who gave us all a view of her entire butt when she bent over but I'm immune to that by now!!!

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  13. Uh... Children... Uh... Sassy hairdos... I don't gave much to add. My hairdo is quite sassy too, I guess. It kind of looks like Gozer the Gozerian from Ghostbusters.

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  14. Your older kid can hold a pair of scissors right? Want something fresh? Ask the kid to unleash his creativity.

    Also, I hear it's good for the breasts to make sure the areola gets adequate oxygen. Trust me, I was a physiology major. Actually don't trust me, I haven't read a science article in a while now.

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  15. I hate getting my hair cut and paying for something I can do myself. So I cut my hair myself. With dull scissors.
    My advice? Find a good, recommended hair dresser and bring 5 pictures of what you want your hair to look like. (1 isn't enough).

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  16. Your hair is all fancy now!

    But now I'm picturing you with Michael Bolton hair. Even better.

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  17. I try to air out my nipples at least once a day.

    Good hair.

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  18. I'm no expert - but I preferred the before shots compared to the after! (Take it as a compliment)

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  19. In the "after" shot, you look strikingly like Mary Louise Parker (don't worry, that's a good thing).

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  20. Ha! Sorry about that visual... It was worth it, though, because your hair is so cute! I love it! Your glasses are cute, too, but, I know those aren't new. Cute hair, fo realz!

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  21. I never pay for haircuts, sucka. I shave it off when I get sick of the drain glogging. On the other hand I look super hot with no hair, like a sexy cancer patient, a really pretty boy or that Irish woman whose name I can't spell.

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  22. Uh... Children... Uh... Sassy hairdos... I don't gave much to add. My hairdo is quite sassy too, I guess. It kind of looks like Gozer the Gozerian from Ghostbusters.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I think just a few little snips now and then makes a big enough difference to make you feel good. You sure look good. I was having the same long-hair fantasy you were....

    Oh, and I had an ex-boyfriend who would go to this one salon all the time because he said he knew the hairstylist and she would hook him up with discounts.

    I went to check it out and the lady who did his hair washed mine. Let's just say the ta-tas were all up in my face. And they weren't small. And she scrubbed vigorously. In a tank-top.

    It didn't work out for us. He was a boob-man. I'm assy, not booby.

    ReplyDelete