Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

The fact that I have many demons in my closet and love to mix metaphors should not come as a surprise to you. However, the revelation of THIS particular vice might (but not likely):

I have a hardcore addiction to trash television.

Real Housewives? Check. Project Runway? You betchya. Holly's World? Sadly, yes. American Idol? OF COURSE.



I mean, it's not like I watch them ALL THE TIME. I work nights and we don't even have a DVR!  But here's the thing: my husband more or less LOATHES these programs. I mean, most guys do, right? (Yes, EVEN the Playboy ones because, hello? They're talking.) But in our house, it's actually to the point where it occasionally causes tension.  We've had lots of conversations about these shows, and they kind of started like this:

Him: Why do you watch this stuff?

Me: [Eyes wild.] YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!

Him: Uhm? I didn't say you can't watch them....I, ah...[steps away slowly, hands raised defensively]

Me: THEY HELP ME RELAX OHMYGOD WHY ARE YOU OPPRESSING MEEEEEEE [charging at him with blind fury.]


Over time, the discussion evolved into something more like this:

Me: [Stomping down the hallway to bed.]

Him: Did you remember to turn off the TV?

Me: [Glare.]

Him: What's wrong?

Me: WHAT'S WRONG?!

Him: Uhhm...

Me: You know what's wrong? YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG?! WHAT'S WRONG IS YOU CAN'T SING AND YOU STOLE MY HOUSE! AUF WIEDERSEHEN YOU PROSTITUTION WHORE! [Flips night table.]

Him: [Ducks reflexively and dials the authorities].

In other words, I like to think that these shows are relaxing, but I'm honestly more angered by some of these people than I am amused. I sit there and maybe laugh, but I'm often judgey and frustrated that I'm wasting my time when I have so much other stuff to do. And even THEN, I start to defend my choice to watch because MY GOD, DON'T I DESERVE SOME TIME TO RELAX WITH SOME GODDAMN TELEVISION?!



It's a vicious cycle.

Anyway, without any pressure from my tolerant, patient husband, I decided to just lay off most of these shows. I'd already weaned myself off of my subscription to US Weekly and removed Perez Hilton from my home page.  So, TV shouldn't be so hard! RH of NY? Done. Atlanta? See ya! Beverly Hills? (Well...it was really only the first season, and I didn't want to JUDGE the girls by ASSUMING they'd be so annoying that they'd make me judgey, you know? It's just kind of complicated and...)

I've cut down, ok? I can at least claim THAT. But do you see? Do you SEE how EERILY similar this is to, say, a raging crackhead or one of those people from Hoarders?! (OMG...HOARDERS. I FORGOT ABOUT HOARDERS. YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY MY HOARDERS!)

::flips through the channel lineup::


And you know what's hardest? Is that all you guys are a bunch of enablers. That's right, I SAID IT. I am tapping my screen right HERE and it's totally bonking you right on the head.  Because I open up Twitter for ONE MINUTE and what do I see? Awesome Bachelor snark, THAT'S WHAT.  And I wasn't even INTO The Bachelor this year! Or like, EVER!

And now? Now I find myself streaming episodes and watching insane women vie for the attention of a man who travels with his therapist. Does that make me a bad person? I think I might be okay with that.  *twitch*


I'm just not going to fight it anymore.
__________

PS:  To change gears and tone COMPLETELY, I wanted to mention that I'll be doing another Product of Silence post on Monday. This week, I'm working in conjunction with the Clever Girls Collective to do a piece on depression. Now, I realize many of you might not have that inspiration to draw from, so I wanted to expand the prompt. So, for this Monday, you can write something about how depression (in yourself or others) has affected your life. OR! Write a piece that is inspired by a recent book you've read.

Okay?

Who plans on joining me?!

AFTER WE WATCH SOME TV TOGETHER!!??

35 comments:

  1. I am saving all my episodes of hoarders for a good purpose.

    One day, I'll buy all the seasons of Hoarders, then invite my friends over to "play poker" but really, I'll surprise them with a hoarders marathon.

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  2. Fucking hilarious!...I am also a fellow addict, although I have come to accept the fact that there is no way out for me, "Prostitution Whooorah" is now a part of my regular vocab. Great Blog. MAZEL!

    P.S. Do i get to make fun of depression & people with it or do I have to be serious?

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  3. The first step toward recovery is admitting you have a (terrible, terrible) problem.

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  4. I'll do the Prompt I had fun with the last one.

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  5. I love TV. I am such a junky, its really not funny but this post was. :)

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  6. I had to stop reading halfway through to Google Sister Wives cancellation. WTF?? Now I'm angry!

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  7. I have a secret obsession with What Not to Wear. Fortunately, it is on at any given time of the day or night so my family doesn't know that I watch Clinton and Stacey telling people their high school tshirts aren't professional whenever they step out of the house for a few minutes. Last night, however, my husband handed me the remote for the first time in our 18 years together and as I scanned the guide I saw it...my finger twitched out of habit and I almost selected it. But my awesome willpower stopped me and I chose Family Guy instead. Whew. It was a close one.

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  8. Wow... apparently you ARE my wife. And I am your husband. We go through the EXACT same routines around my house (yes, even me cowering in the corner while phoning the authorities). But since it's technically not me suffering from your trash TV problem, I can do ahead and drive the nail in your husbands coffin by letting you know that you can get half these shows on Hulu if you don't have a DVR. You can even pay a tiny bit for Hulu Plus and watch even more.

    Best of luck. I'm glad you're in the acceptance stage.

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  9. Sounds like my wife. Except of course, that I "PRETEND" to make fun of it, but then sit there and watch, and get into it as much, nay, MORE than she does.

    EXPECIALLY Hoarders.

    Oh man, that one with the little kid Hoarder... you couldn't drag me away.

    Yes I wrote expecially on purpose.

    They should do an episode of Intervention where the person is addicted to watching Intervention. I can only assume the television, as well as the people on the show, would explode...

    INTO GUMMY WORMS.

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  10. Haha, those illustrations are great. Hey, I wouldn't mess with you or your remote with those toned arms in the pictures :)
    I have the same reaction as you. I always wonder why I am watching these losers, and then can never turn away. Its like they are sending crack waves over the TV...I wouldn't put it past Bravo to do that

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  11. I think we are television soulmates! I heart the Real Housewives (although I never got into Atlanta or DC), the bachelor (thank GOD Crazy got kicked off last week!!), and Sister Wives (who could resist watching them try to figure out WHY it's difficult to be married to one very persuasive man??). Project Runway...my fav. I wish I were home watching my DVRed "stories" now actually. Job? What job?

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  12. Chelle: You're HOARDING Hoarders? You better invite me to that poker party. Wait...you know what I mean.

    Lavina: I don't know if your question was MEANT to be funny, but it cracked me UP. Hard. To answer: I plan on being serious, but you do your thang.

    TwoBusy: Dude, you're getting PAID to watch. Talk about prostitution whore.

    Not the Hero: Awesome! Email me when it's up and I'll link to your site.

    Jen: It's so not funny that it's hilarious. I feel you. Story of my life and such.

    karebear: I don't think it's actually been canceled. But they did talk about it for a while, which, RAGE.

    LGBG: That's one that I can't stand. I love HIM, of course, but HER. GAH.

    Dr. C: Maybe you and my husband should talk. Support and stuff. And maybe me and your wife. For plotting and stuff.

    Kev D: My husband totally loves Project Runway. He's almost as enamored of Tim Gunn as I am.

    TexaGermaNadian: That's why I love the Internet. It makes my arms look AMAZING.

    Danielle: I HAVEN'T WATCHED THIS WEEK YET! AHMAHGAH! YAY FOR THE END OF CRAZY!

    Ahem. I mean, cool.

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  13. wait, they canceled Sister Wives?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo...ooo...ooooooo........ :'-(

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  14. Okay, freaky! When did my wife get a blog? The similarities are just too close for comfort.

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  15. Hahaha well.... I had a small grin when I initially wrote it, but now that I know it was kinda supposed to be a serious thing it made it much funnier upon second read.

    ...And I feel kinda asshole-y

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  16. I like the way Heidi Klum tries to hide her accent. And then it shows hardcore when she says:

    "One of you will be winner, and one of you will be out."

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  17. Oh nooo! Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! I wish I was cool enough to not ruin that for you...oops.

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  18. How about My Strange Addictions? It's my latest favorite tv trash. I love to judge them.

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  19. I'm a reality TV junkie...but I've managed to pull hubby into my sickness with me! Misery loves company right??!!

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  20. This was the exact same reason that I had to stop listening to Rush.

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  21. What I'm still not clear on: What does the Mr expect me to say when he asks "Why are you watching this?"?

    There's no satisfactory answer to this question!

    Here are some I've tested:
    1. I don't have anything else to do (my laundry knows better)
    2. It's the only thing on (Mr always counters with some kind of mind trick like: "Then maybe we should stop paying for HBO." NOOOO!)
    3. I have reason to believe it's helping make the world a better place (*cricket)

    Quit setting me up to fail with questions you know I can't answer, Mr!

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  22. I'm addicted to really bad ghost hunting shows. I hoard them on my dvr.

    My husband questions my sanity.

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  23. I think between "AUF WIEDERSEHEN" and "Hoarders" in this post, I peed my pants.

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  24. I was just having a conversation with someone about I was better than them because I don't watch shows like The Bachelor, Survivor, or Big Brother.

    Then, I read this post and I am HORRIFIED to see they canceled Sister Wives!!! How the fuck did I miss that? I was DREAMING about the day that I could find more episodes online to learn about their freakish jealous ways.

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  25. THEY CANCELED SISTERS WIVES?! NOOOOOO!
    I don't watch the RH shows, but I love most shows on TLC (I can't stop watching My Strange Addiction and.... Toddlers... and.. Tiaras..)

    What's this Product of Silence thing??

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  26. Also, because of your title, I now have "I can't stop this feeling, deep inside of me, girl you just don't realize, what you do to me.. IIIIIIIII'm hooked on a feeling"

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  27. I am a fellow addict, and of all the things you could be addicted to, I think this is not too shabby. Although it causes tension between me and the hubs too ... until he fell in love with Jersey Shore. Heh. Now the shoe's on the other foot, isn't it, you prostitution whore?!?!?!!!

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  28. I too am a reality TV addict. But when are we going to see some CROSSOVERS?! How about a RHONJ / Hoarders Challenge show where the contestants drink a bunch of wine and attempt to finish an obstacle course built from heaps of garbage... who's with me!? They could call it "Prostitution Hoarders"!

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  29. Whoa whoa whoa...Project Runway is not trash TV! I mean, it's gotta exist on a higher plane than "2.5 Men" doesn't it?

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  30. I have no idea what any of you are talking about, and oddly I think I'm okay with that.

    (There was/is a "Sister Wives" show? Really? Holy crap.)

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  31. Also, because of your title, I now have "I can't stop this feeling, deep inside of me, girl you just don't realize, what you do to me.. IIIIIIIII'm hooked on a feeling"

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  32. What I'm still not clear on: What does the Mr expect me to say when he asks "Why are you watching this?"?

    There's no satisfactory answer to this question!

    Here are some I've tested:
    1. I don't have anything else to do (my laundry knows better)
    2. It's the only thing on (Mr always counters with some kind of mind trick like: "Then maybe we should stop paying for HBO." NOOOO!)
    3. I have reason to believe it's helping make the world a better place (*cricket)

    Quit setting me up to fail with questions you know I can't answer, Mr!

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  33. How about My Strange Addictions? It's my latest favorite tv trash. I love to judge them.

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  34. I think we are television soulmates! I heart the Real Housewives (although I never got into Atlanta or DC), the bachelor (thank GOD Crazy got kicked off last week!!), and Sister Wives (who could resist watching them try to figure out WHY it's difficult to be married to one very persuasive man??). Project Runway...my fav. I wish I were home watching my DVRed "stories" now actually. Job? What job?

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  35. Haha, those illustrations are great. Hey, I wouldn't mess with you or your remote with those toned arms in the pictures :)
    I have the same reaction as you. I always wonder why I am watching these losers, and then can never turn away. Its like they are sending crack waves over the TV...I wouldn't put it past Bravo to do that

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