Friday, February 11, 2011

Happy VD!

Yesterday, I went to the store to buy my husband a Valentine's Day card. I'd already bought the gift (which he FOUND and then ATE, but that's another story),  but was feeling guilty about not going all the way with the thing, you know? Guys get the shaft on Valentine's Day, so who am I do slight him a card?

I flip through the rows, undecided of whether to go funny:

"Roses are red.
This card is crass.
I like you a lot
But I LOVE YOUR ASS!"

or sentimental:

"I'm not sure exactly when I fell in love with you,
but I do know it was the important moment of my life."

Naturally, the second made me cry, so I threw it in the damn cart and hustled over to the detergent aisle to provide an alibi for my tears.  Then, on the drive home, I realized something.  That card? That made me cry? THAT'S A CHICK CARD. I bought my husband a CHICK CARD for Valentine's Day. Why did I do that?! So I can stand there WEEPING as he reads it, because, did you see what it said there at the end, and ISN'T IT GREAT?!

Jesus H.

Now I'm not sure what to do. Can I even return the card? Will the lady at customer service offer condolences or give me a discount code for chocolates? And even then, do I just skip giving Husband a card altogether? Or do I make him one?

For sound advice, I did what any mature woman would do and put the fate of my marriage in the hands of Twitter.




The result was a resounding, MEH.  Which, I'm pretty sure means INCONCLUSIVE. THANKS FOR NOTHING, YOU JERKS in scientific terms.  So, to be safe, I think I have to just make him one. I've done this before. I've got some paper and stuff. I can be brief. And I'm certain he'll at least appreciate my frugality. Though, in the past, I've usually snuck in some romance in the form of poetry or something. Which brings us right back to square one. So this is where you guys come in. My goal is to write something meaningful, but to NOT trigger his gag or eye-roll reflex.  Here are some ideas I've come up with so far:


Click any card image to enlarge & print. You're welcome.

I like the idea of metaphor. You see a lot of cards that suggest that the love the woman has for this man is the most amazing experience EVER.  But instead of comparing it with flowers or bubbling brooks, I've pointed to my tortured, questionable past in an effort to show him how he's saved my soul. Like in a thanks for meeting me...I might be huffing cleaning products if you hadn't come into my life kind of thing. The romantic sentiment is thereby balanced with the imagery of hardcore addiction and a cool picture of a nostril.  I think it works, no?

But I've got others:


This approach is more of a nostalgic one. You often find cards that suggest the woman's instant target lock on the dude's winning smile or argyle socks or something on the day they first met. Guys like to remember the good times, right? But a guy's idea of good time is not always the same as a chick's idea of a good time.  Especially if that time includes a detail about argyle socks.  So I tried to keep it vague to satisfy both our needs. And then I threw in a hardcore dog and blood spatter just in case the act of reminiscing itself was too frou frouey.

Moving along:


Here, I channeled the other popular VD card expression of the I'll-do-anything-for-you sentiment, but I realize that it's often a vague concept. (And nobody likes vague, people. Not even the nihilists.)  And, really, even if it's not vague, it certainly has the potential to feel stalkerish, you know?  Now, when I met my husband, I was wearing an airbrushed unicorn shirt (no lie). So, dude knows about my inappropriate infatuation.  Therefore, I think this might be a significant declaration for him to hear. In fact, I wouldn't doubt he's been fearing such a role-playing request for the length of our marriage. This VD, I liberate him from any further horn-wearing anxiety.  

And lastly, I went for the we're made for each other! concept:


One card I stumbled upon was all, "I never understood all those people who say that relationships take hard work!" And then I was all, why you smug little bitch! Then the old woman next to me who was looking at VD cards for her grandkids suddenly huffed off, and I realized I was angry at a piece of paper. So this card takes a more realistic approach. Garlic and ice cream? Gross right? Well, there's this local annual garlic festival and the garlic ice cream is pretty much the main event. So, from some angles, our relationship is easy-breezy. Tasty even?  I mean, I bet it's tricky to make, but then you just sit back and enjoy!  Of course, once you're done, I imagine the aftertaste might be an issue.

Actually, I'm not sure this metaphor is working.

Anyway, let me know what you think. I'm tossing around the idea of pitching to Hallmark, because there's clearly an untapped market here.  Maybe even a line that targets children:


Just off the top of my head, you know?

37 comments:

  1. Am I the only one who thought you were talking about VENEREAL DISEASE?

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  2. Love the Unicorn card and the one for the kids...totally need to send to Hallmark! <3

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  3. That is hilarious!!! I think you totally need to make these. Gator Guy would definitely appreciate if I gave him one of these.

    And me too Kev...I giggled each time thinking of venereal diseases too!! :)

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  4. Annnnnnd THIS is clearly how you're gonna make your first million. Pitch your line of cards to Hallmark today. TODAY, I'm saying to you.

    P.S. I vote go with the garlic and ice cream one. If my wife gave that to me, I'd go all goofy.

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  5. I totally LOVE valentine cards but i never got one...in my whole entire life...NO CARD. That sucks....and i think that i won't get one this year .

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  6. You've stumbled upon a real goldmine here! Print them up and start selling today!

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  7. "Click any card image to enlarge and print. You're welcome."

    Thank you!!! I am loving the mad dog and blood splatter one! Does this mean I have your written consent to give this to my husband for VD? It's totally us. Though, I must say, I really like the Windex one as well.

    Thanks!

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  8. The unicorn, for sure, it's totally "you". You could even stage it with mini-corn standing by! Happy VD!

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  9. One time my mom gave me a card and she wrote "Happy V-D" in it which is not quite V Day or VD, but the abbreviation for venereal disease and so now every year we decorate cards and cakes saying Happy VD! It covers an inside joke and not being too girly. And at the end of the day, you just really want someone special to share your VD with.

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  10. I've had the garlic ice cream at the festival in Gillroy, CA. I'm pretty sure it's just a crap load of minced garlic dumped into a machine loaded with vanilla soft serve. It wasn't bad, kind of weird. Which makes that card my favorite. It an accurate reflection of my marriage. :)

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  11. The dog/blood one.......My boyfriend NEEDS to receive this card!

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  12. I'm sorry, I'm stuck on the airbrushed unicorn shirt... OMG.

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  13. You need your own card aisle. I would buy ALL of your cards. The dog one cracks me up to the max.

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  14. I gave you an award for being so stylish:

    http://throwthestarfishback.blogspot.com/2011/02/awards-5qf-weekend-update.html

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  15. That unicorn is straight up funny as EFF!! I don't know HOW you got Husband to pose for that.

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  16. Skip the card. Guys don't care.

    Unless it was really really funny and you just signed it, "I love you!" or "Now, meet me in the bedroom."

    Cause really, guys just want sex on Valentines day.

    You want to do something really special for him? Just give him some without making him work for it. Guys spend lots of time, money, and energy to get our ladies in the mood for the sex.

    Just jump him.

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  17. I want the whole set. Hallmark, watch your back.

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  18. These are genius. Please make more cards and set up some sort of system where we pay you and then you mail them to our unsuspecting friends/loved ones/kids anonymously.

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  19. Hells yes to the unicorn. Except if it were me I'd be standing there with a unicorn costume and say "just joking I love unicorns more" because, COME ON! Unicorns.
    Also, there's this donut called vanilla dip and although it looked gross, I had to order it just so I could ask for VD. The girl was not impressed at all.

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  20. VD cards kind of suck. YOU need to go into the business.....

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  21. I thought you were talking Venereal Disease too. I was half expecting a card saying "Thanks for the Syphilis, Have a great VD!".

    Aside from that, I like the hanging out and doing fun stuff card. Go with that one!

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  22. Those were BRILLIANT! I loved the unicorn one best, though.

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  23. Unicorns, all the way!

    You've definitely got something starting there with those cards. Carry it through, Kristine! Just DO it!

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  24. Is it sad I still have the one I got in 8th grade from my crush Joshua Tibbe? Stupid PhD having humanitarian won't accept my facebook friends request. Love is like a VD, It's awsome getting there, but you always regret it later. You should totally make a page just for those cards and sell them!

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  25. I feel like this series could be rounded out with a nice: I'm glad we have each other, because I like you more than dying alone" card.

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  26. This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, this post, and now I have no qualms about skipping sex with my husband tonight. Because I'm stealing the unicorn card.

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  27. Once, I received a card with a black couple walking hand in hand on a beach. It was sweet, but we are not black soooo...That was from an ex-husband by the way. His lack of attention to details seemed to nip that one in the bud : )

    I made a hand made card...with fringe. Don't do fringe. That's a bad idea. a time consuming, bad idea.

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  28. I would love to receive either the unicorn one or the "remember the time" one. Pitch perfect. And I don't give a crap about Valentine's Day.

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  29. You have a gift for card making. I don't think stores would be able to keep the unicorn card stocked to save their lives. Total genius. Also, I should follow your lead on this: "put the fate of my marriage in the hands of Twitter."

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  30. Look out walmark - love the unicorn,

    http://skirtingchaosinmyhead.blogspot.com/

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  31. Those were BRILLIANT! I loved the unicorn one best, though.

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  32. I thought you were talking Venereal Disease too. I was half expecting a card saying "Thanks for the Syphilis, Have a great VD!".

    Aside from that, I like the hanging out and doing fun stuff card. Go with that one!

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  33. I'm sorry, I'm stuck on the airbrushed unicorn shirt... OMG.

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  34. "Click any card image to enlarge and print. You're welcome."

    Thank you!!! I am loving the mad dog and blood splatter one! Does this mean I have your written consent to give this to my husband for VD? It's totally us. Though, I must say, I really like the Windex one as well.

    Thanks!

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