I flip through the rows, undecided of whether to go funny:
"Roses are red.
This card is crass.
I like you a lot
But I LOVE YOUR ASS!"
"I'm not sure exactly when I fell in love with you,
but I do know it was the important moment of my life."
Naturally, the second made me cry, so I threw it in the damn cart and hustled over to the detergent aisle to provide an alibi for my tears. Then, on the drive home, I realized something. That card? That made me cry? THAT'S A CHICK CARD. I bought my husband a CHICK CARD for Valentine's Day. Why did I do that?! So I can stand there WEEPING as he reads it, because, did you see what it said there at the end, and ISN'T IT GREAT?!
Now I'm not sure what to do. Can I even return the card? Will the lady at customer service offer condolences or give me a discount code for chocolates? And even then, do I just skip giving Husband a card altogether? Or do I make him one?
For sound advice, I did what any mature woman would do and put the fate of my marriage in the hands of Twitter.
The result was a resounding, MEH. Which, I'm pretty sure means INCONCLUSIVE. THANKS FOR NOTHING, YOU JERKS in scientific terms. So, to be safe, I think I have to just make him one. I've done this before. I've got some paper and stuff. I can be brief. And I'm certain he'll at least appreciate my frugality. Though, in the past, I've usually snuck in some romance in the form of poetry or something. Which brings us right back to square one. So this is where you guys come in. My goal is to write something meaningful, but to NOT trigger his gag or eye-roll reflex. Here are some ideas I've come up with so far:
|Click any card image to enlarge & print. You're welcome.|
I like the idea of metaphor. You see a lot of cards that suggest that the love the woman has for this man is the most amazing experience EVER. But instead of comparing it with flowers or bubbling brooks, I've pointed to my tortured, questionable past in an effort to show him how he's saved my soul. Like in a thanks for meeting me...I might be huffing cleaning products if you hadn't come into my life kind of thing. The romantic sentiment is thereby balanced with the imagery of hardcore addiction and a cool picture of a nostril. I think it works, no?
But I've got others:
This approach is more of a nostalgic one. You often find cards that suggest the woman's instant target lock on the dude's winning smile or argyle socks or something on the day they first met. Guys like to remember the good times, right? But a guy's idea of good time is not always the same as a chick's idea of a good time. Especially if that time includes a detail about argyle socks. So I tried to keep it vague to satisfy both our needs. And then I threw in a hardcore dog and blood spatter just in case the act of reminiscing itself was too frou frouey.
Here, I channeled the other popular VD card expression of the I'll-do-anything-for-you sentiment, but I realize that it's often a vague concept. (And nobody likes vague, people. Not even the nihilists.) And, really, even if it's not vague, it certainly has the potential to feel stalkerish, you know? Now, when I met my husband, I was wearing an airbrushed unicorn shirt (no lie). So, dude knows about my inappropriate infatuation. Therefore, I think this might be a significant declaration for him to hear. In fact, I wouldn't doubt he's been fearing such a role-playing request for the length of our marriage. This VD, I liberate him from any further horn-wearing anxiety.
And lastly, I went for the we're made for each other! concept:
One card I stumbled upon was all, "I never understood all those people who say that relationships take hard work!" And then I was all, why you smug little bitch! Then the old woman next to me who was looking at VD cards for her grandkids suddenly huffed off, and I realized I was angry at a piece of paper. So this card takes a more realistic approach. Garlic and ice cream? Gross right? Well, there's this local annual garlic festival and the garlic ice cream is pretty much the main event. So, from some angles, our relationship is easy-breezy. Tasty even? I mean, I bet it's tricky to make, but then you just sit back and enjoy! Of course, once you're done, I imagine the aftertaste might be an issue.
Actually, I'm not sure this metaphor is working.
Anyway, let me know what you think. I'm tossing around the idea of pitching to Hallmark, because there's clearly an untapped market here. Maybe even a line that targets children:
Just off the top of my head, you know?