Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Grab Your Bunsen Burner!

Before I begin, I want to quickly thank everyone who participated in Monday's Product of Silence exercise. I was very honored to have so many of you share your stories and offer your support. And a big thanks again to Linda Gray Sexton, who is clearly so dedicated to getting this story out to those who are in need.

*****

But now I'm going to totally switch gears in an inappropriate and jarring fashion!

I was just working on a piece that I want to submit to another site and I found myself wrestling with some aspects of my writing style. Namely two things: my cursing and MY TENDENCY TO USE ALL CAPS. Now, I'll clarify, I don't feel bad for cursing or SHOUTING EMPHATICALLY at you. In fact, it's quite fun. But I *do* wonder about its effect on my humor. So, to assess this situation in a responsible fashion, I figured we could do a proper scientific study right here on the blog.



Title: The efficacy of foul language and or / use of ALL CAPS on blogging humor. MY blogging humor. AHEM.

Purpose: Since childhood (maybe) foul language and sarcasm have been a part of my lifestyle. Once I moved into the publishing (kind of) arena, it seemed only appropriate to implement the use of ALL CAPS to better illustrate my meaning, rage, and or, level of sanity. Before beginning this experiment, I hypothesize that the rate of laughter and implementation of urination prevention muscles will increase as the rate of ALL CAPS and foul language increases.

Materials:
  • CAPS LOCK KEY
  • Your mom
  • Computer
  • Microsoft paint & stolen "scientist" images from the web.

Methods


1. First, I pulled up my blogging screen.
2. Next, I bemoaned the fact that I was, in fact, pulling up my blogging screen and not signing copies of "A Shore Thing" at the Miami Barnes & Noble. (I bet people in Miami read books.)
3. From there, I close my screen and complete about 17 other tasks of a different and unrelated nature.
4. Next, I went to bed.
5. The next morning, I pulled up my draft and see an empty page.
6. Then I yelled at my children for ruining my life.
7. Then I did a Google image search for "scientist" and was sure to cut off all the copyright information as I attach my photoshopped head.
8. Then I typed my methods, first in the regular way, and then in the awesome way, to see how it would alter comedic results. (Standby, because shit's about to get all Inception on your ass.)

1. First, I pulled up my FUCKING BLOGGING SCREEN.
2. Next, I bemoaned the fact that I was, in fact, pulling up my BLOGGING SCREEN and not signing DAMN copies of "A Shore Thing" at the Miami Barnes & Noble. (I BET THEY HAVE ONE.)
3. From there, I close my screen and complete about SEVENTEEN OTHER TASKS OF A DIFFERENT AND UNRELATED NATURE.
4. Next, I went to fucking bed. (HEY-OH!)
5. The next morning, I pulled up my draft and see an EMPTY PAGE AND THINK ABOUT THE SHINING AND THAT CREEPY SCENE WITH THE DOG COSTUME.
6. Then I yelled at my children for RUINING MY LIFE.
7. Then I did a Google image search for "SCIENTIST" and was sure to cut off all the copyright information as I attach my photoshopped head. Then I tweet about that annoying GOTHIC CHICK from that CSI show, because, I mean, ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE PONY TAILS.
8. Then I typed my methods, first in the regular way, and then in the awesome way, to see how it would alter comedic results. (<--SEE?!)

Data





Results: So far, I don't have a book deal. Hell, I can't even get an ad on my site. So I'd say this was a TOTAL WASTE OF MY FUCKING TIME.


Discussion: Um, but what do you think, precious reader? I suppose I might have missed a variable in here somewhere. Like, in actually gauging the effects in this experiment.


Conclusions: It's probably a stupid idea to perform experiments online. Especially so if you need your actual readers to come over and give you feedback, but they're all busy LIVING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLOBE.


Figures & Graphs: What the fuck?! Someone ALREADY DID THIS STUDY! I'm about to strike down upon thee WITH GREAT VENGEANCE! (Ezekiel 25:17)





References: Sleep deprivation and a crumbling moral compass contributed to this report.

__________

(So, wait, what are the results again?)

I mean:

(JESUS H, that is confusing. WHAT THE HELL DOES IT ALL MEAN?!)

27 comments:

  1. Hmm, what I took from the whole experiment, scientifically speaking, is that your blog FUCKING rocks :) Look, you are already rubbing off on us sheepy followers!

    http://texagermanadian.blogspot.com/

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  2. i say keep up the fucking swearing!

    some of us have a very short attention span.

    and keep up the fucking swearing!

    some of us have a very short attention span.

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  3. You potty mouth you! ;)

    Nothing wrong with being cursively descriptive though.

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  4. Hahahha..agree with TGN. Gosh your cursing and capslocking (i know it's not a word), is probably your style of writing, and is probably why we laugh our ass off. Just stay the frickin same.

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  5. Best "Data" I've EVER seen. EVER. No joke. Your science is FUCKING LEGIT!

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  6. Tell us how you REALLY feel! You do, and I fucking love it!

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  7. Okay, so I should stop to read instructions. One day. I just got written up for grabbing my buns and I was all, "But Kristine TOLD me to grab my buns, see..." and they were all, "That says bunsen burners," and then I got written up again for flipping off the computer because who the fuck has bunsen burners just LAYING AROUND THE OFFICE. Except, of course, for the Uni-bomber.

    I blame you.

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  8. @Cat, I would like to respectfully point out that Mad Scientists also have bunsen burners laying around the office. Wait... does he count as a Mad Scientist?

    And I think the Goth chick is on NCIS... unless she's been relocated to CSI Miami, I quit watching that shit YEARS ago. :)

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  9. You just can't argue with SCIENCE. I mean, come on, it's PROVEN that using all caps is an effective means of communication. Otherwise, your reader just doesn't know how you truly feel.

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  10. Conclusion: You don't need to change a thing. The foul language & random yelling at us is the pinnacle of comedic achievement.

    Plus the "Data" cracks me up.

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  11. GraphJam? Sounds like a pretty lame fucking jam.

    It's right up there with GeographyJam, LaundryFoldingJam and RaspberryJam.

    What? I prefer blueberries.

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  12. Profanity = win
    Appropriately used capslock = win
    Random image of TNG's Data = WIN

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  13. FUCKING GENIUS dats what you are!

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  14. I just feel that in life or in blogging offensive language is never needed or necessary. I personally feel really god damn fucking offended every time I hear it.

    ...and I really have NO room to comment on said subject, Im shaking up the blogging world with a whole 4 followers.

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  15. I like experiments that blow things up. Blame it on memories of watching the Muppet Show.

    And now I need to go see if I can find an old VW van to buy, that picture is awesome.

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  16. Reporting a 57% increase in laughter due to all caps and swearing but 0% for the implementation of urination prevention musles! DAMN IT!

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  17. I think it means that you've been drunk blogging...again. ;)

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  18. I really enjoy profanity and pictures of Data. In conclusion, as Mr. Billy Joel has said, "Don't go changin', just to please me." Or, please someone else. I'm already pleased.

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  19. My urination prevention muscles failed which means I peed which means YOU FUCKING WIN!

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  20. You had me at FUCK (but you'll keep me because of the Data pic). TNG + WITV = motherfucking GENIUS.

    AMo
    http://princessmuffintop.blogspot.com/

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  21. I think you have the right cursing and CAPS LOCK ratios in your writing. If it were any better, I'd probably pee my pants. Which would not be cool. Oh and I loved the Data pic.

    http://tonitigress.blogspot.com

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  22. You are so funny!! I love on-line experiments AND I love the ALL CAPS AND CURSING! It's much more exciting!! Woooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooo!!!!! Can't you see how excited I am??

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  23. I once saw this website, and it had these cats, or really pictures of cats and the cats were doing all kind of silly things, and then someone had written something over the photo that sounded like the cats were talking, and it was funny and cute because cats can't talk but if they could I bet they'd talk just like those pretend cats are pretend talking. It was pretty much the best website ever and I sent it in an email to all my friends so they could see the funny cats saying funny things that funny cats would say.

    I think that should have been factored into your study somewhere.

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  24. I think you have the right cursing and CAPS LOCK ratios in your writing. If it were any better, I'd probably pee my pants. Which would not be cool. Oh and I loved the Data pic.

    http://tonitigress.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  25. Conclusion: You don't need to change a thing. The foul language & random yelling at us is the pinnacle of comedic achievement.

    Plus the "Data" cracks me up.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Best "Data" I've EVER seen. EVER. No joke. Your science is FUCKING LEGIT!

    ReplyDelete