But now I'm going to totally switch gears in an inappropriate and jarring fashion!
I was just working on a piece that I want to submit to another site and I found myself wrestling with some aspects of my writing style. Namely two things: my cursing and MY TENDENCY TO USE ALL CAPS. Now, I'll clarify, I don't feel bad for cursing or SHOUTING EMPHATICALLY at you. In fact, it's quite fun. But I *do* wonder about its effect on my humor. So, to assess this situation in a responsible fashion, I figured we could do a proper scientific study right here on the blog.
Title: The efficacy of foul language and or / use of ALL CAPS on blogging humor. MY blogging humor. AHEM.
Purpose: Since childhood (maybe) foul language and sarcasm have been a part of my lifestyle. Once I moved into the publishing (kind of) arena, it seemed only appropriate to implement the use of ALL CAPS to better illustrate my meaning, rage, and or, level of sanity. Before beginning this experiment, I hypothesize that the rate of laughter and implementation of urination prevention muscles will increase as the rate of ALL CAPS and foul language increases.
- CAPS LOCK KEY
- Your mom
- Microsoft paint & stolen "scientist" images from the web.
1. First, I pulled up my blogging screen.
2. Next, I bemoaned the fact that I was, in fact, pulling up my blogging screen and not signing copies of "A Shore Thing" at the Miami Barnes & Noble. (I bet people in Miami read books.)
3. From there, I close my screen and complete about 17 other tasks of a different and unrelated nature.
4. Next, I went to bed.
5. The next morning, I pulled up my draft and see an empty page.
6. Then I yelled at my children for ruining my life.
7. Then I did a Google image search for "scientist" and was sure to cut off all the copyright information as I attach my photoshopped head.
8. Then I typed my methods, first in the regular way, and then in the awesome way, to see how it would alter comedic results. (Standby, because shit's about to get all Inception on your ass.)
1. First, I pulled up my FUCKING BLOGGING SCREEN.
2. Next, I bemoaned the fact that I was, in fact, pulling up my BLOGGING SCREEN and not signing DAMN copies of "A Shore Thing" at the Miami Barnes & Noble. (I BET THEY HAVE ONE.)
3. From there, I close my screen and complete about SEVENTEEN OTHER TASKS OF A DIFFERENT AND UNRELATED NATURE.
4. Next, I went to fucking bed. (HEY-OH!)
5. The next morning, I pulled up my draft and see an EMPTY PAGE AND THINK ABOUT THE SHINING AND THAT CREEPY SCENE WITH THE DOG COSTUME.
6. Then I yelled at my children for RUINING MY LIFE.
7. Then I did a Google image search for "SCIENTIST" and was sure to cut off all the copyright information as I attach my photoshopped head. Then I tweet about that annoying GOTHIC CHICK from that CSI show, because, I mean, ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE PONY TAILS.
8. Then I typed my methods, first in the regular way, and then in the awesome way, to see how it would alter comedic results. (<--SEE?!)
Results: So far, I don't have a book deal. Hell, I can't even get an ad on my site. So I'd say this was a TOTAL WASTE OF MY FUCKING TIME.
Discussion: Um, but what do you think, precious reader? I suppose I might have missed a variable in here somewhere. Like, in actually gauging the effects in this experiment.
Conclusions: It's probably a stupid idea to perform experiments online. Especially so if you need your actual readers to come over and give you feedback, but they're all busy LIVING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLOBE.
Figures & Graphs: What the fuck?! Someone ALREADY DID THIS STUDY! I'm about to strike down upon thee WITH GREAT VENGEANCE! (Ezekiel 25:17)
References: Sleep deprivation and a crumbling moral compass contributed to this report.
(So, wait, what are the results again?)
(JESUS H, that is confusing. WHAT THE HELL DOES IT ALL MEAN?!)