Friday, January 21, 2011

I Think I'm an Elitist Wang

Guys, I think it's time I finally address the elephant in the room. (What, you don't smell it?) Okay, so maybe it's not a full-sized elephant, but maybe the size of the one they shrunk in the beginning of Despicable Me. REGARDLESS. I'm talking about Facebook, people.

I cannot STAND the Facebook. Can. Not. Stand.


And sure, this might be because I am aging myself right out of the cool-and-relevant club, but for the most part Facebook simply reminds me that many of my acquaintances and family members are whiny, self-absorbed, and unable to spell or punctuate properly.

In fact, while I do have an account to keep in touch with a small circle of people, most of my "friends" are hidden from my news feed because I am unable to detach myself enough from their self-pity so as not to erupt in a disproportionate amount of rage.

(My therapist and I are working on it.)

So, in an attempt to rationalize my strong emotional response--er, you know, curb it--I've more or less come up with categories for these Facebook, um, TYPES. (Categories clean up the chaos! Especially if the category list is a factor of twelve! ... Shut up.)

Category One: The Walking Pity Party

Thanks to my neighbor for shoveling my driveway for me! Thank God for nice people! Though, I did still have to go out and finish things up. There was a lot of ice left behind that I had to chip away. It was exhausting. I probably shouldn't have exerted myself so hard...I think my little baby [Editor's note: she's pregnant] is mad at me!

Sooo, you're saying thank you? Or are you telling the neighbor he did a shit job and potentially killed your unborn child? Hard to read here.

Here's another example:

Monday: I am so dang tired, I can't stop yaaaaawning!
Tuesday: Blah. I have so much to do today. I need a nanny! How am I supposed to chase two kids around?! [Editor's note: one is not even crawling]
Wednesday: Ow, my belly hurts and the kids are not happy with any movie I put on. When does Mommy get to relax? UUUGGGGHHH!
Thursday: I am really getting sick of my iPhone and missing my Droid.
Friday: I am so hungry but nothing in my house sounds good! BOOOOOOOO :(((((

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

Category Two: Hard-to-Believe-You-Graduated-from-the-Same-School People

Marrinating stake for diner and makin biscuts to!

Does making fun of this make me an elitist wang? *shudder* Her steady HELP WITH MY BARNRAISING! and serious contemplation about the honesty and legitimacy of Bachelor contestants does not help any, you see.

Category Two: OKAY. WE GET IT. YOU LISTEN TO MUSIC.

met him in a Hotel, beneath ground. Tell that he's missing; tell me this one for Lollipop Gestapo? ... I guess that I'm seeking isn't here... met him in a Hotel met him in a Guess World where I guessed anyone but you

Anyone quoting Tori Amos will pick the most obscure, fucked-up lyrics to prove that his love for her is truer and better than any other single person that might also be inclined to post her lyrics. In fact, these two gay friends I have seem to be passive-aggressively battling out this WHO IS THE BIGGER FAN feud.

Pleased to meet you! Hope you guess my name, but what's puzzling you is the nature of my game.

Oooh! The Stones! How cryptic! Or, not really. Song is totally stuck in my head now, though, ass.

Category Three: I Hope No One Figures Out We're Related

"The only time you wait a month for sex is when the girl is 17 years and eleven months old." --Barney from HIMYM. Sooo true and hystericalllllll!!!!!!!!

No, he's not incarcerated. But I can see how you might think that.

Category Four: Show-Offs

1/11/11 is the best Phish show I've ever seen. And I've seen like a hundred.

See, this isn't much of a brag in my book, but her intentions were there. A for effort!

Sunday: Football and Snowboarding! Life is grand!
Tuesday: [Uploads hundreds of pictures of snowy sporting adventures]
Thursday: Heading back to the mountain! POW!

(Okay, so this one may or may not be my husband.)

...

(Alright, ALRIGHT, I'll STOP. It's a wonder anyone befriends me on Facebook. Think I should start one for the blog?! OH WAIT! I DID! HAHAHAHA! BE SURE TO LIKE WAIT IN THE VAN ON FACEBOOK! No, really. Look over there ---> Or maybe you're just supposed to friend me? I don't know what I'm doing. Clearly I fall into the Facebook category of TOTAL OLD FART DUMBASS.)

ALSO, I know I'm not the only one who sees this kind of think in the ol' Facebook stream. It's your turn to entertain me. What are some updates you've seen that bring the rage? Or, you know, eye roll if you're more mentally stable? Use the comment section to share the LULZ.

__________


(PPS: A few people have emailed me that they're going to participate in Product of Silence tomorrow! Thanks, dudes. There's still time to add your name to that list if you'd like to join in on the fun! Again, the prompt is a letter you never intend to send. For more information, see the Product of Silence tab at the top of the page.)

But seriously, dish on your Facebook pals! Do it! We're all (mostly) friends here!

50 comments:

  1. I deactivated mine a week ago. One of the better things I've done. HATE IT! I kept it to have contact with some relatives - haven't missed them one bit :D Who were the rest of them? Not in my everyday life, that's for sure. I feel i have gained such a sense of privacy, not just from what people were seeing about me, but from everyone elses's crappy (lack of) boundaries. Am not Inflicted today. Mostly i am just not interested in participating in things that make me forget I'm alive. Love your post, lovely addition to my morning coffee.

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I USED to have a facebook account. Heavy on the USED to. I had a(n) (ex-)friend on there who periodically liked to post her status as "[name withheld] does not like to refer to herself in the third person." This was probably supposed to be witty, but since she used to occasionally say it out loud, as well as post it as her status more than once (ever), I got really tired of her being so proud of herself for coming up with something she thought was so genius.

    She moved away (darn) so we are no longer friends.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Love it, I posted something similar a few months ago about my FB hate of status updates.

    Just a couple of special categories for the FB folks in my life:

    Work Martyrs - "Another long day at the office, 60 hours this week so far and working all weekend. I will do anything for my clients, but a day off would be nice."

    Those stupid status repeaters - "If you have a daughter and love her more than anything, please re-post." So if I don't post it, does that mean I don't love my daughter??? Oh no, the tragedy if my daughter finds out if I didn't re-post.

    The people who ONLY post to brag - "Going to Hawaii for the second time in 2 months. Looking forward to snorkeling in the 90 degree water." Then nothing until 2 months later, next post - "Taking my wife to the _______ concert." And 85 dumbasses then respond to every status update, "So jealous!" My interpretation is that in the weeks/months between posts, his life must completely suck.

    ReplyDelete
  4. And of course there are the "used to be cool kids" who APPARENTLY do nothing in life anymore except . . . play farmtown (or whatever it is). Wow. Forty + years old, and your social life consists of sharing "jewels" with your "friends."

    Or (get this) my SISTER who LITERALLY runs and tells my MOTHER when I post something that might piss her off. (Thanks, sis. Now Mother hasn't spoken to me in 2 months because. . . I didn't want to make a grape pie for Thanksgiving! Bad daughter!)

    And DEAR GOD if my kid doesn't stop with the stupid song lyrics from that snot rock crap he listens to, I'm going to start hiding him. Or from him. Something.

    Does your, uh, therapist have an open appointment, by any chance?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I couldn't agree more - I have considered getting rid of Facebook but then I get the nervous itches and think I wouldn't be able to survive if I couldn't stalk people at will. *insert creeptastic laugh here*

    My least favorite status updates are the ones that claim to hate drama therefore creating drama just to get attention. Makes me sick. Oh, and the overuse of hearts makes me want to punch a puppy.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Kristine, have a look at http://www.lamebook.com/. And weep.

    On the bright side, it will make your silliest FB contacts look like decent people.

    You're welcome. :o)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Gotta ask: "POW!" = Step Brothers quote?

    ReplyDelete
  8. I keep my personal facebook stuff pretty basic. I only check it once / week and when I do I put random, nonsense things on there instead of actual status 'updates.'

    An example of a recent facebook status:

    Have you seen that show Who's The Boss? Tony Danza vacuums the curtains... it's CRAZY.

    That being said, I do take my Simple Dude facebook a little more seriously, checking it more often as it brings people to my blog. However I still leave stupid status updates.

    SD
    www.TheSimpleDude.com

    ReplyDelete
  9. I never thought it would come to this, but I think I am ready to start weening off of facebook. This shiznit is really starting to get to me. On one side there is a part of me that really likes it. It keeps me in touch with friends while we are living over in Germany. And the other half of me wishes that instead of a 'poke' button, there was one that read "Go F*uck Yourself".

    And, of course I have to share my all time favorite fb post. It belongs in the "Hard-to-Believe-You-Graduated-from-the-Same-School People". She had been talking about taking a trip to Miami on fb for sometime. And as soon as she arrived in Miami, her facebook status read "Welcome to Miami, Beinvenidos ami ami" I wished her sterile at that moment, hopefully saving any future dumbasses out there.

    http://texagermanadian.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  10. The "I'm totally mad at you, but will use my FB status to tell you" losers...
    e.g. "PEOPLE shouldn't talk behind other PEOPLE's backs. Word gets around. Who needs friends like that? Not me."

    Um, clearly you do. Because you have no social skills. Or friends.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I have completely pissed off almost every member of my extended family when I started editing their statuses on Facebook.

    Is it my fault I don't want people to think I come from a line of idiots?

    But my biggest pet peeve about Facebook status updates? My little sister (and by little I mean she's 22, recently married & living on base with her Army husband) updates almost every five hours with something along the lines of:

    "so board! wtf am i gana do? lol play more [insert name of video game here, spelled incorrectly]."

    AAARRRRGGG!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. This is a current status of someone on my Facebook...

    "Fell asleep with Sam at 9.30, slept until almost 4, got up & chatted with one of the Golden Girls since she was up with Pixie, folded 4 hampers of clothes, 1 of socks & underwear, 1 of towels, put another load of towels in the washer then dryer, emptied the dishwasher & repacked it while Dale had breakfast so I could visit with him before he left for work. Dishwasher is running so I can't shower yet. Now what?"

    Makes me want to put a bullet in my head.

    ReplyDelete
  13. the ones that post the same stupid damn thing 12 times a day for a week!!

    MONDAY
    "I can't believe it's almost bubba's birthday!"
    "Bubba's getting so big!"
    "It's Bubba's third birthday tomorrow!"
    "I can't believe Bubba's almost 3!"
    "Happy early birthday to my big boy!"
    "Only four more hours until Bubba turns 3!!"
    "Staying up late to start off Bubba's big day in style!"

    TUESDAY
    "Oh my goodness, it's Bubba's 3rd birthday today!!!!!"
    "Happy birthday Bubba, we love you!"
    "My baby boy is getting so big!"
    "I can't believe he's already 3, where did the time go!"
    "Almost time for Bubba's birthday cake!"
    "Bubba loves his 3rd birthday chocolate dinosaur cake!"
    "3 years old, such a big boy!"
    "Bubba's first bedtime as a 3 year old!"
    "I can't believe my baby is getting so big!"

    WEDNESDAY
    "Bubba's birthday was great yesterday!"
    "I can't believe he already turned 3!"
    "Bubba's getting to be such a big boy!"
    "My little baby is growing up so fast!"
    "Yum yum left over birthday cake for breakfast!"


    And it keeps going and going and going. But I just might need to go kill myself if I try to write any more of that horrible shit. I'm sure you're getting the idea. Or perhaps I should post it on facebook another 17 times just to make sure there's no possible doubt....

    ReplyDelete
  14. i'm totes all over facebook. i have found friends i never thought i'd see again and have rekindled those friendships. seriously, i know it sounds stupid, but it's true. it's also neat for me to be able to keep in touch with friends and family across the country since my stupid ass moved to florida while everyone else lives in new york.

    BUT i hate people who share too much on their status updates. i had one 'friend' who was posting like every day about her upcoming wedding and her fiance would comment stupid baby cutesy lame barfy shit about how much he loves her. and the she posted an update like a month before the wedding about how happy she was that her finace's divorce finally went through.

    yeah. all class, all the time.

    ReplyDelete
  15. The worst of it, to me, is the post that gushes over something highly personal like religion. Like she owes everything wonderful (including her horrible disease) to God, and then urges you to repost her announcement if you know you're going to be saved.

    WTF? If you don't repost, you're a bloodless, amoral heathen. I have accepted my "fate" in this regard, so whatever.

    Yeah, if you don't go to church, no problem! Get a sermon on FB!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I refuse to join Facebook on principle. Mainly because I keep getting "invites" from people I either have no clue who they are or do know, and if I wanted to talk to you, would I not have already?

    I also have to agree, the same smarmy religious posts (on any networking site, Blogger is bad for this, too) turns my stomach.

    aye,
    Scratch

    ReplyDelete
  17. This status update made me roll my eyes/gag/tell-two-people-who-dont-even-know-him.

    "I am having a hard time trying to figure out who to ask to be my date for my buddy's wedding...I just know too many beautiful women ;) "

    its set up as a compliment to his female friends but its really in the "walking pity party" category(my guess is he went stag)

    http://blogyoureabouttoread.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm totally with you. Sometimes it's really difficult for me to hold in the rage. Or not wipe out my account totally. I've had to limit whose status updates I see, otherwise I want to hang myself (like your illustration). The worst, in my opinion, are the updates that seem calculated to create envy...like the snowboarding images, the "I attend wicked awesome shows and you don't" updates, and the I-have-the-perfect-domestic-life updates. Or, it could be that I'm just an ass.

    Another thing that bugs the hell out of me are people you don't know commenting on a comment you left on a friends' status. I recently gave my spouse crap about a comment he left on his cousin's status about doing a Saw marathon (wtf?). I joked that if he watched Saw he'd be sleeping on the couch and that this cousin is supposed to be a GOOD influence (huge joke, I don't care if husband tries to scare himself crapless with crap horror movies). So then some other a-hole who neither of us knows called my spouse pwhipped. I fumed. Hate that word. Hate that man, whoever he is. I almost ALMOST responded with a really bad, offensive insult in response*.

    Instead I deleted the comment on that cousin's status and will never ever again comment on his statuses.

    *Originally I included the insult, thought better of it and deleted that comment, and here's the clean version...

    ReplyDelete
  20. I got some real winners on my friends list...here are some examples:

    -There's a brother/sister combo (with separate profiles) who constantly post about concerts for their band and song lyrics.

    -"so tired of these moron politicians, on both sides of the aisle, that keep repeating the lie that goes a little something like this "any time you have a tax cut, it has to be paid for" - which plays to the greater lie that any time the government "allows" you to keep what you earn, it's "spending" on the part of the government..." (every other day is a post like this.)

    -"kinda want to stay in my jammies all day tomorrow... But that would mean it needs to keep snowing like the dickens... hmmm" (it's short, stupid updates like this ALL day. AND she's one of those that go on and on about her AMAZING little girl: "I have the smartest, cutest, most adorable little girl ever...I am so lucky and blessed." *gag* This is the best, though: she took pictures of her daughter's entire Summer 2011 wardrobe. I hope she blows up like a blimp and can't wear any of it.)

    -There's one woman who alternates between posts about Glee, how she and her son are sick AGAIN, and links to her shitty blog where she just posts links to other sites. Plus, she's super nebby and always asks "what's wrong" for every little status message.

    If it wasn't a total time-killer for me, I would so get rid of it.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh, I also forgot to mention that Mrs. Super-mom with the amazing daughter has a friend with a ridiculous event page...check it out: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=191986700814983

    *WARNING* Please make sure there are no sharp objects around you when you look at that page.

    ReplyDelete
  22. This post is awesome to the max.

    "Marrinating stake for diner and makin biscuts to!"...

    Made me laugh so hard that I shot milk out of my nose. And I wasn't drinking any milk.

    "And don’t be that guy or gal who wastes a bunch of time online socializing, but then talks about how much of a waste of time it is, like that makes them somehow better than the rest, like they’re not hopelessly addicted to it anyways, like the rest. That’s like a smoker who always talks about how bad smoking is for his health."

    Taken from:
    http://highway10revisited.blogspot.com/2010/02/facial-recognition.html

    ReplyDelete
  23. I deleted my FB page months ago and could not be happier. (Though I am still wondering why it takes 2 goddamn weeks on the fb end for it to actually be gone...) I started blogging instead. And I'm really liking it. I mean really, who gives a shit about "Making chicken for dinner. mmmmm!"

    ReplyDelete
  24. I have a former neighbor/classmate who is always posting this uplifting yet depressing stuff:

    "When the world says, "Give up,"
    Hope whispers, "Try it one more time.""

    "We're proof that sometimes all it takes is a few years & another chance to get things right!"

    "Sometimes we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone... and every once in a while we are lucky enough to get a second chance to show it."

    Once every few weeks is one thing but several times a day?!? And she never explains why she posts these things. Never follows with "And I got the job!" or "My XH and I are getting back together again!" Just endless somewhat positive reinforcement with no resolution. I get so depressed for her reading her stream.

    ReplyDelete
  25. The one that makes me want to murder someone is the "oh how amazing my baby is... such a joy... the sunshine of my life..." claptrap. This person is a 20 year old, out of work, single mother destined to be a drain on society for the rest of her life. My tax dollars are paying for your child care! Get off your ass and get a job you lead-paint-chip-eating twit!

    Wow... that was building for quite some time. Thanks for the vent space. :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Okay, I owe each of you a reply, but right now I just want to say that you are cracking my ass up. These are hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Please tell me you're aware of http://stfuparents.tumblr.com/

    Also, I sort of always thought of you as a wang elitist.

    ReplyDelete
  28. The ones that get to me are the Super Moms who feel the need to passively aggressively impress us all with their utopian parenting lifestyles:

    "Library, art museum, and fresh fruit smoothies with Trixie. Hmmm....where to next?"

    "Had a great afternoon with Trixie making cupcakes from scratch!"

    "So fun to watch Trixie getting interested in art! Can't believe she's already 16 months old!"

    "Finished sewing 10 dresses for the rag doll I made Trixie last week. Phew! What was I thinking?!"

    Just, Barf.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I have a friend that updates her status almost every single night at the same time that she has just poured herself her Captn and coke... every night... we get it, you have a drink every night- we are onto the pattern!!

    then I have the friend that posts a link to every photo, video, song and picture she finds on the internet.

    ReplyDelete
  30. This is a cut and paste directly from my feed. It's been running around from different peoples' pages for a couple of weeks.

    "A boy writes a letter to God. "Dear God, why do you let bad things happen in our schools?" God replied, "Dear Son, I'm not allowed in your schools,"
    I challenge you to repost this."

    My hand falters as it reaches for the UNFRIEND tab...... Must... not.... press.... delete....

    For the record, feel free to believe what you like. But keep it to your own damned selves.

    ReplyDelete
  31. So, I liked this post so much that I ..... posted it on my Facebook. I love irony.

    Having said that, I also hide the feeds of many of my "friends." Especially the under-20 crowd. Just too much ick-factor.

    ReplyDelete
  32. The ones I find most annoying are the people who need to post "going to work" and then an hour later "sitting at work" and then "on my way home from work." Everything is mundane on these things, but those take the cake! At least pretend to be clever!

    ReplyDelete
  33. You WOULD post this right after you and I have friended up on Facebook.

    Now I'm feeling to pressured to make sure my status KICKS ASS. That's it -- maybe I'll just write that as my status: "Busy kicking asses. Back soon."

    ReplyDelete
  34. Status Updates I Hate: Dear Lord please stop telling me the temperature/relative humidity/precipitation tally in Shitlick, USA. Thanks Al Roker, I get the Weather Channel, too.

    ReplyDelete
  35. And, I love this post.

    And, more hate I just remembered (this is sooooo cleansing):

    "I think some people are just so damn rude. Keep your opinions to yourself!"

    "That big thing I've never mentioned and certainly don't plan to elaborate on here is happening soon. Wish me luck!"

    "I'm very sad."

    Fuck you all, you deserve to be shot in the rectum with tasers. Don't be cryptic or coy or vague on a social networking site. It's for information sharing, fucktwats. Not for pretending your mysterious illness and unspeakable malaise is worth wasting my screen space. Shitbirds.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Some of the recent ones that get me are:

    1)The overly-religious religious person:

    "Got up at 4 AM. I usually would never get up so early, but God wanted me up, so I have to listen to Him!"

    "God is telling me to sew a new dress for Kenadie. Who am I to argue with His will??"

    2) The recently divorced:

    "How is it that a man can change your whole mood in the blink of an eye? I just went from happy to pissed off in a matter of seconds!"

    "Any man can make promises. Only a REAL man keeps them."

    3) The people who vent their relationship drama:

    "OMG, Adam is being SUCH an ass!!!! Why doe she think he can call other girls and keep it a secret from me???? He is SOOO banned from going to the bar alone if he keeps getting girls' numbers while he's there!!!!"

    Blech!

    ReplyDelete
  37. It's always classy when grown professional adults get into fights on Facebook too, using their status updates to say shit about each other. Actual status update in my feed:
    "That bitch roomie of mine finally moved out. Ding dong the witch is dead!" Except we all work with the witch and the roomie of the witch. Fun!

    You can also be sure to let everyone know who you're hanging out with (and who you're not). Actual status update in my feed: "Had a great time with all my girls at our girl's night! Can't wait to do it again!" Oh, you weren't invited? Guess you're not one of the girls! Awkward.

    So Facebook is like high school, only magnified all over the web. Now, if you please, vote for me for homecoming queen!

    ReplyDelete
  38. holy hell! these comments are each worthy of pulitzer prizes, if for length alone.

    that being said? i toooooooooooooootally getcha. the facebook = hate.

    ReplyDelete
  39. I actually like Facebook, but I suspect that's because I have few of these problems. However, there is one person who makes me crazy. She's a SAHM (fine) whose children are in school (fine) and who posts endlessly, all day, about watching movies, going to Starbucks, and avoiding housework. So...what does she do all day exactly? Glad you ask. She spends all her time complaining about her husband for not appreciating her. Uh, maybe he doesn't appreciate you because you don't do anything appreciatable? Maybe? Possibly?

    ReplyDelete
  40. I just found your blog and I'm so glad I did!

    I love FB, but it's because I get to stalk people and it seems allowed and not creepy. (Although, when I say it, it does seem creepy.) I have had to hide a few "friends" from my feed though. I can't stand the people who need to declare their love in their status update: "Back from an amazing weekend with the most amazing woman. I love you, sexy baby and miss you like crazy!" Worse: "My amazing, sexy husband brought me breakfast in bed this morning. Can't wait to repay the favor later tonight." BLECH!

    ReplyDelete
  41. After reading Kristine's post and most of the comments, I get the distinct feeling that "I hate Facebook" really means "I love Facebook because it makes me feel superior to people I am connected to on my Facebook account."

    Why do so many people say they cannot stand something, then they go right ahead and keep on standing it?

    Someone else put it more succinctly:
    http://runt-of-the-web.com/post/2472562549/why-i-need-quit-facebook

    ReplyDelete
  42. "Sally loves Jesus and The Pittsburgh Steelers"...
    followed by a FarmVille donation. I posted a photo of a tee-shirt I designed for FB with the quote: "My imaginary bank just foreclosed on my FarmVille".
    It pissed off dozens of otherwise rational people.
    I divorced FB a year ago after attracting the unwanted attention of every right wingnutter troll on the network due to my habit of pointing out BS in their political posts.
    Then I was told "you can't have a successful blog without Facebook!", and not wanting to invite failure, I signed back up last week. Already I've been invited to join clubs, have received unicorns, puppy pictures, hearts, and (you guessed it) fucking FarmVille requests. I'm supposed to care that you've washed your hair or took your cat to the vet?
    Who ARE these people, and how did they once upon a time fit into my universe without anyone noticing they were actually pod people?
    Narcissists Unite!

    And you're right about Tori's fans. I counted myself among them when her first two CDs were released (remember when there were melodies, harmonies, and lyrics?) but I'm afraid she's not singing for me any more. What happened to cuts like "Winter" and "Cornflake Girl"?

    Gotta go, someone I couldn't stand thirty years ago wants to be my "friend"... why isn't there a button for "I would accept your friend request, but at the last moment thought of a good excuse."???
    (heavy sigh...)

    ReplyDelete
  43. I have to agree with some of the other commenters on the "chain status updates" being some of the worst. I posted this the other day and ticked off a lot of my couch potato philanthropists:

    TIME TO SHOW THE WORLD YOU ARE MARGINALLY SUPPORTIVE OF A CAUSE!! IF YOU THINK GIVING MONEY & TIME TO A CAUSE IS TOO MUCH EFFORT, POST THIS TO YOUR STATUS!! IT WON'T BE AS EFFECTIVE AS DOING SOMETHING FOR THEM; BUT IF YOU DON'T POST, ITS LIKE YOU JUST PUNCHED A POOR KID IN THE FACE & GAVE DISEASES TO MILITARY PERSONNEL WHILE STEALING FROM BATTERED WOMEN. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED TO BE IN THE 97% WHO WON'T SHARE THIS!!

    ReplyDelete
  44. I don't have a Facebook... what is it, an account? Page? Identity? Presence? Whatever. I don't do Facebook. I've been told it would be good for me and my blog and my business if I did. Now, whenever the temptation, slight as it is, strikes, I'll just look over here again. Kinda like that friend I had (in the real world) who, whenever he saw me looking at a cute baby, would lean over and say in my ear, "Remember, they grow into teenagers", and my biological clock would suddenly stop ticking?

    I guess what I'm saying is I don't know any of you, but I love you guys. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I got in shit for making a grammar lesson my fb status update once. The lesson was about apostrophes. It was important.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I don't have a Facebook... what is it, an account? Page? Identity? Presence? Whatever. I don't do Facebook. I've been told it would be good for me and my blog and my business if I did. Now, whenever the temptation, slight as it is, strikes, I'll just look over here again. Kinda like that friend I had (in the real world) who, whenever he saw me looking at a cute baby, would lean over and say in my ear, "Remember, they grow into teenagers", and my biological clock would suddenly stop ticking?

    I guess what I'm saying is I don't know any of you, but I love you guys. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  47. I have a former neighbor/classmate who is always posting this uplifting yet depressing stuff:

    "When the world says, "Give up,"
    Hope whispers, "Try it one more time.""

    "We're proof that sometimes all it takes is a few years & another chance to get things right!"

    "Sometimes we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone... and every once in a while we are lucky enough to get a second chance to show it."

    Once every few weeks is one thing but several times a day?!? And she never explains why she posts these things. Never follows with "And I got the job!" or "My XH and I are getting back together again!" Just endless somewhat positive reinforcement with no resolution. I get so depressed for her reading her stream.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I just found your blog and I'm so glad I did!

    I love FB, but it's because I get to stalk people and it seems allowed and not creepy. (Although, when I say it, it does seem creepy.) I have had to hide a few "friends" from my feed though. I can't stand the people who need to declare their love in their status update: "Back from an amazing weekend with the most amazing woman. I love you, sexy baby and miss you like crazy!" Worse: "My amazing, sexy husband brought me breakfast in bed this morning. Can't wait to repay the favor later tonight." BLECH!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Some of the recent ones that get me are:

    1)The overly-religious religious person:

    "Got up at 4 AM. I usually would never get up so early, but God wanted me up, so I have to listen to Him!"

    "God is telling me to sew a new dress for Kenadie. Who am I to argue with His will??"

    2) The recently divorced:

    "How is it that a man can change your whole mood in the blink of an eye? I just went from happy to pissed off in a matter of seconds!"

    "Any man can make promises. Only a REAL man keeps them."

    3) The people who vent their relationship drama:

    "OMG, Adam is being SUCH an ass!!!! Why doe she think he can call other girls and keep it a secret from me???? He is SOOO banned from going to the bar alone if he keeps getting girls' numbers while he's there!!!!"

    Blech!

    ReplyDelete
  50. Please tell me you're aware of http://stfuparents.tumblr.com/

    Also, I sort of always thought of you as a wang elitist.

    ReplyDelete