I cannot STAND the Facebook. Can. Not. Stand.
And sure, this might be because I am aging myself right out of the cool-and-relevant club, but for the most part Facebook simply reminds me that many of my acquaintances and family members are whiny, self-absorbed, and unable to spell or punctuate properly.
In fact, while I do have an account to keep in touch with a small circle of people, most of my "friends" are hidden from my news feed because I am unable to detach myself enough from their self-pity so as not to erupt in a disproportionate amount of rage.
(My therapist and I are working on it.)
So, in an attempt to rationalize my strong emotional response--er, you know, curb it--I've more or less come up with categories for these Facebook, um, TYPES. (Categories clean up the chaos! Especially if the category list is a factor of twelve! ... Shut up.)
Category One: The Walking Pity Party
Thanks to my neighbor for shoveling my driveway for me! Thank God for nice people! Though, I did still have to go out and finish things up. There was a lot of ice left behind that I had to chip away. It was exhausting. I probably shouldn't have exerted myself so hard...I think my little baby [Editor's note: she's pregnant] is mad at me!
Sooo, you're saying thank you? Or are you telling the neighbor he did a shit job and potentially killed your unborn child? Hard to read here.
Here's another example:
Monday: I am so dang tired, I can't stop yaaaaawning!
Tuesday: Blah. I have so much to do today. I need a nanny! How am I supposed to chase two kids around?! [Editor's note: one is not even crawling]
Wednesday: Ow, my belly hurts and the kids are not happy with any movie I put on. When does Mommy get to relax? UUUGGGGHHH!
Thursday: I am really getting sick of my iPhone and missing my Droid.
Friday: I am so hungry but nothing in my house sounds good! BOOOOOOOO :(((((
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
Category Two: Hard-to-Believe-You-Graduated-from-the-Same-School People
Marrinating stake for diner and makin biscuts to!Does making fun of this make me an elitist wang? *shudder* Her steady HELP WITH MY BARNRAISING! and serious contemplation about the honesty and legitimacy of Bachelor contestants does not help any, you see.
Category Two: OKAY. WE GET IT. YOU LISTEN TO MUSIC.
met him in a Hotel, beneath ground. Tell that he's missing; tell me this one for Lollipop Gestapo? ... I guess that I'm seeking isn't here... met him in a Hotel met him in a Guess World where I guessed anyone but youAnyone quoting Tori Amos will pick the most obscure, fucked-up lyrics to prove that his love for her is truer and better than any other single person that might also be inclined to post her lyrics. In fact, these two gay friends I have seem to be passive-aggressively battling out this WHO IS THE BIGGER FAN feud.
Pleased to meet you! Hope you guess my name, but what's puzzling you is the nature of my game.Oooh! The Stones! How cryptic! Or, not really. Song is totally stuck in my head now, though, ass.
Category Three: I Hope No One Figures Out We're Related
"The only time you wait a month for sex is when the girl is 17 years and eleven months old." --Barney from HIMYM. Sooo true and hystericalllllll!!!!!!!!No, he's not incarcerated. But I can see how you might think that.
Category Four: Show-Offs
1/11/11 is the best Phish show I've ever seen. And I've seen like a hundred.
See, this isn't much of a brag in my book, but her intentions were there. A for effort!
Sunday: Football and Snowboarding! Life is grand!
Tuesday: [Uploads hundreds of pictures of snowy sporting adventures]
Thursday: Heading back to the mountain! POW!
(Okay, so this one may or may not be my husband.)
(Alright, ALRIGHT, I'll STOP. It's a wonder anyone befriends me on Facebook. Think I should start one for the blog?! OH WAIT! I DID! HAHAHAHA! BE SURE TO LIKE WAIT IN THE VAN ON FACEBOOK! No, really. Look over there ---> Or maybe you're just supposed to friend me? I don't know what I'm doing. Clearly I fall into the Facebook category of TOTAL OLD FART DUMBASS.)
ALSO, I know I'm not the only one who sees this kind of think in the ol' Facebook stream. It's your turn to entertain me. What are some updates you've seen that bring the rage? Or, you know, eye roll if you're more mentally stable? Use the comment section to share the LULZ.
(PPS: A few people have emailed me that they're going to participate in Product of Silence tomorrow! Thanks, dudes. There's still time to add your name to that list if you'd like to join in on the fun! Again, the prompt is a letter you never intend to send. For more information, see the Product of Silence tab at the top of the page.)
But seriously, dish on your Facebook pals! Do it! We're all (mostly) friends here!