Monday, December 13, 2010

Wait, No, I Definitely Hear a Mouse

So much for no creatures stirring, kids. I discovered a mouse living in our wall the other day. Or maybe it's the ceiling. It's hard to tell since he never signed a lease. It happened while I was working in the front sitting room one evening. Now, we have some cats and a tree, so when I first heard the scratching noises over the hum of the house fan, I started cursing at the cat, naturally. Something to the effect of, PINK YOU ASSHOLE, STOP PUKING UP BALSAM FIR, DICK! (Don't worry! The kids were sleeping!)

But then I looked up and realized Pink was actually sitting next to me on the couch. Hmm. That's odd. So, my next assumption was that there was a branch and/or serial killer scratching on my front window, right beyond the tree. Initially terrified and then annoyed (because, HI KILLER, I'm trying to WORK), I realized that neither was the culprit as there are no trees within scratching distance of my window and my husband has assured me that IT'S NOT A SERIAL KILLER, WIFE.

Then the noise registered. I set the computer down slowly and turned off the fan to get a better listen. I only got about half-way to the tree because for a moment I considered the possibility of a squirrel jumping out at me from behind the twinkle lights with rabid fury.

But since that only happens in movies and my waking dreams, I concluded that it was, in fact, a mouse. Definitely a fucking mouse. I texted a friend to lament my position of having to sit in close proximity to a mouse while trying to focus on work and she was all IT MIGHT BE A RAT.

She's not my friend anymore.

It's not that I'm afraid of mice, per say, as much as my wussy disposition might suggest. It's that the very thought of a mouse in my house brings back anxious memories of Dr. Seuss, of course, but also having to deal with mice in previous homes and apartments.

The first incident was in college when I was student teaching in Saranac Lake. I was staying in this old converted cottage and the mice simply came and went during the winter. Being the slovenly college kid that I was, the cookies on my dresser weren't helping. When I heard a mousetrap go off one evening (that the landlord had set), I wasn't prepared for THE BLOOD OHMYGOD THE BLOOD nor the fact that the thing might still be ALIVE. Shit, guys, it was horrifying to see the thing squirm, and I was certain it all meant I was hellbound. God might overlook the partying and drugs (and foul language), but THIS? THIS IS A MOTHERFUCKING CRIME SCENE! But what do I do? Let it die a slow, painful, noisy, awkward death? OF COURSE NOT!

So, I took the critically injured mouse and drowned it. Which, I realize makes ME sound like the serial killer, but at 2:00 am, I couldn't think of a more humane way to deal with the situation.

I'm sure you can see how this was a scarring event. I mean, all I knew of mice 'til then was freakin' Fievel, and NOW I'VE MURDERED HIM.

The next incident came about ten years later. I have a newborn in a small home I'm renting with Husband in a rural location of the Hudson Valley. Husband is away for work and I realize that the cats have taken to staring furiously at the stove every evening. It freaks me out, sure, but I'm not about to pull the stove out. There might be a SERIAL KILLER in there for chrissakes. Avoidance will get you everywhere, I say.

Well, one morning, the little mouse got ballsy enough to emerge. I woke to an insane scurrying, items falling off of tables, and some *twitch* squeaking. I suppressed the flashbacks and resolved to handle the situation before the baby woke. Because the idea of a germy mouse mixed in with my baby was seriously triggering some major anxiety. After about twenty minutes, I managed to corner the thing in the bathroom. But before I could do much else, I heard the baby stirring in his bedroom. So, again, I handled the situation in the most ridiculous way possible, and began flooding the bathroom.

KIDDING!

No, I took Pink, the cat, and threw him in there with the mouse. Cats are better equipped to deal with these creatures than I AM, right?!

Yeah, NO. After about five minutes of some commotion, the room fell silent. Assuming he ate the thing, I decided I'd deal with the mess during nap time in a few hours. Which is when I opened the door to find my asshole cat sleeping on a pile of towels while the mouse sniffed around the radiator.

In the end, I had to pick the thing up by the tail and toss it outside. Then I peeled off all my skin and burned it in a pyre to get rid of the cooties.

And this event REPEATED ITSELF about a week later when his fatter, darker brother paid a visit. I'm glad skin rejuvenates.

So, back to our current infestation. The guy makes an appearance regularly while I work and sometimes during the day. And for now, I think we'll be cool as long as he doesn't emerge from the ceiling vent or something. I mean, surely the thing won't get inside THIS TIME, RIGHT?! HAHAHA! AHAHAHA. Haha. *sob*

No, but seriously, if it does, I'll have no choice but to burn the house down. Let's just hope it's not the Christmas Mouse.



PS: Didactic Pirate and I totally got all matchy-matchy today which is super embarrassing. Even more so because his post doesn't make his ass look quite as fat. Go read his mouse story here.


27 comments:

  1. I remember late one evening noticing a mouse running around our dinning room, this was when I still lived at home. We ended up with my Mom and sister stood holding a wall of towels to stop them, there turned out to be two, from darting into the lounge. My dad rattled a walking stick under the side board and piano to get them to dart out where I was waiting with one of those large plastic storage boxes trying to throw it on top of them. It must have taken us two hours to get those two bloody mice, although we just released them over a nearby field.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great post, effing brilliant! You made me laugh. I hope your skin is returning to its' former porcelain beauty. Cooties will do that every time. I'm guessing you wouldn't appreciate a ZhuZhu pet for Xmas?

    ReplyDelete
  3. A clear case of feline dereliction of duty. For motivation, threaten to cut their rations. A hungry cat is better mouser, right? Maybe not.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm aghast at our absolute cosmic synchronicity. We both RISKED OUR LIVES in rodent-related incidents. It's only fair that we now pimp out each other's posts.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Not too long ago, as I sat typing on my laptop in the kitchen, a mouse scurried across my kitchen floor near the fridge. I immediately screamed which caused it to run around in frantic circles until finally it made its way under the stove (who knew mice are blind??). I instantly called the exterminator and 5 hours and $194 later, the mouse was nowhere to be found... That tiny bastard ninja-ed itself away, but I'm pretty sure that it still watches me in my sleep - laughing the whole time and plotting ways to take years off of my life. P.S. I don't recommend calling the Orkin Man. He laughed at me. Said, "Oh well. Hopefully he'll get trapped in one of the four sticky traps (wow. I hope he didn't kill himself bending over 4 times) I set for the little guy," and left. I could have freaking done that myself and saved about $191.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ahhh yes. Mice. Nature's way of saying, "bubonic plague anyone?" Hahahaha.

    Seriously though, when we were little, our folks were building a house out in da woods in rural Georgia (I think this is where I get my redneck leanin's folks). One morning, mom was woken to the sound of a SNAP! and then a RATTLERATTLERATTLE. She got out of bed. Oh, it was a mouse all right. And in a trap, yes. Caught by the *tail*. It was running around the living room dragging the trap behind it. Go figure.

    We also had mice in the barn, mom took one of our cats and dropped it in the feed barrel, where there was a mouse running round the bottom. The cat jumped right back out. Lazy cat.

    .........Of course it could be worse. I could handle the mice in the ceiling better than I could the snakes that ended up in our bathtub (Fortunately non poisonous ones, but still)

    You know, back when I was married we had a pet rat in a cage. But I guess the pet store rats are a different breed altogether. Her name was Loki, and you couldn't bring in Micky D's without giving her a french fry. We called it the "rat tax". But I digress.

    Have you seen those glue traps? They're like fly paper, but for mice and rats. They're more "humane", you can take the whole thing outside and dissolve the goo to let it go...not that I really want to get that close to the mouse. I'd suggest instead those "inside" traps, where the body of the mouse or rat is inside and you don't see anything, just pick up the whole thing and chuck it.

    Either that, or practice your shootin' skillz. You married military, yes? And you're movin' to texas aren't you? THEN you'd fit right in! Yee haw! (Sorry, I had to go there)

    (bwhahhahahahah!)

    Aye
    Scratch

    ReplyDelete
  7. Haha, we keep 7 rats as pets at our house. Today's post shows one of them on my head (actually, the post is about my bald spot, but there's a rat on there, too...). Funny post though, thanks for making me laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Simon: I wish I could see a clip of that in fast forward. Because that's what I'm seeing in my head and it's hilarious.

    end transmission: Thank you, kindly. Yes, in lieu of a zhuzhu, please come to my house and dispose of the rodent.

    Warren: RIGHT?! I'm about to get A Clockwork Orange on their asses.

    DP: Rodent parallels. It's SO romantic.

    Unemployed Diva: This is why I got cats. They're cheaper than exterminators! Then again, *I* am cheaper as well. That part sucks.

    Scratch: That's kind of what happened to the one from college. Caught by the LEG. It was flipping that trap all over the place. *shudder*

    Lady Fromage: Oh dude...I may or may not be peeling my skin off again.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Don't feel bad about drowning that mouse. At least, in your case, it was a mercy kill. In our first apartment, we just happened to find one trapped in the mop bucket. The solution seemed... obvious.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I don't know what's more terrifying, a serial killer outside your house or a mouse in your wall. Probably the mouse.

    Yep, that's how messed up my mind is. I picked the mouse.

    ReplyDelete
  11. When dealing with mice it's always best to get the lease paperwork in order right up front.

    We had a mouse in our college apartment, thought he was cute and I named him Phil. When we all went home over Christmas break Phil invited his friends over and had keggers in our cabinets. He wasn't a cute after that.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh no way! The hubs totally got attacked by a black squirrel. We were at Mich. Stat. when he opened the lid to the dumpster do dispose of a night's worth of binge drinking (cans, not vomit... don't go there) when a squirrel came flying out. If you can picture the little squirrel on Christmas vacation followed by the scream of the guy on Home Alone when he has the tarantula on his chest, you'll have it. It hit him in the chest while he was dancing for his life and trying to swat it away. I would have helped, but I was rolling on the ground in the parking lot laughing my ass off. A literal ROFLMAO

    ReplyDelete
  13. Did you ever read my posts about the epic battles I've had with Mickey?

    It's a How-To classic really.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I remember once there were baby mice in my mom's house and I was so freaked out by them I trapped them under a huge heavy bowl and stacked books on top of it until my stepdad could get home and handle them. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  15. Vinny C: Yes, exactly. Mercy. I was showing it...mercy.

    Miss Yvonne: Dude, serial killers only exist on TV so I'd pick the mouse, too.

    Chl: Where there's keggers, BABIES are never far behind!

    The Tame One: Dude, I'm laughing my ass off just PICTURING it. If I'd seen it, I'd likely have been committed for an unceasing laughing fit.

    Ed: I'm off to search now. I'll need some tips when this guy emerges.

    Kimber: I have a friend who does that with SPIDERS! No lie.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Did you know that female mice can procreate at four weeks of age. And have up to five litters in a single year. Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Here's a good one...We lived in a rental out in the middle of a field so every winter we had mice. We caught one on a glue trap so it was still alive. As 1 of 3 girls living in the house I had the wonderful idea to throw it in the burn barrel (yes, we were a little redneck and burned our trash). I don't know if burning to death is worse than drowning but it just might be.

    ReplyDelete
  18. SQUIRREL! If you can trick him into the toilet (no small feat) you WILL need a plunger. Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  19. It...could...be...a...rat! Just kidding! You need to get a better cat. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Some family wisdom I'm sure you'll put to good use. "There's no problem too small one can't run away from." Also, "I don't have to know you to hate you." Use them, love them. You're welcome.

    I had a mouse that fell into my umbrella stand (why did I own that?). I could hear the scritchy scratches, but it took 24 hours to figure out where he was trapped. I threw him out the door, too. No pyre though--I wish you'd been there to guide me!

    Also, we had a bat (winged mouse, eh?) in our old Victorian on Halloween, which, was our first night in the house. It tried to mate with my hair. Fucker.

    ReplyDelete
  21. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Yay for censorship. Someone BURNS an animal alive, and I actually speak out against something like that because it is cruel and disgusting... yet the post is deleted? Why? I guess having sympathy for animal suffering and criticising pointless animal cruelty is worse than the act of cruelty itself, hey?

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hi Chuck darling! Yay for anger!

    I emailed you, but if you insist on doing it publicly, I'm OK with that!

    Your post was deleted because it was strewn with attacks against one of my readers. It's kind of like me inviting you to a party and then you show up ticking everyone off with a pellet gun.

    Not fun, Chuck!

    The email WARMLY invited you to re-comment in a civilized manner. I LOVE a good debate, but only amongst people that can string some thoughts together in a coherent manner. I'm guessing you have a lot to say about this, and could do so in a persuasive way, rather than an attacking one.

    Good? Good!

    (PS...censorship? I don't consider myself to be a news outlet, American institution, public servant, or otherwise, so the idea of censorship is kind of silly. I am moderating, here.)

    ReplyDelete
  24. The attack was quite valid.

    If someone burns an animal alive, then it is reasonable to assume that people will get angry about it. I just pointed out that the person doing it is sick in the head. I don't see how it is possible to be 'persuasive' to somebody who burns small mammals alive in a fire. I'll speak my mind and say it as is - why does the person who does such a heinous act deserve courtesy when pointing out such a thing? They don't. Sorry, but I regard people who torture and/or callously kill animals in an EXTREMELY painful manner almost on the level of paedophiles. There is something seriously wrong about burning a small, helpless animal alive while it is still attached on a trap.

    You seem to be complaining about my demeanour, but not on the burning alive comment. One of the two are worse, and it sure as hell ain't mine.

    (PS. You don't have to be any of those things to use censorship - it can be also done on public forums. Now clearly you know this user and don't want anyone attacking them, but based on the action... well...)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Well, I would disagree. And you certainly have the right to speak your mind, but as I said, this is a personal blog. As in , MINE, and if I deem you to be a bully or simply nasty or irrational, I will delete your comments.

    I don't know the woman you were attacking. I just love my readers and they don't come here to be criticized by random, anonymous people that have never commented before. You can call it censorship if that makes you feel like more of a martyr.

    I would say you have a valid viewpoint, but an extreme one that alienates me, at least. This woman, if you noticed, was describing something that she did when she was YOUNGER, not frickin' yesterday, for crying out loud. Are you mistake free, Sir Chuck? Do you think the world to be a perfect place? I would wager that, though she passes along the comment in a jovial tone, she doesn't feel SWELL about the action.

    And yes, I complain about your demeanor because you're coming off as a reactive ass, to be quite frank. I don't get along with reactive assess. If you'd like to discuss this further, please send along your email. I will delete any future comments, as this post is certainly not the best venue for such a conversation.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Here's a good one...We lived in a rental out in the middle of a field so every winter we had mice. We caught one on a glue trap so it was still alive. As 1 of 3 girls living in the house I had the wonderful idea to throw it in the burn barrel (yes, we were a little redneck and burned our trash). I don't know if burning to death is worse than drowning but it just might be.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Ahhh yes. Mice. Nature's way of saying, "bubonic plague anyone?" Hahahaha.

    Seriously though, when we were little, our folks were building a house out in da woods in rural Georgia (I think this is where I get my redneck leanin's folks). One morning, mom was woken to the sound of a SNAP! and then a RATTLERATTLERATTLE. She got out of bed. Oh, it was a mouse all right. And in a trap, yes. Caught by the *tail*. It was running around the living room dragging the trap behind it. Go figure.

    We also had mice in the barn, mom took one of our cats and dropped it in the feed barrel, where there was a mouse running round the bottom. The cat jumped right back out. Lazy cat.

    .........Of course it could be worse. I could handle the mice in the ceiling better than I could the snakes that ended up in our bathtub (Fortunately non poisonous ones, but still)

    You know, back when I was married we had a pet rat in a cage. But I guess the pet store rats are a different breed altogether. Her name was Loki, and you couldn't bring in Micky D's without giving her a french fry. We called it the "rat tax". But I digress.

    Have you seen those glue traps? They're like fly paper, but for mice and rats. They're more "humane", you can take the whole thing outside and dissolve the goo to let it go...not that I really want to get that close to the mouse. I'd suggest instead those "inside" traps, where the body of the mouse or rat is inside and you don't see anything, just pick up the whole thing and chuck it.

    Either that, or practice your shootin' skillz. You married military, yes? And you're movin' to texas aren't you? THEN you'd fit right in! Yee haw! (Sorry, I had to go there)

    (bwhahhahahahah!)

    Aye
    Scratch

    ReplyDelete