Wednesday, December 15, 2010

This is a Post About Poop

And in fact, I'm writing it between trips to the bathroom, if you must know. (Which, you probably didn't. Sorry.) Regardless, I'm feeling that I must admit that, let's face it, Husband has won some sort of contest that neither one of us knew we were having. Because here I am, not only having accepted a challenge to consume something called COLON BLOW (It exists! Beyond that SNL skit! FOR REAL.) but also writing about it on my blog.


I've jumped the shark. Bring on the poop jokes.

It started the other night. My husband has been ordering this stuff more or less since we met, and I'd never really asked any questions. Because c'mon. What's to be said about something called Colon Blow? (It turns out, there's a whole blog post worth!) But when the postman delivered his latest order two nights ago, Husband casually challenged me to participate. You see, I often complain about something I call an Alien Gas Bubble. This is, essentially, a fart that will not come out.

(My god. I really just typed that on the Internet. Wait! Where are you going?!)

Anyway, he was all, "Wife, you kind of smell bad on occasion. Just imagine not having any more Alien Babies ever again. We could do it together."

The romance angle hooked me instantly and I grabbed a glass from the cupboard. Without futher ado, I was now participating in this ridiculous Colon Blow nonsense. Willingly. Because, you can try anything once, right? Plus, "you realize I'll have to put this on the Internet then, right Husband? Here," I said, handing him the camera, "get a picture of me drinking this shit. But make me look hot to make up for the fact that this is going to be a post about poop."


He complied, and then suggested he take a picture of my ass to document the culprit in the situation. I was all, "Dude, there is no way I'm going to put a picture of my ass on the frickin' Inter----"


"Wait, that's an impressive shot of my ass. I hope you're okay with this going on the Internet."

"Well, uh..."

And so it began. Now, what I didn't realize is that this was a 24 hour process and involved drinking what seemed like GALLONS of 20 grain WATER along with popping some pills. OH. AND FASTING. Let me just tell you up front. I did not fast for 24 hours. I would have never survived The Hunger Games, dudes.


That night, I had some broth with onions. *shudder* I went to bed hungry, but I just pretended I was a supermodel and it wasn't so bad. But by the next morning, around 10am, I was so ravenous that my children were beginning to appear as little dancing chickens and the cats were suddenly made of chocolate. Then Husband walked into the room and I darted into the kitchen as if to suggest, NO I WAS NOT GOING TO EAT THE CHILDREN, HOW DARE YOU SIR. I ate half a thing of yogurt, which did nothing, but by the time I went back to finish it off, it'd been eaten by my eldest child. He'll be eaten first during the Apocalypse.

By the end of that day, after I'd finished my last glass of YUCK, I was back to full-blown eating and was feeling underwhelmed about the whole process. My colon? Did not feel blown. And I'd gagged down that liquid burlap for nothing?! Sonofabitch, man. Soon, I recieved a text from my sister-in-law who'd been watching my Twitter stream.

Her: So, how's your colon?
Me: I'm not impressed by this whole procedure.
Her: I looked that stuff up online and it looks terrifying.
Me: Not even mildly.
Her: Did you see the pictures of the poop?
Me: Uhm...no?
Her: YOU MUST SEE THE PICTURES OF THE POOP.

So, I looked up the pictures of the poop. My god. What...have...I...done?! I suddenly wanted to duct tape my ass cheeks together to prevent the coming of...of...whatever that was.

Me: Okay, I saw the poop. I'm not sure I'll ever forgive you.
Her: So that's not what happened to you?
Me: Certainly not. But I'll update you about my excrement in the morning.
Her: Awesome.

This morning? It got serious, guys. I should've gone with the duct tape, I think.

And this? This is where this post must come to an end for everyone's sake. However, before I sign off, I must say that I'm left feeling convinced that this STUFF that you ingest creates something wicked, rather than rids you of it. That's my unsolicited review. And, no, I did not take pictures. That's really all I'm going to say about the matter. That, and the fact that I'm never ever going to do this again.

Unless you Triple Dog Dare me.


40 comments:

  1. Is it weird that I now want to try this stuff because of this post? Yes? I laughed out loud the entire time reading this. Keep it up!

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  2. So if he has been doing this on and off since you met - what benefit does he get from it? Other than the fun of, well, constant pooping.

    I assume there is a health benefit - sort of a cleansing-drano kinda thing?

    I gotta get me some.

    SD
    http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

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  3. Don't MAKE me channel the Bevis and Butthead!!

    (too late.)

    heh heh hehhehheh heh heh... POOOOP!

    (sorry)

    Personally, I think you should stick with the alien gas bubbles. If your hubs think they stink, what do you think the mouse thinks about the whole deal? Problem solved.

    Unless they make gas masks small enough for mice. Hell, they make oxygen masks for firefighters to put on your dog.... Forget I said anything.

    But I ramble. Tell the hubs he better keep you supplied with the TP, or ELSE. :-D

    Good luck with the poo!

    Aye
    Scratch

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  4. omg this has to be the most insane post yet but i can't help but laugh my way through it you are trooper for doing this and posting about it. also great butt shot a definite keeper.

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  5. Just checked out the website....and I was just wondering if your husband ordered enough to get the free colon blow t-shirt (a $15 value, ABSOLUTELY FREE!). ;)

    yhs.

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  6. My coworker does some sort of colon cleanse thing. However, he does it pretty much DAILY.

    His colon is truly blown.

    For you, however - I hope it works out! Poopin' ain't fun.

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  7. I do think you need to update us on how the colon feels a few days later. Do you weigh less? More energy? Hungrier?

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  8. I'm simultaneously horrified and amused.

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  9. As a laxative addict, I am intrigued. Sickly fascinated and intrigued to try this stuff. I just don't know if I can get it down. Thats some sick looking shit. I'm just glad its not a picture of your's.

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  10. I have a friend that does some kind of colon cleanse twice a year who has been trying to convince me to try it by telling me all about what comes out of her ass when she does the cleanse. She's all "And just when you think nothing else could possibly come out of you, all of a sudden this green, greasy looking little nuggets end up in the toilet!".

    Yeah, no thanks.

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  11. Some people pick up a hobby to enjoy as a couple and you've got Colon Blow.You win!

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  12. Teisha: Will it help if I Triple Dog Dare you? Now you HAVE to! (And thank you! You're pretty funny yourself!)

    SD: Yeah, it's one of those unverified by the FDA "supplements" that just cleans you out if you're feeling, um, full of shit?

    Scratch: I *really* hate the alien gas bubbles.

    becca: My ass thanks you!

    YHS: Holy crap (ha)! I'm telling him to next time. I'll do a Colon Blow giveaway contest! One that doesn't involve pictures of your poop, that is.

    Tara: Daily? Dear god. I suppose he uses the work bathroom, too...my condolences.

    xoxoxoxo: I anticipated losing at least 10 pounds. I think I gained 5. But no alien bubbles! Yet...

    amber: That's a perfectly normal response to pretty much anything I do or say.

    Tame One: It actually tastes like Chamomile tea or something. The consistency is just really, really disgusting.

    Miss Yvonne: I was kind of terrified about what my ass might do from the moment I took the first sip.

    Flucky: I know. We're BEYOND romantic.

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  13. I'm doing this with my hubby for New Year's, thank to this riveting tale of, yeah, tail? I'm IN. Or OUT. I guess.

    Do update us about your new supermodel look on life when the cleanse is over. Are you red-carpet ready?

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  14. When am I going to learn not to read your posts when I'm at work? Apparently busting out laughing when you are supposed to be hard at work is frowned upon. But just when I think you can't top yourself.. you go and do an experiment on yourself.

    http://talkativetaurus.blogspot.com/

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  15. How is it that SNL wasn't sued for copyright infringement? Or vice versa I suppose... My husband and I engage in a similar hobby. No colon blow required, we just fart right on each other. :)

    Please update us on your... um... condition as the week wears on.

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  16. You, are a BRAVE soul! There is so much wrong with this post. First of all, husband has been outed, AND thrown under the bus for buying this snake oil remedy. Everyone knows you bought it, fess up. :-P I can hear it now, in the next couple of days, you'll be asking husband, "honey, do these jeans make my poop look big? and greasy?"

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  17. I'm half mortified and half curious beyond belief. I can't imagine why you would do this. Other then good blogging. Colon Blow brings back memories from the movie van wilder ... near the end of the movie. The Scene involved a garbage can and screaming "I'm Bleeding" funniest moment of the movie cause the guy totally deserved it. But to actually do it to yourself. You are braver then I. Good luck... and tell us how the rest of it went... that way I can decide if I'll read it myself.

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  18. My response is threefold:

    1) Who's the classiest? You are!
    2) I'm still curious about why one would take Colon Blow in the first place. I'm thinking only if you're very, very blocked.
    3) I'll pay you a thousand American dollars NOT to post pictures of your colonic blowout. (Unless there's an actual alien in there. Then go for it.)

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  19. Nicole: I'm not yet a size zero. I'm demanding a refund.

    Krissy: Thank you! Surely if you explained that it was a post about shit, they'd understand!

    Chl: Ah, farting. We try to save it for Saturdays when we can get a babysitter. Candlelight. Roses. Prime Rib...it naturally follows, you see.

    end transmission: I may or may not hold stock in the company.

    Not the Hero: As if a DARE is not sufficient reason?!

    DP: Dude, I hate that you're making me clarify this, but Colon Blow is not really a laxative. Or, certainly, not like any I'VE ever known. Also, I'm only classless on the Internet. (Ahem.) If we ever cross paths, and you so much as belch, I will call for my fainting couch and require a hysterectomy, I'm sure.
    (As for the cash, I'd never take advantage of someone around Christmastime. So offer again in a few months.)

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  20. I'm new to your blog. Pretty funny stuff. I wrote about pooping today. I guess it was fate I was drawn to your blog.

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  21. I too am equal parts horrified and thoroughly amused. I also pretty much demand an update after this is over to know if it was worth it. I'm so curious, almost curious enough to try it.

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  22. Why would you want your colon blown?
    I just do not understand.
    Besides, isn't farting the number one rated team sport for married couples?

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  23. But. Should you continue to do the Team Poop, you might consider this:

    http://www.wiserep.com/productDetails.php?id=5769

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  24. I saw your comment on a post on mental poo. I said self, if she can comment this fucking funny she has to have a great blog. I was right. Damn but I am smart. ;)

    ull b bock

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  25. Oh and yeah, juusssst yesterday I posted on how great it is that they are selling shoes that (theoretically) make your butt look good how great it was that they now have tv ads zooming in on womens shapely butts.

    Then what do I find here.... rofl!

    What a great millennium. Thank you, {genuflecting} i'm not worthy!

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  26. Hubs took some good pics. You look Hot!

    That could just be the pre-shit sweats though.

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  27. Who sells this stuff? Tyra Banks?

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  28. Krissy over at Talkative Taurus sent me an email telling me I had to come over and read this post!!! Hilarious! Although a few more poopy details might have sealed the deal for me on the product. I too suffer from this alien fart thingies, so maybe i need colon blowout...

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  29. Thank you for not taking pictures of the poop! LOL

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  30. So it's called Colon Blow, the slogan on the box says "Poopin' is Cool" & they have pictures of the poop? How could you NOT want to take this product?

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  31. So you're saying that it *did* improve the romance?

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  32. There's nothing wrong with poop pictures. My sis-in-law has one of a little number I created on a family trip to Oaxaca. But only because there are partially digested grasshoppers in the poop.

    On the other hand, if you get a reputation for posting poop pics, you might start attracting weirdos to your blog.

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  33. i hope you got your free colonblow t-shirt!

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  34. That is hysterical... I'm new to this blog and I like it.

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  35. Thank you, for a posting about poop! I'll be forwarding this to a few people I know will giggle through the whole thing. :) Also... in your butt photo... I love your belt. Where is it from?

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  36. Now you pretty much know what to expect from when you reach 50, and the doc says it's time for the colonoscopy. Except! There are at least two enemas included in the prep. THAT'S when you are going to want the duct tape, trust me.

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  37. Holy Hell that looks gross!! You are way braver than I am. And I don't do the fasting thing either...when I'm hungry, I'm gonna eat- my supermodel figure will just have to deal with it!!

    Love your blog!!

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  38. Teisha: Will it help if I Triple Dog Dare you? Now you HAVE to! (And thank you! You're pretty funny yourself!)

    SD: Yeah, it's one of those unverified by the FDA "supplements" that just cleans you out if you're feeling, um, full of shit?

    Scratch: I *really* hate the alien gas bubbles.

    becca: My ass thanks you!

    YHS: Holy crap (ha)! I'm telling him to next time. I'll do a Colon Blow giveaway contest! One that doesn't involve pictures of your poop, that is.

    Tara: Daily? Dear god. I suppose he uses the work bathroom, too...my condolences.

    xoxoxoxo: I anticipated losing at least 10 pounds. I think I gained 5. But no alien bubbles! Yet...

    amber: That's a perfectly normal response to pretty much anything I do or say.

    Tame One: It actually tastes like Chamomile tea or something. The consistency is just really, really disgusting.

    Miss Yvonne: I was kind of terrified about what my ass might do from the moment I took the first sip.

    Flucky: I know. We're BEYOND romantic.

    ReplyDelete
  39. My coworker does some sort of colon cleanse thing. However, he does it pretty much DAILY.

    His colon is truly blown.

    For you, however - I hope it works out! Poopin' ain't fun.

    ReplyDelete
  40. When am I going to learn not to read your posts when I'm at work? Apparently busting out laughing when you are supposed to be hard at work is frowned upon. But just when I think you can't top yourself.. you go and do an experiment on yourself.

    http://talkativetaurus.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete