Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Suck It, Young & Perky. Sincerely, Saggy Cougar.

Here's the third installment of The Twelve* Bloggers of Christmas! Today you get Ms. Yvonne of Yo Mama's Blog, another woman I'm convinced you'll leave me for, especially once you see her in this amazing holiday sweater.


So it’s holiday time and my birthday is only a couple weeks away.  Back when my boobs were still perky and I could tie my shoes and breathe at the same time, I loved birthday time.  Presents!  Attention!  Drinking!   I couldn’t wait for my birthday to roll around.  I planned what I wanted to do for weeks ahead of time.
I turned 21 and it was sweet.  I was in college.  I got wasted four nights in a row and don’t remember any of it.  
I turned 25 and it was awesome.  I was single and having a good time.  Everyone wanted to hook me up with their hot friends.
I turned 30 and it was all good.  I was newly married and in a really good place in my life.  30 didn’t bother me.  
I turned 35 and it was a little ugly.  No, I did not want a party thankyouverymuch.  I was now officially in my mid-30’s.  That sucked.
Next month I turn 37 and it’s getting uglier, y’all.   I am fully involved in my late-30’s.  I am ENTRENCHED in them.  I am dug into the bunker, holding off enemy fire with my anti-wrinkle cream and gray-covering hair dye.   It’s getting real up in here.  I have fine lines around my eyes.  FINE LINES.  I’m like a goddamn Oil of Olay commercial. 
And the crazy thing is that I don’t feel all that different than I did at 25.  I know, that is so cliché to say but turns out it is completely true.  My mom told me last year when she turned 70 (gah!) that she’s still young in her mind.  And I totally got it.  I wouldn’t have at 25, but at almost-37 I am so there with her.   It was a shock when I started running and my knees began to hurt so badly.  I kept saying to my husband “My knees have never bothered me before, there must be something wrong” and he was all “Yeah, it’s called you’re-getting-old”.  Hilarious, isn’t he? 
But I’ve decided that next year I’m going to focus less on the negatives of aging and more on the positives.  As my mom likes to say, “Getting older is better than the alternative”.    So here are a few reasons why getting older is awesome:
With Age Comes Wisdom
Like every other person on the planet, I thought I knew everything when I was young.  Now I realize I didn’t know shit.  All I have to do now to appreciate growing older is hang around my 18 year old son and his friends for an hour.  The idiocy and ignorance spewing from their mouths makes me laugh and be glad not to be that young and stupid anymore.   You couldn’t pay me enough to be that age again.   People my parents age probably say the same thing about people my age.
Doors Are Opening For Me Everywhere
Literally.  I’ve found the older I get, the more often men will hold doors open for me.  Especially young, cute men.  I’m walking towards a store and a hot guy barely older than my son opens the door for me and I’m all thinking “Hey, look at that…I’ve still got it!  I am such a cougar!” and he’s probably all thinking “Awww, that fat lady reminds me of my mom.  I think I’ll hold the door for her.”   But whatever.  I’ll take it. 
Gray Haired Men Are Suddenly Becoming More Attractive
I’m pretty sure this is a biological thing.  Like God is getting me ready for menopause maybe?  Because I’ve noticed I’m beginning to prefer men with a little gray in their hair.  A mere five or six years ago that would have done nothing for me.   I find myself staring longer at older men.  Not old old men, you understand.  Just more mature men than I used to be into.  Show me a guy who looks like he’s almost ready to buy a mid-life crisis sports car and has a really nice stock portfolio and I’ll have fantasy material for weeks.   My husband started to gray at the temples a couple years ago and I suddenly found myself stroking the sides of his face lovingly.  Then the gray started to show up in his goatee and my new favorite thing to do in the bedroom was rub my parts on his chin.  Now he’s completely salt and pepper.  And that?  Is totally hot to me.  You know who else is salt and pepper?  George Clooney.   Case dismissed.
 I Know My Way Around A Penis
Not to toot my own horn, but damn I’m good.  This is not something I could truthfully say 10 years ago, although I might have lied and said it anyway.  I’m sorry, ladies in your early 20’s, but you really have no idea what you’re doing.  Unless you are a hooker.  Which I hope you’re not because gross.  This kind of goes along with my first reason up there.  You can learn a lot about wieners as you age if you just pay attention.  I think blow job skill is acquired, not inherent.  Think about it.  Men, no matter what we tell you, we do have a gag reflex and we don’t naturally love the taste of your junk.   It’s a learning process.   My advice to every man in his 20’s?  Date at least one cougar, get her drunk on champagne and prepare to have your member and mind collectively blown.  Call her “ma’am” and she’ll try even harder. 
I Really Don’t Give A Damn Anymore
I’m just not all that concerned about what people think of me these days.  I have always been very sensitive to other people’s feelings and what they thought of me.  I spent a lot of time in the past worrying about why that bitch at work hated me or how I could get my sister to stop being mad at me for whatever I did that wrong that week.  Now?  Fuck that shit.  I’m not wasting my precious time on it.  I have more important things to do.  Like drink.  I could kick my past self for how much time I took away from drinking to worry about what other people thought.   I could have been drunk so much more.  It’s way more fun to get drunk than worry about assholes and their opinions.   Also?  I will totally karaoke on command at this point in my life.  Anywhere.  For reals.  I couldn’t care less about what the strangers around me think.  Dare me and I will totally do it.  Standing in line at the bank?  Done.   Shopping?  Absolutely.  At a funeral?  I think this occasion calls for a little Bee Gee’s to lighten the mood, don’t you? 
So there you go.  Just a few of the many reasons why it’s better to be my age than your age (if you’re younger than me).  If you’re older than me, then I’m sure everything I’ve written is complete trash and I have no idea what I’m talking about.   And to that I say, shut up Grandma.   

Ms. Yvonne runs shop over at Yo Mama's Blog.
She's also on The Twitter: @yomamasblog

Go over there and hold the door for her, you young, punky-ass, little whipper-snapper!

*We're using the number twelve loosely here, ok?


  1. This is hilarious. I turned 37 this April (yeah, I'm in the front car of the age train), and all I can say is amen, sister.

  2. Great birthday post. I'll be 36 this summer. I just spit my coffee as I saw that in writing. Damn the wrinkles. And the first gray hair that exposed itself indecently exactly one week after my 35th birthday. But the rest of it's alright. Author Anne Lamott says something about feeling like she's every age she's ever been, and I get that too. Except for the fact I now spend 20 minutes a day putting all kinds of creams and Retin-A products all over this face . . .

  3. Hi there...idiotic 29-year-old here! Did you really just say this: Then the gray started to show up in his goatee and my new favorite thing to do in the bedroom was rub my parts on his chin. ??? For that reason alone, I just might have to start reading your blog!

  4. I think my Christmas sweater makes me look even more sexy than usual.

  5. Consider me a follower. Even if I am in my late twenties!

  6. The young guys think you're hot...THAT'S why they're holding the doors open. They know that you know your way around a penis. They do...

  7. Ms. Yvonne,

    Is that twitter link right? I can't find you there.

    I need to stalk you... Rrrrow!

  8. Awesome post!

    PS - I turned 29 this year and cried because that means I'm almost 30 and SOB!

  9. OMGosh she is hilarious...seriously, I think I pee-ed a little!!

  10. Well I am 44 and I am getting grey pubes too very worrying and painful to pluck them out!

  11. @Houston - I have no idea why the link isn't working to my twitter. Try this maybe? I don't know, I'm like the Barney Fife of tweeting.!/yomamasblog

  12. I will be 37 this summer and I am looking forward to it. I love this post! I love Yo Mama. Everything she says is so true!

  13. wait till you get to 40. You will be "reborn". It's like turning 25 again~ It's FANTASTIC! and 40 really is the new 30. I've never had so much fun!!

  14. Good to see the wit, wisdom and hilarity of the yo mama reaching new eyeballs!

  15. Like grandpa used to say, everytime he grabbed grandma ass in front of us, "Old mice like cheese too!"

  16. I am a cougar. Send them to me. Totally...

  17. Ha!Wait until you're 41. I am saying "Fuck that shit" every-damn-day. Love it, one of your best posts.

  18. Fantastic! At 34 I'm learning to enjoy the 'cougarish' ways of life...get to pick the best of both worlds I think!

    Following for sure!!

  19. Yay for this! And yay to the karaoke bravery that comes with age. I am never afraid to sing loudly and badly in public.

  20. Hawhawhaw !!! Awesome sweetie. I'm 50 & here ta tell ya that the :Dont give a Damned" attitude & blow jobs just keep improving. I have an unusual palate defect in the back of my mouth that men have always adored however now that Im so old my taste buds & olfactory nerve are next to nil ~junk is no longer and issue.

  21. Oh, you're almost right. We could leave her for you, but we'll take you both.

    She is hilarious.

  22. I will be 37 this summer and I am looking forward to it. I love this post! I love Yo Mama. Everything she says is so true!

  23. Consider me a follower. Even if I am in my late twenties!