Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Oh, Hell. Mom's Crying Again.

In stark contrast to my post the other day, today I'll be commenting on some of the more respectable Christmas songs.  And my utterly ridiculous inability to hear them without sobbing.

Now, I'm one of those gals that resists crying at any cost. One time, I tried to think of something funny so that the tears wouldn't come, and I ended up being that girl, laughing to herself in the corner. At a funeral.

But, I'm telling you, ever since I had KIDS, my anti-tears superpowers have all but disappeared. In fact, mere pregnancy proved to be crippling in this capacity. During my drive to work, about four years ago, I would follow this same stretch of highway every morning. And right before Christmas I'd see the same dead dear carcass staring up at me from the shoulder. And I'll be damned if the 24/7 Christmas station wasn't playing clips of deployed troops sending holiday love back home EVERY TIME I PASSED IT.  Needless to say, I often walked into the classroom with black streaks running down my cheeks. I think the kids thought I was going goth or something. Or, you know, was just a crazy pregnant woman still gasping breaths after her morning grieving ritual for ALL THINGS DEAD AND SAD.

Anyway, cut to present day, and I'm realizing that this is a progressive disease. Now, not only to I cry silently for road kill and CNN headlines, but I also cry during select Christmas songs. As in, full-on tears. As in, I cannot continue singing along lest I teach the children to associate Jesus' birthday with the MOST DEPRESSING THING IN THE WORLD.  Usually I just end up at the wheel, a solitary tear running down my cheek, rolling my eyes with annoyance as I smack it off my face, and mumbling some locker room curses at myself because really, PULL IT TOGETHER WOMAN.

Anyway, here are some of my kryptonite songs at the moment:

Little Drummer Boy, Harry Simeone Chorale


Christmas Canon, by Trans Siberian Orchestra


O Holy Night, Josh Groban


Away in a Manger, St John's College Choir


But, usually, that Christmas Shoes song is never far behind, and I'm able to choke back the tears in exchange for disgust and anger.  How young do you think is too young to introduce the toddlers to Patton Oswalt?


(And really, while we're at it, what's up with the Mommy Kissing Santa Claus ditty? Fucking hell, man.)


35 comments:

  1. Isn't it weird how there is this group of songs that we only hear for roughly 6% of the year and then they are gone again for 11+ months.

    And yet for some unknown reason we still know all the words by heart. It's gotta be some big Corporate America conspiracy.

    SD
    http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

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  2. I cry only at "Grandma got ran over by a reindeer"
    Strangest thing it just started last year whilst I contemplated the words of the song. Now as soon as it comes on I change it and think happy happy happy.
    Glad to know I am not alone

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  3. Can't even tell you how much I dislike the Christmas Shoes song...

    The only song that makes me cry on a regular basis is a Johnny Cash song, something about "she walks these hills in a long black veil..." In fact I think it's called "The Long Black Veil".

    Ack. That one gets me every time.

    Pearl

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  4. Ack, the weepiness of the season! I also BAWL (snot dripping, shuddery sighs) at any kid event, even if it's not one of my kids! UGH! We have two school Christmas concerts, a Cool Cat Award ceremony for my daughter and a band concert all in the next three days. I need to invest in Kleenex...and probably therapy.

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  5. Holla! I'm a tearful ninny at all times these days. Sloppy Christmas feelings make it worse.

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  6. Oh yeah! I love the trans-siberian orchestra. And I always forget about them until Christmas comes around. WOOO!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95ehUqpwrnU&feature=related

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  7. I tear up at the Trans Siberian song, too, a little. More cause it's so PURTY.. lol

    .......Yeah, the Christmas shoe song. That one. Can't stand it, sorry... If you're trying to spread the cheer of the season, the last thing you wanna do is sing carols about dying parents....But that's just me. ;)

    Makin cookies over here...want some?? :-D

    Aye,
    Scratch

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  8. You big wuss. Nut up, would ya? Get control of yourself.

    I'd forgotten how much I love that Patton Oswald clip.. So much that I may have to steal it and post it myself. And give you credit for reminding me about it.

    And just fyi: you're MY favorite mustachioed blogger too.

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  9. some christmas songs are a little sad yes.although the main part of those were not.christmas shoes is though.i always tend to get teary eyed with that one

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  10. aw passing you a box of tissues

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  11. Anything sung by Josh Grobin makes me cry. Seriously dude, could you maybe sing something update and peppy once in awhile?

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  12. Good luck surviving Christmas! Like others have said, that Christmas Shoes song is absolutely terrible. Who's idea WAS that? I mean, 'tis the season...of depression?

    Statistically, yes. It IS winter, after all. And You can't abbreviate Seasonal Affective Disorder without S.A.D.

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  13. Here is a fool-proof way to STOP crying, without laughing. Silently, in your head, not out loud, sing the words to Amazing Grace to the tune of the Gilligan's Island theme song. Aw heck, you may be too young to know the Gilligan's Island song. But it really does work: it takes just enough concentration to completely distract you from dead friends or family.

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  14. Chics are such babies!






    *hides tears*

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  15. I normally cry just after Christmas when I realized how much I spent on the whole deal.

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  16. I just cried in front of my class while watching the Little House on the Prairie Christmas special. And not just bc Laura's teeth were so bad.

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  17. Aw, man. I'm a headline crier, too. Anything to do with children and I'm a fucking mess. Thanks, hormones and motherly instincts.

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  18. I was crying just thinking about crying.

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  19. Yep. I was sobbing over soldiers and those damn Christmas shoes myself yesterday. No wonder everyone gets all depressed at Christmas!!

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  20. I'm not a Josh Groban fan by any stretch but his version of O Holy Night is amazing. Then I hear it and I dislike him even MORE because the asshole had to go and get me all emotional and shit.

    Sadly, that is just one of many things that gets me sobbing hysterically since having kids. (I even found a way to cry during Kick-Ass, which probably shouldn't even be possible.)

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  21. i love operah music.., it can give relaxing mind body and soul.., josh groban voice is so amazing..

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  22. Drummer boy song still does it for me but I'm onto the "Christmas Shoes" conspiracy. You know that guy sat around a table brainstorming with a bunch of suits with a checklist.
    1)Dying shoeless mother
    2)Unselfish Tiny Tim like child who can handle public transportation back and forth the mall.
    3)Innocent bystander changed forever by the selfless Christmas Spirit of boy in rags.
    4)Make sure you mention that she dies at least twice but that she did actually NOT die with bare feet.
    Also, the Peanuts Christmas song rocks.

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  23. I am still trying to put off listening to Christmas songs until next weekend when I will allow christmas to enter my life. Anything more than two weeks before is too long and all the sparkle has gone by the 25th. Anyone who has a tree or other decorations up before December should, in my opinion, be shot.

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  24. I listen to your list of songs while reading other blogs.. but when I came to this last video christmas shoes..and kill me but I never heard about that song...

    and the video was so so so funny...! though I don't like Jesus, or God putting in that way... I feel like I'm sinfully laughing at those patton oswalt joke.. i hate myself... but it's just so funny and the animations... :)

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  25. Huh...and here I thought you were all bad ass... =)

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  26. How have I missed you all this time? Anyone with that much affinity for roadkill is tops in my book:

    "same dead dear carcass staring"

    Strangely, I still choke up on "Do They Know it's Christmastime" every damn time. I think it's good that my favorite holiday CD has very little singing. Vince Guaraldi's Charlie Brown Christmas. Best Christmas music ever.

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  27. That's so funny....I refuse to cry as well and once I became pregnant it was like a "sissy" button had been pushed. Many years later, thankfully I'm back to my emotionally hardened self. It only took like 12 years to go back to normal!
    machelle

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  28. I can cry at commercials. Kids screw up your hormones.

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  29. O Holy Night is my all-time fave, and makes me cry every time. Oddly enough, the upbeat "All I Want For Christmas is You" also makes me cry every time. I know, I need to pull it together as well.

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  30. the Christmas shoes song must be banned. It is heinous and evil on every level. The one that gets me every damn time is the Faith Hill "A baby changes everything" song. Thank you, motherhood for turning me into a puddle of tears every f*ing time I hear it.

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  31. I was going to mock you for multiple reasons, but honestly... I think if I had a "dead dear carcass" staring up at me from the roadside for entire weeks leading up to Christmas, I would probably find that upsetting as well.

    ::pours one out for the dear, who I can only imagine was still sporting a cardigan and a pair of reading glasses::

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  32. I had the same experience the other day with "Do You Hear What I Hear?" And I'm not even religious. It's just an emotional song. Or I need to get a grip.

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  33. O Holy Night is my all-time fave, and makes me cry every time. Oddly enough, the upbeat "All I Want For Christmas is You" also makes me cry every time. I know, I need to pull it together as well.

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  34. Huh...and here I thought you were all bad ass... =)

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  35. i love operah music.., it can give relaxing mind body and soul.., josh groban voice is so amazing..

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